(Closed) I’m her maid of honor. Am I being selfish or is the bride being selfish?

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 78
1799 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010



Sorry, i re-read my post and it seems like it came across as a little harsh. I lost a Bridesmaid or Best Man (who happened to be my sister) bc things escelated way to quickly through email….unfortunalty by the time we did just sit down and chat it was to late.


I really hope you guys can figure things out though! Good luck. Keep us posted ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 79
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@NATO I actually think I can give you a different perspective to think about, mind you I’m NOT saying in anyway that her behavior is acceptable (it’s kind of childish but it seems like things have gotten WAY confusing and email can in fact do that) but based on something you said “Oh, in terms of Jenn stating that I’m unhealthy emblished with my family’s past issues, etc….last year, I talked a lot to Jenn about not having the close friendships/relationship that I wanted with certain familiy members.  I would talk about how I wished my dad wasn’t emotionally distant and how I wanted my brother and I to actually have a friendship and talk once every week or what not.  I think it was wrong for Jenn to throw up my vulunerabilites in my face.” I was actually curious before you explained that part what she meant by that because after all there are two sides to every story. So based on that it makes me wonder if she didn’t see your being with your family as an attempt to strength those issues you were concerned about (instead of the obvious needing to be with your family in crisis) and in doing so her place as your best friend was in jeopardy. Personally I have a strained relationship with my family but not as much with some so in turn my friends are in fact as important as my family. She could have been very threatened by the whole ordeal, again not saying that this behavior is right but if you are in fact all she’s got that has to be a scary thought. That said I think putting myself in both of your shoes I would have handled both sides very differently. I do agree the best thing you’ve done so far is picked up the phone. I would also suggest if she ignores this first phone call to try again then no one can say you didn’t try but I would definitely leave out the bachelorette party, it’s not necessary, you’re calling to repair a friendship not to make party plans, if the friendship is repaired that will become obvious! Good Luck with this and to your Dad’s continued recovery.

Post # 81
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Like you’ve said, I think that you both could have handled things differently.  It just  sounds like a lot of emotions were running high and you both were in stressful situations, albeit in very different ways.  While I don’t necessarily think I would have acted the way your friend did, I also didn’t grow up with the same family that she did (or lack thereof) and personal experiences. 

I think that you’re acting in a very mature manner and you’ve been pvery understanding and accommodating!  And for reaching out to her after all of what she’s done — I don’t think many people can do that.  I would love to have a friend like you, and I think she’s very lucky.  ๐Ÿ™‚  I know that you’re considering ending the friendship after all of this — I think you just need to do what feels right for you, regardless of assigning blame (not that you’re doing that).  11 years of what sounds like a strong friendship is a long time and you never know how you’ll feel about all of this a few months or years later — especially if you two are going to talk about it.  I know it’s pretty inexcusable for your friend to not be more supportive or understanding of your family situation, but again…it’s hard to know exactly where she’s coming from without having lived her life and experiences.  And being a bride can do crazy things to you!!

Either way, good luck with the conversation and I hope that everything works out well.  I’m glad to hear that your dad is doing better too!!

Post # 83
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think at this point it is time to agree to disagree. There should be no more who’s right or wrong. If you want to salvage this friendship you need to move on. You both hurt each others feeling and now its either time to move past the incident and be friends or just let it go.

Try not to continue to let this build inside you. This woman was someone who you were close enough for her to ask you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor. She isn’t a buisness client or a stranger, but someone you loved dearly. Remember those goods things about her and try to reconnect. The past doesn’t have to be hashed out, try to move forward.

Post # 84
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

She seems incredibly selfish to me. Even her initial response to your voicemail seemed insensitive. If I received an emotional voicemail like that from my Maid/Matron of Honor, I admit that I would feel hurt. But, that would quickly pass and my main concern would be YOU. I can’t imagine trying to keep the focus on my wedding when my MOH’s father is in this condition. Whether she is standing next to me in a pretty dress on my big day is not as important.

Post # 85
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I hope your dad is stronger & doing much better now! I’m sorry you were going through such a rough time & getting it from all sides.

When I was reading your post all I could think was “Why aren’t these girls talking on the phone?” Even for 2 minutes! Emails are often misinterpreted & what is meant to be an emotional sentiment can sometimes come across as something mean & spiteful!

I don’t think either of you are being selfish. She should have put her emotions on the back burner while you were in the middle of this ordeal! I also think that you shouldn’t have told her 5 months in advance that you may have to back out… however, I’ve dealt with a loved one in the hospital (stroke) and at that moment you can’t think an hour or two ahead. When someone is in the hospital with a life threatening issue, you live minute by minute.

I think you should call her on the phone & meet up for coffee. You should put this behind the 2 of you. Both of you were highly emotional & there is really NO reason to let this strain or end your friendship! ๐Ÿ™‚ Good luck & best wishes to your father!

Post # 87
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

So glad to hear that you worked things out and got some closure!

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