(Closed) I’m his second fiancee…feeling like I have to top her?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
10714 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

My Fiance was married before just out of high school and I was engaged up until a few weeks before I met him so I know where your coming from. My family compares this wedding to the last one I was planning and his family doesn’t say much at all about the wedding… not sure why.

Post # 4
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ignore it.  The past is the past for a reason.  YOU are his present and his future.  Trying to one up her or step in her shoes just takes you away from who you are and why your Fiance loves you.

Post # 6
485 posts
Helper bee

My SO was engaged before he met me, and I found that difficult to come to terms with. I imagined that our engagement would be less exciting for him because he had done it all before… Then I learned that he never really wanted to propose, he just felt he had to do it to fix their problems, and they never did any wedding planning. He is so happy now that he didn’t marry her, and we are both so excited about planning our future together. His previous engagement is in many ways a blessing for us, because he appreciates what we have so much more. 

Think of it this way; you may be the second fiancee, but you will be his first and only wife.

Post # 7
4770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

As being in the opposite situation with my now hubby I can tell you that you have nothing to worry about!

I too was dreadding being married to my ex and couldn’t have been happier planning the wedding with my now hubby.  I do think Darling Husband had similar feelings as you but I think he also feels a bit proud to have “won” though I keep telling him there was no competition.  (The competition is proba a guy thing).  So in a way it also fed his ego a bit, maybe you should start looking at it more this way that you are number one instead of second best, which you aren’t.

Post # 8
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

yeah he has been married before, but ive never felt as if i would need to compare my self to her.. if she was perfect, or their marriage was perfect they would have stayed together.. she wasnt, they wern’nt… they didntt..

maybe ive just got some high self esteem issues.. lol! jokes!

but seriously, you are better! but not because you have to compare yourself to her.. you need to think in terms of having a wedding and it being about what you want to do  and what makesyou and your FH happy! thats the only way you will be better than her! (and you will be!) happy planning!

Post # 9
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

What does his family do that makes you feel this way? Have you told your fiance that you feel this way?

Really, it’s his place to sit down with his family and tell them that his college engagement was a mistake and that you are the woman he wants to marry.

Post # 10
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

My brother was engaged to a really sweet girl who he dated all through college, we all loved her. Almost out of the blue one day she called off the engagement and disappeared. She claimed her parents were getting a divorce and she was questioning marriage in general.

Fast forward 3 years, my brother met someone else, his current wife, and got engaged/married and pregnant within like a year. It all went very fast and poor thing knew she had big shoes to fill since we really liked his first Fiance sooo much. But honestly all we cared about was my brothers happiness – and he was happy! So even though if I’m petty I can think of some things I like better about his first Fiance, it’s just totally irrelevant – I 100% accept his wife and know it’s  unfair to compare.

Post # 11
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I don’t think you should compare yourself to her…you’re clearly in a totally different class! It didn’t work out between the two of them for a reason. My Fiance was married before, and I don’t know very much about his ex-wife. At first it bothered me a lot. I was curious–was I smarter than her? was I prettier than her? nicer than her? etc. etc. But then I just came to realize that I must be all of the above, otherwise he wouldn’t be with me!

She cheated on him, and I remember one night I was sitting around drinking with his family, and his mom told me that his ex-wife had played/lied to them all. They had really no positive feelings towards her. I don’t really think about whether they like me more or less than the last girl….I don’t think it matters! The fact that she did something so terrible automatically makes her not as “good” as me—does that makes sense?

Don’t worry about comparing. You’re clearly better! And, he LOVES you!

Post # 13
485 posts
Helper bee

It’s inappropriate for his family to make comments like that, so I think you should tell your Fiance that it makes you uncomfortably. He should stand up for you and tell them to stop making references to a wedding that never even took place.

Post # 14
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’ve been married twice before, and Darling Husband had never even been engaged before. Somehow I doubt he felt what your feeling, because wouldn’t be him, but I could see where he might have. 

That said, even though he was never engaged before, he did live with another woman for 5 years. The had broken up loooooong before he and I even met, so she isn’t in the picture in any way shape or form. However, she knew his mom, and his mom, I guess, really liked her. His mom died before we met, so I never had that chance. Now there is always kind of this thought in the back of my mind that wonders if his mom would have liked her better than me and if she would have approved of our marriage.

So I think I kind of understand what you’re feeling. You might not ever stop feeling that way, but at some point you need to tell yourself that it’s an unimportant feeling and not let it bother you. Afterall, you’re the one he’s going to married to the rest of his life, and that’s what’s most important. 

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