Post # 1
I’ve written about this before, this is nothing new, but somehow I thought it was going to get better? Darling Husband and I had sex once in January and happened to get pregnant. This was after not having sex for a LONG time. We found out I was pregnant in February and continued our streak of no sex for a while. I don’t remember the last time we had sex. Everytime I bring it up I feel like I almost have to bring it up in a joking matter so that when he shoots me down I can pretend like I was only kidding.
It’s hard enough that I’m 8 months prengnant and feel awful about myself. It’s even harder that he still feels like it’s ok to call me “tubby” (joking or not) and refuses to have sex with me. I feel like I deserve so much better, but who’s going to even look at an 8 month pregnant woman like that? I want to feel desired again and beautiful.
We have talked about this. We’ve spent COUNTLESS nights staying up until 3am trying to talk through everything. I honestly don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into. Can anyone suggest anything?
Post # 3
I don’t have anything terribly helpful to offer, but reading this makes me want to kick his @ss so badly! Who in the hell calls a pregnant woman “tubby”?! OMG!!
Maybe he’s just jealous that you get to bring a life into this world and he doesn’t!
Post # 4
I am sorry to hear this. What does your husband say when you bring it up to him? What are his reasons/excuses? Has he been depressed, on medications that may cause impotence leading him to not want to be intimate, etc.? I would say maybe he has some fear of having sex with you while pregnant, but it sounds like this was going on long before you got pregnant. I don’t think things will get any easier right after baby is born. Have you considered counseling?
Post # 5
If he’s willing to stay up until 3 am talking about it then it’s not like he’s completely being a douche. Why don’t you tell him that it hurts you when he calls you that?
If you’ve talked this out on many many occasions it seems like you’d have some reason why or some light at the end of the tunnel (no pun intended lol).
Post # 6
i’d be interested to know what his reasons are. it sounds like you are the one initiating communication about this, and that he immediately shoots you down (except for the all night talks, which sound like they might be frustrating too). i’m sorry to say but if you didn’t have sex as a married couple with no kids, odds are it won’t pick up on it’s own once your baby arrives 🙁 if he’s open to counseling, i would suggest that.
Post # 7
It sounds like he’s just joking it off by calling you “tubby” while you’re pregnant and not addressing the real problem here. It has to be something deeper. If he refuses to get to the root of the problem, I suggest the two of you seek some counseling. You can’t just accept the idea that you’re never going to have sex again; that’s ridiculous and you deserve better.
Post # 8
I agree that counseling would probably help the two of you communicate. This isn’t going to get better unless you seriously work on it, especially since you two have intimacy problems to begin with.
Post # 9
Have you always had intimacy issues? From this post we know it was before you got pregnant, but has this been an issue your entire relationship? (the fact that you said you had sex 1 time in January and thats when you got married is alarming) There may be nothing you can do. Talking about it is great, but if it’s not getting you anywhere then you’re beating a dead horse.
Perhaps counseling is needed, but it sounds like you married this man this way and are now asking him to change.
Post # 10
@maggierose: He’s very insecure about himself. He doesn’t like talking about our intimacy issues. When I talk to him about it he usually tells me that he “doesn’t have time for this” and he gets really defensive and tries to turn it on me that I bring it up just to “point out his flaws.” This is why it’s so hard for me to talk to him about it, because he gets so upset. I hate shining light on such emotional issues for him, and it’s never going to be fixed until he’s able to get over his insecurities.
His reasonings about the lack of sex change on a situational basis. Before we got married it was so that the wedding night would be more special (we were both exhausted and didn’t even have sex that night). When we found out I got pregnant it was “I don’t want to take any chances that might cause miscarriage.” Now that I’m farther along it’s that he “doesn’t want to cause the start of labor.” I feel like while his concerns ARE legitimate, they’re just excuses. I’m sure after the child is born it will be something else.
@mwitter80: Perhaps counseling is needed, but it sounds like you married this man this way and are now asking him to change.
You hit the nail on the head. This is why I feel bad about bringing it up to him! The sad thing is that it didn’t used to be like this! The first night we spent together we got no sleep because we spent the whole night having sex. I didn’t even know that was possible! He used to be so passionate. Nothing really changed, so I don’t know why this happened. I put it off as the whole “after x amount of time with someone sex slows down.”
Most days I’m okay with the way we are. I’ve accepted that this is who he is and how our relationship is going to be. I love him dearly. It’s just some nights I’ll see pictures of us in our early relationship days and I get sad that we’re not like that anymore.
Post # 11
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
A very good friend of mine went through THE SAME THING! When THEY became pregnant, he didn’t have sex with her the entire pregnancy. They talked and talked and talked about it, and he would always laugh about it, but lets all be honest, its not funny –
They eventually went to see a counselor for “parenting,” what he thought, and in turn it was for their sex life.. She probably shouldnt have lied and said they were going to someone for parenting stuff, but it worked for them.. They eventually started having sex again..
Post # 12
Sorry this is happening to you. 🙁 I would definitely bring this to an outside mediator. That is not okay!
Post # 13
wow, if he doesn’t want to talk to you about it he’s not going to want to talk to a total stranger about it! while i think counselling is a good idea for you, it’s going to be difficult to bring it up with him as an option. A friend of mine had a boyfriend with some intimacy problems (he wanted to have sex but couldn’t ‘perform’) and really struggled to talk to him about it. She found printing some stuff off the internet and giving it to him to read in his own time was easier than having face to face conversations.
generally in relationships, yes the sex decreases over time but not to once every six months! it will be a long, unsatisfying marriage unless you two are able to deal with this now so try and deal with it head-on, eventually he will thank you for it!
Post # 14
Honestly I think 8 months pregnant you are still so beautiful!! Maybe more beautiful because you are the carrier of his child. So its him not wanting to have sex? I dont know really what to tell you if you are saying that you have had countless convorsations about this. You guys need to get to the root of why you arent having sex anymore. Maybe bring someone in to talk about everything,get to the deeper issues. Im so sorry your going through this.
Post # 15
I am so sorry, I know how hard this can be. The best recommendation I can give you is to find either a psychologist specializing in sexuality, or a sex therapist (slightly different but similar). It sounds like these are longstanding issues that will require some effort on both of your parts to resolve. You’re definitely not the only ones going through it though, or these people would not be in business and I myself know more than one therapist who specializes in sexual issues such as these. You can definitely get through it!
Post # 16
Do you share other forms of intimacy (both emotional and physical) with your husband other than actual sex? Do you hold hands or touch each other with affection during the course of your day?
If he’s afraid that the act of intercourse may harm you or the baby, maybe he’d up for cuddling (naked or clothed) or just spending some quality time being close?
I know that sometimes when I’m not that interested in sex, I still love to cuddle and just be close to my Darling Husband so that we can emotionally connect. And sometimes feeling that emotional intimacy gets me more interested in the physical stuff.
Good luck with your impending arrival and I hope you guys can work it out 🙂