(Closed) I'm in a great relationship, so why is a ring so important??

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@BrandyQ:  You have every right to feel as you do and expect a more permanent committment from him, if that’s what you want for your life. 

If you don’t mind my asking, has he been specific about his hesitations?  It sounds as though your relationship is progressing well and engagement, etc., seems like a natural next step (to me, anyway).  Also, how old are you both and are you established in your careers, etc.? 

He may equate taking the next step with taking lots of next steps (such as parenthood) and maybe he’s not quite ready to be a parent.  I think you need to be clear with him about your desires and expectations. 

Post # 4
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@BrandyQ:  “He’s not sure what he wants”.  You said it right there.  After my last relationship I’m a bit fed up (and OK, probably a bit bitter also) about men who don’t know what they want.  There’s just something about this extremely common situation that just frustrates me.  These guys aren’t necessarily bad guys or bad boyfriends, but they don’t know what they want or what they want out of a relationship with their girlfriends.  Or if they do know what they want, they are incapable of making it happen.

With that said, I would give him some more time.  Is your lease up next February?  Maybe you can find a nice way to let him know that you expect to be engaged (or seriously in the talks about it) by then.  And focus on being nice to yourself and taking care of your wants and needs (outside of the relationship; maybe take up a new hobby or meet up with friends you haven’t seen in a while).

There’s a book out called “Sealing the Deal” by Diana Kirshner (the Love in 90 Days author) which discusses some of the common male insecurities and how to work around them.  Maybe it would have something in there to help you out?

Post # 5
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Idk I think that everyone has their own pace, and there is something to be said about enjoying your relationship and not freaking out about the future and what-ifs instead of racing towards the next milestone.

I don’t think you should give up on wanting to get married you just shouldn’t stress yourself out by giving ultimatums –it sounds like he wants to get married but just not right now though—he may have some ideas about what it would take for him to feel ready

Like maybe he wants to propose when he decides it’s time to think about having children or buying a house–or maybe there is an age thing, like he doesn’t want to marry before he’s a certain age because he feels like when you’re married it’s time to ‘grow up’ and ‘be responsible’

Post # 6
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

It’s normal to feel as you do. Moving in together is a huge commitment, and you want to be sure that this is a permanent arrangement, since I get the feeling you want to be with this guy for life.

Of course his uncertainty would upset you. The way you describe it, though, sounds like he is quite committed… just possibly a bit apprehensive, which is also normal.

I guess my advice would be to be realistic. If you’re ok with going another couple of years to see where the relationship heads, then do that. If you’re feeling like the clock is ticking, you will need to have more conversations w. him so you don’t begin to resent him. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to know if you’re headed towards marriage. As I mentioned in my response to a previous post today, this is exactly why I made sure we were on the marriage track before I moved in w. my guy. I wasted years on my ex, and I did not want to repeat the same mistake.

Despite it being a different world now, I think most women can relate to the whole “why buy the cow if you’re getting the milk for free” thing, and it scares them. When one partner wants marriage, and the other is uncertain, it can be a precarious situation. I think you’re doing the right thing, though… getting him to open up bit by bit. If he doesn’t become a bit more sure in the next year or two, however, I might start to re-think this. I’m assuming that you’re in your 20s.. so you don’t want to waste the best years of your life if he is so uncertain.

Post # 7
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It is completely natural to feel as you do. But on the other paw, marriage does NOT make a relationship better IMO!

Post # 8
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2013

When he said he isn’t sure what he wants, you got hurt. He’s not going to be as open to telling you what is on his mind if you get upset when he tells you the truth. Get specifics on what uncertainty it is…and what he means by he’s not sure what he wants. Is it you? is it the life together?

 

Post # 11
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@BrandyQ:   Does he mean where he’s going in his career?  Or does he never see himself marrying?  After all these years he should have some sort of idea, especially if you have a healthy and loving relationship.  Keep talking to him because you deserve an answer about this.

Post # 12
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married… IF this is who you truly are.  So don’t let anyone make you think that idea is wrong (too traditional for the 21st Century)

Men are ultimately SLOW learners when it comes to figuring women out… and what is important to us.

As women we spend too much time trying to analyze them… because in the end they are pretty simple creatures… men say and do exactly as they wish… women cannot change them (I am older 50 years old, and I can speak from experience / heartache / and pain on this issue… a hard rule that women would be much better off learning when they are young… for the most part men do not change… what you see is what you get)

It is good that you two are discussing your hopes and dreams… and understanding as well each others fears.  I would say that ultimately these are all good signs… men have insecurities about sharing, because to do so (or to have your feelings spit back at you) has potential for being seen as weak.  Men are ok with being seen as real, sensitive or caring… but never weak.

When they trust a woman to open up, then they are putting that trust on the line, because thrown back at them (particularly so if done in public) then those emmotions could be seen as a weakness in front of other guys.

You do need to tell him what you want… and WHEN. Don’t make this an Ultimatium, per se.  BUT do make it clear that you have a “timeline for your life”… ie I plan to be married by ___ because I want to start having kids (or buy a house, etc) by ___

Next, DON’T NAG HIM… but make it clear that you have a certain expectation here… your long range timeline for your life is VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU… so bring it up in appropriate conversation from time to time.

He needs to realize, that you will not be “put off” for 3, 5, 7 or 10 years until he “makes up his mind” (too many girls settle for that… waiting around, essentially for something that may never happen, while their “youth” passes them by… be it for hopes to have children or find their “True Mr Right”… as other GFs get married around them).

And I agree with the post by @Anise:  … including the second paragraph.  Men tend to like women who are involved in lives of their own… because they don’t seem so desperate … and are well just far more interesting to them, because they have that appearance of NOT NEEDING A MAN.  So be sure and check out Mr Bee’s excellent advice on what to do while waiting… (the post can be found here at the top of the WAITING BOARD as a Sticky)

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 13
Member
16 posts
Newbee

@BrandyQ:  I am in the exact same position. I seriously just felt like I was reading my own words. Moving in together obviously triggers that “Where are we going and WHEN!?” question in some women, and we are two of them! Has he ever lived with anyone before you? If not, he is probably still adjusting to that huge change. I don’t listen to my own advice, but the worst thing to do is nag constantly. Having a serious conversation is good, nagging is not good! (Although I do it too much!)

Post # 14
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@This Time Round:   This is perfect advice, so wise!

Post # 15
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@BrandyQ:  You sound just like me! Im completely happy with my relationship and love my SO with all my heart and I actually felt BAD that for some reason, I wanted a ring SO bad (after 4.5 years). We lived together and were spliting everything, just like you guys. I justified my feels in a few ways:

1.) Like someone else said, its kinda a “cow/milk” thing. I am giving him emotional, physical, and financial support and budgeting for things for both of us like gifts and vacations. I started getting scared after putting in all this time and effort that he he wasnt willing to take that emotional and financial leap with me too in some sort of time frame that was reasonable. Its scary putting yourself on the line like that. Thats why your convo was important, to dicuss where you want to be and when. “In x amount of years, I hope to be married/buying a house/moving/having kids…” If your timelines are off, you will know and discuss these things rationally. When you start living together and splitting things financial, it gets a little confusing.

2.) I was worried that he wasnt thinking about marriage AT ALL. I was thinking about making a life with him (buying a cat, living together, moving together) and making plans for years down the road and I got scared that he didnt think about ANY of this. Its like, I think about it a lot, does he think about it at all?? It freaked me out. Once again, talking makes it better.

 

So, talking is good. Nagging is not! It makes a wonderful thing stressful and more of a chore than an adventure…which is what it shoud be! 🙂

 

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