(Closed) I'm in the dog house with FMIL……sad

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Have your Fiance talk to her and explain rather than you do it, the two of you made the decision so you shouldn’t be the one in the dog house.

I’m sure if he explains the reasoning behind it to her she will warm to the idea.

Post # 4
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

if they wanted free reign of the guest list they should have been paying for the wedding. 

Not inviting people is not rude or something to be unable to show your face arond town about, what’s rude and shameful is coming to a wedding you weren’t invited to or adding more guests to your invite than you were allowed. 

Tell her you’ll be more than happy to accommodate her extra guests after you have the RSVPs back of the people who were actually invited if you have space. 

Post # 5
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

dont let her bully you and make you feel bad. In the end its your wedding you did not put and guest(in your case guests). We had a strict rule of no one under 21, and my Future Mother-In-Law keeps insisting her best friends daughter be invited ( she is 17) Fiance and I are both on the same page that she will not have the invite extended to her daughter. After multiple requests by Future Mother-In-Law to invite her Fiance and I had to sit Future Mother-In-Law down and explain that this is now the 4th time we are explaining to her that no one under 21 is invited and she needs to accept it.

Post # 6
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

The issue isn’t the venue, your choice in the guest number or even that your future family is well known in town… It’s this: “but I am such a people pleaser and I want everyone to be happy.”

There is a difference in being considerate and kind and then accomodating others to make them happy, so you don’t feel bad. You cannot make everyone happy so you might as well focus on you and Fiance.

 

My advice is for you and Fi to call these folks, each time they RSVP more than what was invited and explain that due to city code, your venue only allows a certain amount of people, of which will be exceeded if more people than were invited show up. You are allowed to say this. Why? You are the host and it is your responsibility to keep people as safe as possible and for you to respect the guidelines of your venue. Of course you cannot physically prevent people from showing up but you do have an obligation to explain their actions are a violation of the venue and their extra guests could be turned away. I’m sorry this is uncomfortable.

 

Will your venue have a police officer present?

 

Post # 7
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@MrsRedPumps:  I would have a calm discussion with her about it being far more embarassing for the extra +3’s to show up at the door and be turned away or walking into the reception venue where you have place cards and they don’t have a place to sit.  FMIL should have offerred to foot the bill if she wanted all of these extras to attend.  Maybe she should throw a party a few weeks/months later for the additional people to attend and wish you well.

I would advise you to hire a doorman and make it clear to the Future Mother-In-Law that univited guests will sadly be turned away at the door.  I suspect that Future Mother-In-Law has a lot to do with the extra +3’s as well.  It might also be a good idea to recontact those that RSVP’d for more than were invited to politely let them know the constraints of your reception venue and that while you would love to have invited everybody, you could only invite immediate family and close family and friends to the wedding.

Post # 8
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Dude, I want to know who the heck these people are who think it’s acceptable to bring a buttload of random people to a wedding. It seems to happen so frequently on these boards, yet I have friends tactfully asking who they can bring as their plus one (ANYONE! As long as it is only one person!).

If they want to invite these random people to something, they can host their own post-wedding reception that they pay for, at whatever venue they choose, and they can invite them to that. They can’t go to your wedding though. They weren’t invited. It’s not rocket science.

And yes, have your fiance handle this. It is his wedding, his mother, and his family. He needs to take point so that fewer harsh feelings come down on you. HE needs to be the one to call the people who RSVPed for extras and make them uninvite the guests. And please do have a guestlist check at the door! If they aren’t on the list, it doesn’t make YOU look stupid, it makes whoever invited them to a wedding they weren’t invited to look stupid.

Post # 12
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@MrsRedPumps:  Is she paying for it? If not, she can shut the hell up. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s when people who aren’t paying for the wedding think that their opinion trumps the bride’s. Grrrr.

I would be sooo tempted to say “screw you and your demands… we’re eloping!” 🙂

Post # 13
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

She needs to take a chill pill. Not everyone needs a huge wedding with everyone their parents ever spoke to at in attendance… I would be seeing red if my mother-in-law had ever behaved this way.

Post # 15
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MrsRedPumps:  Yeah, if he has problems with calling them, remember that most marriage advice guides and counselors say it’s best if each spouse deals with their own family, ESPECIALLY if there’s tension. You’re not blood, it’s easier for them to dislike you than it is for them to dislike him, so he has to deal with them. If he doesn’t deal with them and makes you do it, it could cause negativity in your relationship with your in-laws FOREVER. By him dealing with them (and, importantly, not scapegoating you), you guys are setting yourselves up for better familial relations in the future. But in my experience boys can totally be wusses about that! They want to hide behind the strong lady instead of doing the work.

Post # 16
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@MrsRedPumps:  wow, I am like fuming here for you!! Haha. Yes, you need to be firm. It’s not them that will be paying off the debt after this is all over. Stick to your guns! You can do it!

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