Post # 1
If you haven’t, read this post first.
Anyway, I was with my grandpa this morning. He takes me to school on Mondays and Wednesdays because I presently don’t have a car (FH has two, once they both are running smoothly I will). It’s nice because he’s not getting any younger and I wouldn’t really see him if he didn’t. He sprung the topic of my cousin and Grandma on me out of nowhere. My brother is in an art show next month – his first – and when my mom told him to call and tell my grandparents about it, he said, “Why? I’m not *cousin*. I don’t matter.” So I’m obviously not the only one who feels this way about my grandma. My mom mentioned this to my grandpa the other day, and he mentioned it to me this morning.
Long story short, Grandpa was saying that he doesn’t think they’re giving her any more attention than she needs because they’re having to parent her since her dad is literally useless. I told him that it’s not him, it’s Grandma. Grandma is enabling my cousin to be the way she is by giving her all the attention and letting her get away with things like having bad grades and that the way things are going, my cousin is going to become her dad and Grandma could prevent that if she tried but she isn’t. And Grandma never puts any time or effort into the rest of us. He said she doesn’t put any time/effort into him either. I didn’t bring up the topic of the ridiculous lengths my cousin has gone to for the attention she gets, because that never gets me anywhere.
And I told him several times, “It’s not you, it’s Grandma”. He hasn’t done anything, and usually stays out of any and all situations like this. I’m surprised he said anything to me this morning about it.
My mom said I handled it really well. But I’m just so done with everything. I’m so tired of all of this and I want it to go away. I don’t know what to say, if anything, and to whom or what to do or what to feel at this point. I don’t even care about being “right” anymore or making things go back to the way they used to be. I just want them to stop.
Post # 3
My heart really goes out to you. Situations like these are tough and draining for me because of the drama involved but more importantly because there is nothing that can be done to fix it. I HATE situations where it is impossible to reason with someone, or to come to a compromise, or to get others to understand a situation, and as such cannot make everything better.
The best piece of (unsolicited) advice I can give you is to just worry about yourself and those who care about you. My husband’s family made our lives miserable throughout our wedding planning – it was mostly his mother and as DH likes to say, “Reality is an option for her”. The drama and relationship struggles and the fact that it was all out of my control (’cause Lord knows I can’t control what they did or said) ate me alive. It even affected me after the wedding. At some point I simply had enough of it all. I stopped engaging (and more importantly, catering to) the people who were making life miserable, I focused on myself and my husband and those who loved us and were supportive of us.
Hang in there – I hope this situation either gets better for you or, at the very least, you don’t feel the effects of it as strongly. 🙂
Post # 4
@Squee-diddly-dee: Thank you so much. This whole situation has been going on for almost 2 years now and I’m exhausted. If it only affected me, I would’ve walked away a long time ago and only dealt with them on holidays, but it’s affecting my brother and sister as well (17 and 15). They didn’t start or cause any of it and it breaks my heart that they’re getting sucked into it. I want to make things the way they used to be for them, but I just don’t see how that’s going to happen. My mom has tried and still nothing.
I hate it. It’s eating me alive that I can’t do anything.
And then my birthday is next month, which always includes a whole family dinner of the birthday person’s choice. I don’t even want to think about how that’s going to go.
Post # 5
Oh darlin’, I’m right there with you when it comes to the parties. Any time I know that we’re going to meet up with DH’s family I stress and end up with terrible heartburn that starts a few days before the event and lasts a few days after.
Maybe the birthday dinner will turn out alright. You and your siblings can treat your grandmother and cousin with courtsey and some kindness without being all up in their business and super mushy. I hate taking the high road in situations like these but I suck it up and do it because it’s the best thing to do (annnnnd later on I think of snappy zingers that I could have dealt out and subsequently feel witty and a little better).
What do your siblings thing of the situation and how do they want to deal with it?
Post # 6
@Squee-diddly-dee: I don’t even know that there will even be a birthday dinner with the way things are right now.
My brother and sister are hurt and frustrated too, My sister rides horses and is in a couple horse shows a month. My brother is about to have art in a gallery next month. Neither of them wants to call and invite her to their events, because they know she won’t come. For them, that’s about as far as it goes, though it’s still the exact opposite of what used to be normal. They’re more passive about it, and even though they’re definitely hurt, they don’t really care to deal with it. They ignore it whenever they can.