(Closed) I’m her maid of honor. Am I being selfish or is the bride being selfish?

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1028 posts
Bumble bee

I’m very sorry about your father.


Her wedding is in June?  Don’t make any hasty plans yet.  Maybe I’m reading it in a different tone, but she DID seem concerned about your family.

Post # 4
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021

sorry to hear this!

It sounds like you both are really good friends, and you both need each other a lot!

I would say take a step back and remember you love her! It means a lot to her to have you stand up there, so focus on that!

I hope your dad improves!!!!!!!

Post # 5
131 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think anyone is being more or less selfish.  I think you’ve gone through a very traumatic few days and in your haste to do right by your friend, you’ve hurt her feelings.  I think her reply email was very thoughtful and honest.

I think you need to step back and focus on your family and not worry about a wedding months from now.  Just let it lie.  You’ve flagged this for your friend, so it’s on her radar, but it sounds like she just wants you there with her – and will understand if some of the “MOH duties” aren’t prefect.  She certainly doesn’t sound “bridezilla” to me.

Big hugs to you and your family – I hope everything goes well with your dad.

Post # 6
958 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I feel like this was a miscommunication on both sides.  You need to get off email and talk it out.  She’s being short-sighted, but she’s right that the wedding is far enough away that you are being premature in telling her you may have to pull out.  I think you need to pow wow with her.

Hope your father is doing better.

Post # 7
767 posts
Busy bee

To be truthful, I think your voice message to her was completely weird and legitimately hurt her feelings a little bit.  Now, your father was having a dangerous procedure which means it is completely understandable and forgivable and if she was yelling at you or hating you or behaving in any way badly I’d say she was wrong and should get over it and understand that people dealing with stress and grief can’t be expected to act perfectly rationally.  However, why in the world would you back out of a wedding five months away? 

Even in very hard times (when family members are sick or even you yourself are sick)(and there was no way to predict that hard times were ahead) it’s usually a good idea to take an evening away to maintain an old relationship.  No one stays by someone’s bedside for five months. 

From everything you have said about your friend and everything the friend herself has said she is completely understanding (as any normal person) that an emergency would take you away from her wedding.  She isn’t demanding you put in energy or effort while going through a difficult time.  She’s only wondering why you’re telling her you don’t care to be there for her during an important transitional time in her life for one day five months in advance.  

She and her fiance care about your family and about you, they care enough to want you at their wedding if it is possible for you to be there and to feel hurt that you think an emergency five months in advance would so sap your energy and strenght that you don’t want to be there. 

She isn’t asking you to be thinking of her wedding while you’re at the hospital. I think it’s strange the wedding would even occur to you while you were there (strange things happen though and are natural) and she probably does too.

Post # 8
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

First..sorry about your dad.  I know what you are going through because I had to deal with a similar situation with my grandfather a few years ago.

Second…pick up the phone.  These email conversations-the tones get misconstrude.  It sounds to be that you are both fighting the same side per se. I think she gets what you are trying to say. I think her fiance was just trying to support your friend with the email, I dont think he was trying to guilt you into anything.  I think the both of you should be grown-ups and discuss this either in person or over the phone.

If you still want to be in her wedding and your friend still wants you to be in the wedding make a suggestion on your dress about maybe buying something off the rack at Macy’s, J.Crew or something like that where you dont have to buy so far in advanced and have many alterations.  If this is something that she can accept than I would gracefully bow out and let the aunt be the Maid/Matron of Honor.  There is no sense of 2 people buying a dress if by chance 1 person won’t be able to wear it. That’s just a waste IMO.

You’ve explained that you can not give her 100% attention.  Does she demand it right now? If no, then I don’t see the issue. If she is demanding your attention, again, I would bow out gracefully.  Like you said, you are trying to be pro-active and think of her situation by giving enough notice of your situation.




Post # 9
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Ok I think I read it a different also because I felt like your friend was being kinda selfish she seems more concerned about thinking you are blowing her wedding off. I think clearly you were just turning to your friend for comfort and someone to talk too and she didnt seem to give you any of that. Her Fiance now on the other hand definitely did exactly what a friend should have done offered sympathy and then as you said lets see how everything goes. I think June is right around the corner if you are helping with planning and if you dont have the time or the energy since you were concerned about your father then you did the right thing by letting her know immediately what was going on in her life so that she could find someone else or make a suggestion on what would be better for her if she still wanted you to be in her wedding party.

I also agree give it a couple of cool off days to see if the “bad taste” in your mouth passes and to clear your mind from this stressful time if you still feel the same about your friend and what happened i would have an open conversation about it on the phone to get a feel of the tone because sometimes things sound alot harsher by email or texting.

I hope your father is doing better. I hope it all works out. 🙂

Post # 10
1354 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think neither of you are in the wrong on this one. It sounds as if powerful things, both positive and negative, are happening in your life right now. On her side, powerful things are happening for her too, and your email probably at no fault of your own touched off some feelings of abandonement she has had her whole life.

Chalk it up to strong emotions. We all say things inartfully when a deep part of our being is touched.

Post # 11
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think that it is out of line for your friend and her Fiance to be badgering you right now while your father is sick and you are a emotional wreck. It is very insenstive of them to continue this back and forth correspondence, mainly focused making you feel guilty.

I think that they should have waited some time before they approached you about the wedding and should have just supported you during this tough time you are going through, like a good friend should.



Post # 12
1431 posts
Bumble bee

I am normally very level headed, but her email and her FI’s email were completely out of line IMO.

Your call to her was probably a bit unorthodox and it sounds like it was completely unexpected by her.  But it doesn’t matter, in my book.  When someone’s family member is sick, you are supportive and that’s it.

Basically when someone’s Dad is in the ICU… you keep the focus on them.  That’s like, Rule #1.  After things settle down, THEN you can share how hurt you were and so on.  But you don’t add to someone’s stress when a family member is sick and at the hospital.

I would be the best possible Maid/Matron of Honor for her… and then afterward, I would just let go of the friendship (in my own head – I wouldn’t actually do anything to hurt the friendship).  If she chose to make the effort to be a good friend again, then maybe I’d let her back into my life.  If not, then I would probably let the friendship drift.

But that’s just me!  I prize loyalty over all else (esp. in times of crisis), so I completely understand that your priorities may be very different. 

If you really value the friendship, there’s a ton of great advice above on picking up the phone and talking it out!

Post # 13
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your Father. My Dad has had heart problems in the past & after 5 stints in his heart and a number of surgeries I can relate to your feelings and how terrified you are that you could possibly lose him.

Sounds like you and your friend are truly close. I have 2 best friends who are more like sisters and feel more like siblings than my own brothers do. Sometimes when you’ve known someone for so well, for so long, the line between friend & family gets blurred. She might not view you as a “friend” as much as a sister or close cousin. I agree with the other girls – emails can be read wrong, and you’re robbed of the emotion & sincerity the tone your voice will have. Call your friend. You’ll both feel better about it.

Post # 14
767 posts
Busy bee

Wanted to add that I vote against talking it out on the phone, I think there has been maybe too much talking already (I agree with the others that your friend should not have brought up hurt feelings etc. while your father was sick).  Just let it go and see what happens.

Post # 15
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Millenium Biltmore Hotel

I’m sorry to hear about your Dad. I completely agree with Ms. Duck. The way I read it was that you didn’t tell her you were bailing on her wedding. You simply gave her warning that you might not be available. In a way, it seems like you were reaching out to your good friend for comfort and some peace of mind. Instead, she decided to pressure you about her wedding and make you feel bad. What can I say – some people are just selfish. Your situation hits close to home with me. I sympathize with what you are going through. Hope everything turns out for the best.

Post # 16
3928 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I think you should call her and have her meet you for lunch somewhere. Emails and voicemails don’t always come across the way they were intended. I think you two could work it out better that way.

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