Post # 1
I reciently became engaged to my best friend (for name’s sake we’ll call him Bear). Our entire relationship Bear and I have been happy with support and love from all those near to us. I am LDS and Bear is not. Often times my side of the family would find some commet about him not being LDS usually with my grandmother telling me how “it’s up to you to get married in the temple since my own daughter faultered”(the daughter she refers to is my aunt) even though she’s been more than gracious to both Arron and I when we visit her. Both my parents are sealed as well. Since we announed our engagement my mother keeps asking me if I’m “sure” about marriage. My grandmother is nearly refusing to speak to or even look at me.
I’m asking how do I cope with this…negativity. Honestly, the negative feed back from my family has caused me to double think, not about Bear but about timing. “Should I wait until he decieds to join the church or not? Should I rick losing my family or losing my fiance?” My family LOVES bear, they just don’t love that he’s not a member…how do I help them see he’s a good man reguardless?
Post # 3
As a non-religious person, I have a very hard time understanding how your family could really love him but not approve of your marriage. Is he considering joining the church? If he is than yes, you might as well wait until he does
Post # 4
@Ladybug2013: I’m sure they already think he’s a good man. You yourself said they love him. However, your family seems to be a lot more serious about their religion than you are and really, that’s where the problem is. How important is it to you if he says he never intends to join the LDS church. How do you feel about raising your children in an interfaith home? How will you raise the kids? How do you feel about your husband never being able to go to church with you? Put your feelings away for a minute and REALLY think about those questions because I’m sure that’s where your family’s sticking point is.
You’re thinking with love and rose colored glasses. They’re thinking practically and logically. You need to do it as well. This is one of the reasons why as a Christian woman, I would NEVER involve myself with a non-christian man. Those things were monumentally important to me, but I’m just as serious about Christianity as your family is about LDS
Post # 5
I would hazard a guess that even if he converts, it won’t be good enough for your relatives because he isn’t ‘born in church’ or a returned missionary. He will always be ‘less than’ in their eyes.
If your family genuinely loved Bear, it wouldn’t matter that he isn’t a member.
The answers you are looking for can only be found within yourself. Bear may find after investigating your church that it isn’t for him at all. You have to be happy with raising a family that will never be completely inside your church, and with comments from both your family and your ward about it.
I would not want to be around people who were not supportive of my choice in husband and constantly criticizing my decision, but that’s just me.
I also think you should do some reading up on what happens inside the temple and see if that is what fits your idea of what a wedding should be about. It’s pretty underwhelming and disappointing by most of the honest accounts I’ve read. Not to say that it’s not for you, but it’s definitely a ritual that you should be prepared for and go into with open eyes. (You should do that with everything, not just with marriage)
Post # 6
Is Arron also Bear? He may never decide to join the church, so I wouldn’t worry about the timing…
Post # 7
@Ladybug2013: This is a tough one but the bottom line has to be how YOU feel, not how your family feels. Do you love him? Do you want to spend your life with him? Do you think that religion is going to be an issue in 5 years? 10 years? Are you going to have kids? If so, how will you raise them? This needs to be your decision, not your family’s.
With that story, let me share how it happened for me. I come from a VERY religious Jewish family. My FI is from an Irish Catholic one. We are both atheists. When I began dating G 8 years ago, my father told me I could never marry a non-Jew. When they realized it was serious, my parents took me aside and told me they would sit Shivah for me and I would be dead to them.
It hurt like hell but it wasn’t their choice. We have been together for 8 years and they LOVE G. Eventually they saw how happy he made me and realized that my happiness was more important than a religon I didn’t believe in. Unfortunately, they’re still going to sit Shivah for me, but only ceremoniously. It hurts, but I’d rather that then them cutting me out of their lives.
Obviously this doesn’t directly relate to your life. But it is your decision to make and them telling you one way or another is just static. They want what is best for you, but also what is best for THEM.
I apologize if this is incoherent. I’m on day 7 of a headcold and I’m pretty sure I have blown the majority of my brain out of my nose by this point.
Post # 8
[Comment moderated for snark]
Post # 9
As an LDS woman, I would like to extend my sympathy. I udnerstand this must be a difficult thing for you.
Temple marriage is very important in the LDS faith. It is how families are linked together in this life and through eternity. Because it is so important to us, I think your family just wants you to be sure that you are willing to forefit this, at least for the time being.
I am not married in the temple, however my husband is working towards baptism and temple marriage. For us, it was the right choice to get married before he was done with this journey. I am so happy to say that he is still actively working towards this. That is why this marriage worked for me. We both hold the same core beliefs and goals.
Is your husband interested in Joining the church? Is that why you asked if you should wait till he does join? If this is the case, you might consider doing so. IF not, please do not hold that expectation. It will just put a strain on your marriage. With that in mind, if he doesn’t join, you have to decide if you are going to be ok with foregoing a temple marriage.
WHatever you do, do not expect your husband to joing the church if he is not actively working on doing so. Interest does not equate to faith.
If you still think he is the one, then go for it! Your family will be supportive of you when they see how happy you are in your decision. 🙂
Post # 10
@distracts: Wow, I find your comment extremely offensive.
Also, in regards to a PP which states that your family would never approve of Bear because he is not a Return Missionary, I think the claim is unfair.
I think the real point here is how very important family is to LDS. They worry about your choice not to get married in the temple. That does not mean they would never approve of Bear regardless of what he does.
Post # 11
That’s really tough. I’m not LDS but I know some people who are and have family that used to be, so I can understand this is a huge deal. Honestly I think you just have to decide you want to marry him regardless, or you don’t. If he’s open to joining, I would explore that as aggressively as you can. But ultimately it comes down to, would you rather be with him or make your family happy?
And I know their teachings would disagree, but I believe FH and I will be together for eternity even though we aren’t LDS. I’m a very spiritual person and I don’t need someone to tell me things I hold to be true in my heart.
Post # 12
@susi_petunia: If family was important to LDS, they would not insist on excluding family members (LDS-without-temple-recommends or otherwise) from a temple wedding. Excluding her future in-laws from the most important part of the day is a poor way to join their families together.
Post # 14
@Anise: We do not insist on excluding people from a temple marriage. We simple believe we have to live a certain lifestyle to enter the temple. We make great efforts to live a certain lifestyle so we can hold a temple recommend. This is the reason everyone can not attend the ceremony in the temple. However that does not exclude family from being a part of the married couples lives, or celebrating their marriage with them at the reception.
Post # 15
@susi_petunia: So basically family are good enough to party with and give the couple gifts, but not celebrate the actual act of getting married by being present at the ceremony?
Try asking if it’s OK to just invite people to the reception only on the etiquette boards, and you’ll be lambasted for being in poor taste.
FYI, I know way more than enough of LDS practices since my father’s family is LDS, I have an ancestor who traversed the plains with and was a scout for Brigham Young, and resigned my membership in that religion when I was 19, primarily because it’s based on a hoax and for the way members treat people (members, nonmembers, and people they supposedly love).
Post # 16
@susi_petunia: You contradict yourself- you say that you don’t exclude people but that you must have a certain lifestyle to enter the temple. That’s exclusion. Sure the family can celebrate with the married couple at the reception, but no parent is going to be OK with not actually seeing their son or daughter get married, and then meeting up with them to celebrate at the reception.