Post # 1
Our invitations went out on Feb 19th and we have already received a slew of replies. So far a 100% attendance rate (yay). The problem is some of FI’s family have been adding +3’s and such to their RSVP’s which were not invited and we cannot accomodate them. Our venue holds 150 max and we invited exactly 150 so there is no room available for these extra people.
I called Future Mother-In-Law last night to tell her about this and I think she became a little upset with me. She stated that this is probably not going to be the last time that this happens because my FI’s family knows alot of people in their town who has known my Fiance since he was a child and they might feel snubbed that they did not receive their own invitation. She stated that she warned us about this when we booked our reception venue.
She is worried that their family is going to look bad, and they “will not be able to show their face afterwards” because so many people have hurt feelings. My FI’s family is a pretty well known family in their town (where the wedding is being held). I am starting to feel guilty. We could have afforded to host more people, but we just didn’t WANT more than 150, that is plenty, plus we love our venue.
I don’t want my FI’s parents to be embarassed/ashamed of the wedding that we have planned, I don’t want them to see it as more of a social burden rather than a celebration of their youngest child getting married. My FI tells me not to worry about it and that I have done a great job planning the wedding of OUR dreams, but I am such a people pleaser and I want everyone to be happy.
Nothing that I can do about it now, everything is all set in stone and we are 2 months out. I guess I am just venting because I feel pretty low right now 🙁
Post # 3
Have your Fiance talk to her and explain rather than you do it, the two of you made the decision so you shouldn’t be the one in the dog house.
I’m sure if he explains the reasoning behind it to her she will warm to the idea.
Post # 4
if they wanted free reign of the guest list they should have been paying for the wedding.
Not inviting people is not rude or something to be unable to show your face arond town about, what’s rude and shameful is coming to a wedding you weren’t invited to or adding more guests to your invite than you were allowed.
Tell her you’ll be more than happy to accommodate her extra guests after you have the RSVPs back of the people who were actually invited if you have space.
Post # 5
dont let her bully you and make you feel bad. In the end its your wedding you did not put and guest(in your case guests). We had a strict rule of no one under 21, and my Future Mother-In-Law keeps insisting her best friends daughter be invited ( she is 17) Fiance and I are both on the same page that she will not have the invite extended to her daughter. After multiple requests by Future Mother-In-Law to invite her Fiance and I had to sit Future Mother-In-Law down and explain that this is now the 4th time we are explaining to her that no one under 21 is invited and she needs to accept it.
Post # 6
The issue isn’t the venue, your choice in the guest number or even that your future family is well known in town… It’s this: “but I am such a people pleaser and I want everyone to be happy.”
There is a difference in being considerate and kind and then accomodating others to make them happy, so you don’t feel bad. You cannot make everyone happy so you might as well focus on you and Fiance.
My advice is for you and Fi to call these folks, each time they RSVP more than what was invited and explain that due to city code, your venue only allows a certain amount of people, of which will be exceeded if more people than were invited show up. You are allowed to say this. Why? You are the host and it is your responsibility to keep people as safe as possible and for you to respect the guidelines of your venue. Of course you cannot physically prevent people from showing up but you do have an obligation to explain their actions are a violation of the venue and their extra guests could be turned away. I’m sorry this is uncomfortable.
Will your venue have a police officer present?
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@MrsRedPumps: I would have a calm discussion with her about it being far more embarassing for the extra +3’s to show up at the door and be turned away or walking into the reception venue where you have place cards and they don’t have a place to sit. FMIL should have offerred to foot the bill if she wanted all of these extras to attend. Maybe she should throw a party a few weeks/months later for the additional people to attend and wish you well.
I would advise you to hire a doorman and make it clear to the Future Mother-In-Law that univited guests will sadly be turned away at the door. I suspect that Future Mother-In-Law has a lot to do with the extra +3’s as well. It might also be a good idea to recontact those that RSVP’d for more than were invited to politely let them know the constraints of your reception venue and that while you would love to have invited everybody, you could only invite immediate family and close family and friends to the wedding.
Post # 8
Dude, I want to know who the heck these people are who think it’s acceptable to bring a buttload of random people to a wedding. It seems to happen so frequently on these boards, yet I have friends tactfully asking who they can bring as their plus one (ANYONE! As long as it is only one person!).
If they want to invite these random people to something, they can host their own post-wedding reception that they pay for, at whatever venue they choose, and they can invite them to that. They can’t go to your wedding though. They weren’t invited. It’s not rocket science.
And yes, have your fiance handle this. It is his wedding, his mother, and his family. He needs to take point so that fewer harsh feelings come down on you. HE needs to be the one to call the people who RSVPed for extras and make them uninvite the guests. And please do have a guestlist check at the door! If they aren’t on the list, it doesn’t make YOU look stupid, it makes whoever invited them to a wedding they weren’t invited to look stupid.
Post # 9
@Coral99: You are absolutely right. My mom said the EXACT same thing as you just did.
We will have 2 security officers there and there will be a (guest) list provided to them.
I really need to get over trying to please everyone, it’s hard to do becuase I have always been like this and I never wanted to have any tension between my future in-laws due to the wedding as our relationship is great otherwise.
Future Mother-In-Law texted me a smiley face just a minute ago, I am sure she realized that she was a little harsh last night. Maybe things will be ok afterall.
Post # 11
@distracts: That’s what I am saying. I have heard of adding 1 maybe 2 extra uninvited guests but THREE? Come on people!
Fiance is actually kind of making me upset. He asked me last night, so who is going to call the people who invited the extras?? And I looked at him and said ” It’s YOUR family, who do you think is going to call them”? I am not going to always be the bad guy who has to shoot things/people down.
I have never met his extended family, it is not my place to call them up. He better get it straight….like TODAY!
Post # 12
@MrsRedPumps: Is she paying for it? If not, she can shut the hell up. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s when people who aren’t paying for the wedding think that their opinion trumps the bride’s. Grrrr.
I would be sooo tempted to say “screw you and your demands… we’re eloping!” 🙂
Post # 13
She needs to take a chill pill. Not everyone needs a huge wedding with everyone their parents ever spoke to at in attendance… I would be seeing red if my mother-in-law had ever behaved this way.
Post # 14
@canarydiamond: Not a penny! When we first made our guest list we gave his parents 25 people, my mom 25 people and Fiance and I each had 50 people to invite. This wasn’t enough for her, she HAD to have 73 people. We showed his parents the extra cost for these people (not even mentioning at the time that our venue would not allow it) and she backed off, because they don’t believe that the grooms parents should have to pay anything.
What she wanted was for us to shorten OUR guestlist in order to give THEM more people. FI ended up giving up 20 of his spots for her so everything was OK at that point.
I agree… NO PAY..NO SAY end of story.
Post # 15
@MrsRedPumps: Yeah, if he has problems with calling them, remember that most marriage advice guides and counselors say it’s best if each spouse deals with their own family, ESPECIALLY if there’s tension. You’re not blood, it’s easier for them to dislike you than it is for them to dislike him, so he has to deal with them. If he doesn’t deal with them and makes you do it, it could cause negativity in your relationship with your in-laws FOREVER. By him dealing with them (and, importantly, not scapegoating you), you guys are setting yourselves up for better familial relations in the future. But in my experience boys can totally be wusses about that! They want to hide behind the strong lady instead of doing the work.
Post # 16
@MrsRedPumps: wow, I am like fuming here for you!! Haha. Yes, you need to be firm. It’s not them that will be paying off the debt after this is all over. Stick to your guns! You can do it!