(Closed) I’m in a pickle…having 2nd thoughts on a bridesmaid

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@honeybee88:  If you have already asked her to be a bridesmaid, and she has accepted, I don’t think there is any polite manner in which you could now change your mind about this decision.  However, if she truly is being unresponsive to your need for her involvement, and she really is not participating along with the other bridesmaids, it would be appropriate for you to contact her to politely ask if there is anything that is bothering her — if she may be having second thoughts about her ability to be in the wedding.  If she indicates that, yes, she is not really able to fulfill this commitment, you could then allower HER to back out gracefully.  However, you can’t really “fire” her.

 

Post # 4
Member
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

but it doesn’t seem like you ever asked her to be a bridesmaid, but it is kinda late to correct her now, since you have already spoken to her about ordering a dress

Post # 5
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Since it’s such a small wedding, you could try letting her know that you’re cutting down on the entire wedding party so that the number in the wedding party doesn’t overpower the number of guests… that’s the only thing I can think of.  It would be kind of weird to have all of your wedding pictures include someone you don’t even know!  Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
2135 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would say that as long as she has not already purchased the dress, you would be ok to “fire” her. I say this as someone who is getting ready to “fire” one of my ownn bridesmaids

Post # 7
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

At this point, I think if you “fire” her you are probably saying goodbye to any chance at building a friendship.

Unless she has done something terrible or is being difficult/non-responsive it’s really hard to tell her she is no longer a bridesmaid.

The time to do this was when you first asked your girls, now that she is a Bridesmaid or Best Man it’d be pretty hard to demote her to guest without lots of hurt feelings.

The one thing you can do, is give her an out.

Since she’s being a bit non-responsive, let her know you understand being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is a big responsibility and since she’s far away if she feels she can’t do it, you’d completely understand.

But tread carefully with this as well and make sure it is coming from a place of concern for her rather than hoping she will step down.

Post # 8
Member
2708 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hmmm… well this is an unfortunate situation. You probably shouldn’t have asked her, but since you did (or didn’t correct her when she assumed) you are now stuck.  As PPs have said, you can’t “fire” her without looking bad and most likely destroying a friendship.  Since she’s not responding, I suggest you just pick a dress with your other BMs and then tell her which dress and a date to order it by and let it go.  If she doesn’t get the dress then she has removed herself from the bridal party. 

Perhaps you could use this time as an opportunity to get to know each other better.  I know you said you’ve tried to contact her about wedding stuff, but maybe you could try and talk to her about non wedding related things.  I know it’s hard because you live far away from each other, but it’s worth a shot!

Post # 9
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You cannot ‘fire’ her.  That will ruin any chance you had at a friendship.  And you cannot ask her if she’s sure she wants to be a bridesmaid, because that will come off as your trying to remove her from the party.  Just go with it.  Like you said, all she needs to do is order the dress and show up wearing it, clean and sober, on your wedding day. 

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