(Closed) I'm kinky, I don't think he's into it?

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
562 posts
Busy bee

Have you tried doing one step at a time? For the intimacy part, for a month or so Start with the dirty talk, then move onto the rougher sex, then even further. Then with the other side one day give him two choices for you to wear, and he can pick. Then make it a few more. Then tell him on Fridays he picks what you want. I think that overtime he could start to view the structure and get into it.

It may seem spoiled for a while – with you having to direct it… but I think he would want to make you happy so this is a good compromise. If he is 100% morally against this for any reason, though, I don’t think that anything could get him “on your side” and it would be more fair for each of you to find the correct suitor. But it seems like there are a lot of mini changes you can both try to ease into the waters!

Post # 4
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee

Perhaps the two of you could read some Dom/sub erotica together? That could give him some ideas and give the two of you a chance to explore what parts turn each of you on. 

Post # 6
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Have you explored Reddit/sex? Or Reddit/bdsm? They have some amazing helpful articles on how to integrate it into your lifestyle and slowly ramp it up from bunny beginner levels to the hardcore stuff. 

It helped that after intimate moments, we discussEd what worked and what didn’t work and organically we came up with parameters or boundaries that worked for the both of us. In the beginning stages, utilizing a blindfold was very helpful in that it gave the sub the thrill of anticipation while giving the Dom a chance to gather themselves and not feel so ‘vulnerable.’ It can be intense and overwhelming in regards to the feelings of responsibility that comes with being a Dom. GL Bee!

 

Post # 7
Member
494 posts
Helper bee

It is definitely important you slowly introduce your needs to your Darling Husband. It may be a scary thought to face an unknown but if he loves you and is on board with fulfilling your needs, I’m sure he will be onboard. Only trouble would be expecting a dominant character from a shy, timid person. It’s bascially asking for an alter ego. In the end I hope you both get to learn and explore with a little guidance. Maybe reading books as the pp mentioned, might help expand his vision in a comfortable atmosphere. Good luck and have fun in your ventures.

Post # 9
Member
3439 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

The way I see it, every time you have plain vanilla sex, you are compromising your needs. I think it’s only fair that he occasionally compromises his. Does he recognize that it really is a need? Personally, I can’t get off without D/S. Just holding your arms down could go along away, and I don’t think that’d be Repost if that’s something that makes him uncomfortable. But again, it’s his job to meet you halfway. Blindfolds and handcuffs are pretty vanilla things he could do to get you into it. Occasional spanking to start. Even just asking him to demand, “Get on your knees, sl*t” to change position instead of moving you gently or asking. 

Good luck, Bee!

And also, since he’s not kinky he probably doesn’t understand that it totally ruins it if you’re practically making him do it. Maybe you could talk about that and he could start planning on it some times. Like ok, next Friday is your day and we’re breaking out the toys. He shold want to do this stuff for you, and want to please you, even if he doesn’t totally understand. I could never handle it if my Fiance didn’t understand!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  lovelyruby.
Post # 11
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Im not an expert here so I may be talking rubbish but I think this is going to be a difficult one for both of you. If you are asking someone who is not naturally a domineering person who likes being in a position of power, I can see it would be totally overwhelming for them to fulfil all of your needs. Similarly, if what you are currently doing is not working for you and you arent getting what you want, it can be difficult to hide that dissatisfaction. You can be having great sex with someone but still not feel satisfied so its probably important to make it clear that you aren’t complaining about what you currently have, you just feel like you want to try a different way of doing it, if that makes sense?

I can see it from both of your positions and they are both completely valid positions to be in so I think the obvious answer would be to try and meet in the middle to begin with then see where it takes you. You could maybe suggest what you would like to do (which I know is not the ideal situation for you but just while you’re testing the water) but also say that once you have come up with the idea, you what him to be in control of the decision making and the actions that happen from there on in. I would say be encouraging as you start doing this and tell him how much you are enjoying it so he knows for sure as I think sometimes, people are reluctant to treat someone the way you want to be if it doesnt come naturally to them incase they hurt you/come across as disrespectful etc Once you make it clear that you are enjoying that way of doing things, he might feel more comfortable so that you dont have to keep reassuring him that its what you want and he may do it more spontaniously which Im sure would be more satisfying for you.

Do you think hes shy of the idea and could partake more with some encouragement or do you think he just doesnt enjoy it full stop in the sense that it makes him genuinely uncomfortable because its not in his nature? Because I think that needs to be figured out so you can figure out what you should do next. You giving up on getting what you need is just as unfair on you as expecting him to completely change his lifestyle to one he isnt comfortable with so it might be that neither of you backs down completly to the others ideals but surely a bit of what makes you both happy is better than nothing at all? Its so difficult when you both aren’t on the exact same page but as difficult as it may be for him, you need to be getting what you need from the relationship too so instead of either of you completely giving up and him not trying or you dropping the idea, I think for the time being, I’d aim for the middle ground and it might be that you both need to live on that compromised land but again, it would be better for you than just giving up. Relationships are all about compromise and I dont think this is any exception personally.

Good luck bee, I hope you find a way forward that makes you both happy!

Post # 12
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t know, bee, I agree with lolatheshowgirl, it sounds like there is some pretty serious sexual incompatibility here. If you would prefer to be D/s 24/7 and can only get off from kinky sex, and he doesn’t like it at all and just wants vanilla, this is going to require both of you compromising a lot. I would maybe work this out in counseling before you get married. Not saying it’s a dealbreaker, just that you want to make sure everyone’s needs can be met in this relationship.

Post # 13
Member
6543 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I tend to agree that when people’s sexualities are incompatible or one partner is uncomfortable with what the other wants, sex tends to dwindle because of avoidance. I’d be careful about how you push for what you want because if he knows that everytime you have vanilla sex you aren’t deeply satisfied, that puts a lot of performance anxiety on him. And for him, it IS partially a performance if he isn’t naturally dom. A lot of people are willing to agree to or try a lot of things in the earlier stages of a relationship, but if it isn’t something they really enjoy, it gets harder and harder to maintain as the years go on. If the two of you don’t have counseling now, you may have to plan for it later, and I’d really really consider how you might feel if he never becomes the partner you want – and how he might feel if he knows he will never be what you want or is always slightly weirded out by your desires. 

Post # 14
Member
5884 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

themoonofhislife:  I’d be pretty concerned about this as it sounds like a really important part of your sexual fufillment.

Have you guys considered opening up your relationship to allow you to have a Dom outside of your relationship?  Maybe a professional?  Maybe you only go there to get your sub on, but don’t even include sex in your activities with him?

How openly have you talked about this with your DH?  Maybe you guys can find some middle ground that allows you guys to balance both of your prefered styles.  I’m guessing that if you’re a natural sub you are hoping that he gets it with hints…but you may need to sit him down and say, “honey, I’m kinky.  I want to be your sub.  That means I want x, y, and z.  What do you think?”

Post # 15
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Maybe he’s just not familiar with it so he doesn’t feel comfortable in that role of being in control. Could you get your fix through porn? And maybe incourage him to check out some of your favorite videos. Then he could re-inact them with you? Sometimes it’s hard to feel confident in what  you are doing when you don’t know much about it. Or worst case would just watching that type of porn be enough for you if he’s not interested? 

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