(Closed) I’m his second fiancee…feeling like I have to top her?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
2396 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Don’t let this get in the way of planning the wedding the two of you want and being excited for your marriage/life together. She wasn’t a true fiance to him if he always felt as if she was not the right girl and he was heavily pressured into it…you are the one for him and you will be his only wife, just as you mentioned. Ignore everyone else. They are not on the inside of your relationship.

Post # 18
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@msbadger7: I am a 2nd fiancee and the 1st one didnt work for my Fiance because she was all about herself. I asked my fiancee about it one time in the early stages of our dating and left it alone. He is with you and that is all that matters.

Post # 19
3340 posts
Sugar bee

Eek, that’s so tactless of his family to bring up his previous/ex-fiances PLANS for the wedding!!  Yell  No wonder you are feeling second fiddle, that’s just a big no-no.  You don’t have to pretend it never happened, but directly comparing the two?  That just makes me cringe.  Literally.

Post # 20
3138 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

@msbadger7:  I’m glad it helped. You’re right that we can’t control our feelings, but we can control how we react to those feelings. 

Post # 21
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I felt the exact same way you did when my husband and I got engaged.

He had been engaged before, about a year and a half before we met. I knew the girl- she had also dated my ex! Strange coincidence.

I felt for a VERY long time that I had big shoes to fill- this girl was beautiful, had done a lot with her life, and I just felt in general that because I wasn’t “the first one” that I had a lot to live up to.

As time went on, I came to understand that the reason we got married is because WE were perfect for each other. He felt pressured into proposing to this other girl, and although it broke his heart at the time when they broke up, his family has told me time and time again that they thank their lucky stars that things didn’t work out between them.

Just remember that as long as you two continually do your best to make each other happy and put each other first, your relationship will only grow stronger. That feeling may take time to go away (sometimes it STILL gets to me!) but the reason he WANTS to marry you is because YOU are right for him.

Post # 22
387 posts
Helper bee

@JeffsWifey: That’s exactly how I used to feel, but the more I learn about their relationship I realise that I am not “second best” in any way.

He told me recently that for the first two and a half years of their 4 year relationship they never spent that much time together because he was busy with work and university, and he preferred to spend his free time with his friends. He would usually only see her when she came along to social events with his friends. After he graduated from uni he tried to spend more time with her, but by that time the relationship had started falling apart… He proposed a year after that and they broke up six months later, with no wedding plans. He met me a year after that.

When he met me he made a put a lot of effort into our relationship; he took me out on romantic dates and made sure that we spent a lot of time together getting to know each other and doing fun things together. He never did that when he met the ex-fiancee, and that makes me feel a lot better about not being the first girl he proposed to.

I also used to wonder whether his parents liked the other girl more. However, his parents came to visit us a couple of months ago and his mother told me that my SO seems so much happier since he met me, and that they think I’m very good for him. It’s great to have their full support 🙂

I always worried that I would never get over my insecurities regarding his previous fiance, but they seem to have completely disappeared now.

Just because you are feeling insecure now, it doesn’t mean you will always feel that way. It gets easier and easier with time 🙂

Post # 23
45 posts

My Fiance is my second fiance. I do not compare him to my first, and my family loves him way better than my first because they realize how much better of a person he is for me. He is the man I’m marrying, and the only man I care about.

I’m sure the same goes with how your fiance views you. People don’t always initially make the right choice, but when they do it’s like a lovely second chance. For me I appreciate my Fiance ten times more after almost marrying the wrong person for me. It almost makes the second person more special I think.

If for some reason his fam is being weird about it, don’t fret. In my experience, it’s often the guy’s family who is weird about an engagment because they are loosing their son. So if they are it could be another issue enitrely that really has nothing to do with you!

Post # 24
37 posts
  • Wedding: October 2011

I was in the opposite situation… I was engaged before and I can completely understand this situation! My mother loved my ex and had a really hard time with my new relationship; it took them over 2 years to even meet. I know that I was not happy and I didn’t even buy the first bridal magazine (I say this because I now have stacks and started the next day after my engagement). It was something that I felt pressured into doing and I knew that I wasn’t happy. I kept putting off the wedding planning as long as I could. I don’t think that it is right for his family to treat you this way but time will help them get over it. My mother now talks to my fiancé and everything is great, it just took a long time to get there!!  Good Luck to you and don’t think that you have to prove yourself because he has proven your worth by being with you!

Post # 25
788 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Don’t compare yourself to her, you don’t want to be ANYTHING like her. Be glad that you don’t fill her shoes. They are bad bad shoes.

As for his family, they are probably just being cautious about getting close with you, since the last time they got excited for a wedding it didn’t pan out. They probably saw her good side only and don’t have the same distaste for her that he does. They’ll love you more and more with time as they see how happy you make him.

He loves you and wants to marry you, just because he almost made a mistake and married the wrong person doesn’t make you any less special.

Post # 26
2166 posts
Buzzing bee

My Fiance was not only engaged, but married before.  It’s really really hard and I still find it hard not to compare myself to her and their relationship.  The moment something goes bad, I used to ask: “Did you and G fight about this too?”

Or when Fiance suggested we get an empty photo album and steam off the labels of wine we tried and wrote out what we ate it with, I later found out this was something he did with her.  It kind of ruined that for me.

But I finally came to better terms with it but putting myself in his shoes.

Yes there are times where I might repeat an action I liked doing with my ex, but that is not because I wish my Fiance WAS my ex, it just means I liked doing it.  And I, like him OF COURSE we had happy times in our relationship. Of course I still have the odd item around the house that although the EX either bought it for me or we bought it together.  I love it and want to keep it for those reasons alone, not because I’m staying tied to the past (he has a huge shield that him and his ex selected on a trip to South Africa that they bought right after they got engaged, I have a gorgeous ring that my EX had made for me on a trip to Italy… tit for tat)

Then there is the comparison of was her proposal better.  Was her ring bigger.  Was their wedding more special.  Did his parent like her more…. But at a certain point, you just kind of have to let that go.  And when those feeling creep up on you, try and keep them at Bay.

Now as far as the family making comparsions, that is something I haven’t really had to deal with.  That is hard and I would probably ask Fiance to speak to them privately and tell them that it was a little upsetting for you and to please try and not do it.

If it makes you feel any better, although my FIs parents don’t like he EX any better than me they have made it pretty clear that the marriage they had was my FI’s “real wedding’ and since they’ve already gone to that one, they won’t be going to our ‘silly little wedding’ in Mexico.  And they didn’t mean that to be bitchy, nor was it personal against me.   They just were very matter of fact about it.  Its a bitter pill to swallow but I just have let it go. 

I wish you lots of luck and love and send you a cyber ((HUG))

Post # 27
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@dodgercpkl: THIS

MY boyfriend was engaged too. And at first, I was afraid I’d never “measure up” or that “first time magic” was missing. But, I think you feel all those things with the right person, not the first one to come alone. 

PM me of you need to talk about this… VERY versed on the subject, and have probably run the entire gamut of emotions.

Post # 28
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m another one! Fiance was married to “the wrong girl” a few years before I met him. While I know that they had a pretty bad relationship and there’s nothing to be better than, it gets in my head sometimes. Like if we’re arguing, I can’t help but think “Did you say that to her, too?” And weirdly enough, I’m frustrated with how little he knows about wedding planning for a guy who was married to a complete diva-type! Finally, he mentioned that they were LDR during all the planning, which explains a lot.

I don’t know how much help this is, but this is another “you’re not alone”.

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