Post # 1
My fiance and I dated in high school, but we broke up when he graduated (he’s 2 years older than I am, so he was senior when I was a sophomore). We went our separate ways for a while, which included him getting engaged to entirely the wrong girl for him. Luckily, he reaized his mistake before they got married. She was awful to him and he called off the engagement. After the two of them parted ways, we got back together and realized that we had gotten it right in high school all along. 🙂 Here’s the thing…I still can’t help but feel that I’m somehow seen as “less” in his family’s eyes because I’m not the first girl that he was engaged to.
To my fiance’s credit, he is a caring, wonderful man who would do virtually anything for me and I love him with all of my heart. This girl is no longer a part of his life at all. He’s told me time and again that he was pressured into proposing to the other girl, that it never quite felt “right” with her, he felt his life would be over after marrying her and that everything feels completely different this time around. In essence, he’s said that he’s now excited to get married instead of dreading it – obviously a good thing. 🙂 Am I being too sensitive in constantly feeling like I’m being compared to her (at least by his family, if not by him) during the wedding planning process?
Has anyone else here been a second time fiancee even though you’ve only been engaged to one person yourself? I’ve tried to make myself feel better about it by telling myself that I’ll be his only wife, but some days that doesn’t work as well as others. I’d love to hear from other people in similar situations if you’re out there!
Post # 3
My Fiance was married before just out of high school and I was engaged up until a few weeks before I met him so I know where your coming from. My family compares this wedding to the last one I was planning and his family doesn’t say much at all about the wedding… not sure why.
Post # 4
Ignore it. The past is the past for a reason. YOU are his present and his future. Trying to one up her or step in her shoes just takes you away from who you are and why your Fiance loves you.
Post # 6
My SO was engaged before he met me, and I found that difficult to come to terms with. I imagined that our engagement would be less exciting for him because he had done it all before… Then I learned that he never really wanted to propose, he just felt he had to do it to fix their problems, and they never did any wedding planning. He is so happy now that he didn’t marry her, and we are both so excited about planning our future together. His previous engagement is in many ways a blessing for us, because he appreciates what we have so much more.
Think of it this way; you may be the second fiancee, but you will be his first and only wife.
Post # 7
As being in the opposite situation with my now hubby I can tell you that you have nothing to worry about!
I too was dreadding being married to my ex and couldn’t have been happier planning the wedding with my now hubby. I do think Darling Husband had similar feelings as you but I think he also feels a bit proud to have “won” though I keep telling him there was no competition. (The competition is proba a guy thing). So in a way it also fed his ego a bit, maybe you should start looking at it more this way that you are number one instead of second best, which you aren’t.
Post # 8
yeah he has been married before, but ive never felt as if i would need to compare my self to her.. if she was perfect, or their marriage was perfect they would have stayed together.. she wasnt, they wern’nt… they didntt..
maybe ive just got some high self esteem issues.. lol! jokes!
but seriously, you are better! but not because you have to compare yourself to her.. you need to think in terms of having a wedding and it being about what you want to do and what makesyou and your FH happy! thats the only way you will be better than her! (and you will be!) happy planning!
Post # 9
What does his family do that makes you feel this way? Have you told your fiance that you feel this way?
Really, it’s his place to sit down with his family and tell them that his college engagement was a mistake and that you are the woman he wants to marry.
Post # 10
My brother was engaged to a really sweet girl who he dated all through college, we all loved her. Almost out of the blue one day she called off the engagement and disappeared. She claimed her parents were getting a divorce and she was questioning marriage in general.
Fast forward 3 years, my brother met someone else, his current wife, and got engaged/married and pregnant within like a year. It all went very fast and poor thing knew she had big shoes to fill since we really liked his first Fiance sooo much. But honestly all we cared about was my brothers happiness – and he was happy! So even though if I’m petty I can think of some things I like better about his first Fiance, it’s just totally irrelevant – I 100% accept his wife and know it’s unfair to compare.
Post # 11
I don’t think you should compare yourself to her…you’re clearly in a totally different class! It didn’t work out between the two of them for a reason. My Fiance was married before, and I don’t know very much about his ex-wife. At first it bothered me a lot. I was curious–was I smarter than her? was I prettier than her? nicer than her? etc. etc. But then I just came to realize that I must be all of the above, otherwise he wouldn’t be with me!
She cheated on him, and I remember one night I was sitting around drinking with his family, and his mom told me that his ex-wife had played/lied to them all. They had really no positive feelings towards her. I don’t really think about whether they like me more or less than the last girl….I don’t think it matters! The fact that she did something so terrible automatically makes her not as “good” as me—does that makes sense?
Don’t worry about comparing. You’re clearly better! And, he LOVES you!
Post # 12
Thanks everybody! This has been super reassuring…it’s just nice to know sometimes that other people have been through the same situation. In general, I’m ok with it and I do tell myself that I’m going to be his first and only wife, and there’s a reason he’s with me and not her. We did talk about his former engagement early on (before we got engaged), which is when he explained to me everything about feeling pressure to get engaged to her in the first place.
I guess regarding his family, when we got engaged I just perceived a “here we go again” vibe from a lot of them, but I guess it just could be that they didn’t react to the news the same way my family did (lots of hugging and excitement and wanting to plan right away). That could be just the way they are, or a lack of excitement because they weren’t sure about another engagement…I’m not really sure. The other thing that has come up is during the actual planning process, sometimes his family members will throw out little comments like “She was planning to have an ice sculpture, are you having an ice sculpture?” (The answer to that question is no, mainly because we can’t afford it and it will melt at a July wedding, haha). I try to let these comments roll off my back, but sometimes they just make me a little crazy.
Thanks again for all of your support. I know that I’m SO lucky to have a fiance who loves me and who I love back, and that’s what counts! Thanks for helping me see the bigger picture. 🙂
Post # 13
It’s inappropriate for his family to make comments like that, so I think you should tell your Fiance that it makes you uncomfortably. He should stand up for you and tell them to stop making references to a wedding that never even took place.
Post # 14
I’ve been married twice before, and Darling Husband had never even been engaged before. Somehow I doubt he felt what your feeling, because wouldn’t be him, but I could see where he might have.
That said, even though he was never engaged before, he did live with another woman for 5 years. The had broken up loooooong before he and I even met, so she isn’t in the picture in any way shape or form. However, she knew his mom, and his mom, I guess, really liked her. His mom died before we met, so I never had that chance. Now there is always kind of this thought in the back of my mind that wonders if his mom would have liked her better than me and if she would have approved of our marriage.
So I think I kind of understand what you’re feeling. You might not ever stop feeling that way, but at some point you need to tell yourself that it’s an unimportant feeling and not let it bother you. Afterall, you’re the one he’s going to married to the rest of his life, and that’s what’s most important.
Post # 15
@Loribeth: I think this comment really hit it home for me: “You might not ever stop feeling that way, but at some point you need to tell yourself that it’s an unimportant feeling”
It’s frustrating that I can’t control the way I feel about this fact sometimes, but the way I respond to those feelings is ultimately up to me. Thanks again, this has been super helpful in putting this whole situation in perspective. 🙂
Post # 16
As to the comments made by his family, I think I’m going to wait it out and not say anything to them unless they bring it up again. I feel like that’s the classy way to go about this, but if and when it happens again, I’ll be sure to speak up. Thanks for the vote of confidence, bees!