(Closed) I’m heartbroken: my sister refused to be in my wedding.

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2007

Hey Katy,

I am really sorry you are going through this right now. I know how this hurts you and you’ve tried pleading with her. Would she feel more comfortable if she attended as a guest of honor but didn’t have the obligations of a formal bridesmaids. I am still in college myself and it is rather straining. For her at 18, a wedding is probaby so distant in her mind and not meant to be taken as something personal against you. She may just want her distance for now for what is going on with your family. When it comes to family, there is only so much you can do. They do need to meet you half way at some point. If it’s beyond your control, then just let it be. If you force her to be in your wedding, then it just might make things more strained and hurtful towards you each and everytime she doesn’t want to be involved or doesn’t want to participate because now it’s clearly in your face. Maybe she’ll come around. There will be a lot of other people there who love and support you. I am sure she loves you too but just shows it in a different way.

Post # 4
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I think you’ve done all that you can do…just let her know that you’d love for her to be there…whether she’s a guest or a bridesmaid…and that if she feels she can’t be there at all that you’d like to be a part of her life. She’s 18 and has a lot of learning and growing up to do still. She’ll come around in her own time. You won’t be able to force that. Just let it known that you’re open for a relationship whenever she’s ready.

Post # 5
16 posts
  • Wedding: August 2007 - church ceremony and private club reception

That is so hard.  But please take the high road and do not give her an ultimatum.  Being 18 first time away for college is a big step for her.  She may be trying to get her own fresh start in life.  I know family obligations were not my first priority.   I bet you would rather have her at the wedding than not at all.  I agree with snowpea when you were 18 was marriage on your mind?  I am sure she will come around too. 

And if she is having problems with your dad let them stay with her and your dad.  Do not jepardize  you sisterly realtionship because they are not getting along.  Good luck!


Post # 6
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I agree with Weazie.  An 18 year old is an adult in some ways and a teenager in some ways.  She’s still at an age where she’s quite self-absorbed, not necessarily through any fault of her own – it’s just something teenagers go through as part of their growing up process.  She’s thinking only of her own schedule and not of how important your wedding day is so it hasn’t occurred to her how much it would mean to you for her to make the sacrifices necessary to be there for you.  As someone else said, at 18 a wedding to her might seem so distant in her future that she can’t relate.

I’m really sorry that this is happening and that you may have to deal with the absence of someone special to you.  But I hope that you’ll be open to a relationship with your sister if she comes around in the future, even if she’s not there for your big day.

Post # 7
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Hun I’m so sorry. It’s hard when you reach so much form someone and they are always just out of arms reach. I wish I had some magic words to take the hurt away because this wedding planning isn’t supposed to be heartbreaking (not at least until you get the reception bill anyway..hehe)

I think you’ve done what you can, and it’s time to leave the ball in her court and let her make some moves on her own. Maybe, you’re right they won’t be hearfelst or the ones you want but little by little those steps could lead her back into your life ina more personal way if she’s allowed it on her own. SHe may just be wrried about your dad and alwso not the kind of person who is overly emotional and attached to people. 

I just today had to tell my best friend of 14 years to step out of my wedding and it broke my heart. I’m keeping busy, chekcing boards, planning and trying to get past it. I have to think that keeping her in would have been more of a disaster then the time I’m going to spend healing over the loss of her – and maybe with you that could be the same. Having the sister in the wedding may lead to complications and akwardness you don’t want around your day, even if you do want her there….know what I mean?

ANway, again I’m so sorry – I hope you find your way through this, there’s always tomorrow.

Many hugs!


Post # 9
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

So sorry Katy.  Maybe she just needs some space to work things out on her own and hopefully will start reaching out to you on her own sometime in the future.  I think I would also leave the ball in her court at this point and reach out to others who support you to help you through this.  I expect one day she will come to really appreciate the effort you have made to build a strong relationship with her.

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