Post # 1
My Fiance are getting married in 4 weeks — 4 weeks! I have been so excited and anxious to get to the wedding, for all of this planning to be over, to be married, and then go on our honeymoon. And it is to be a fabulous honeymoon – a cruise to the Bahamas, he even arranged for me to swim with dolphins (a dream of mine).
But yesterday, everything has come to a stand still, on the verge of crashing down.
I’ll preface this with saying that his father was paying for our rehearsal dinner and helping with a very nice portion of our honeymoon (which we did not ask him to do, so it is greatly appreciated – believe me).
Well yesterday, his father got arrested. Details are still very sketchy at this point. All we know is that he pulled a gun and shot at someone, not clear if he actually shot the person, but we don’t think he did. The police came and arrested him and charged him with aggravated assault and possession of drugs. Apparently there were some drugs in his house (not clear if they were his or not). So his dad is sitting in jail. It’s been nearly impossible to get any information on what is happening. Lawyers won’t call us back.
Granted I’ve only met his father 3 times, but he has always seemed like a wonderful man. I’m not sure what has happened. Apparently, Fiance tells me his father has struggled with alcoholism for a long time and has gone back to his drinking days.
My head is just spinning. #1 – I cannot believe this has happened. I have never been associated with a person like this, and to know he is about to be my Father-In-Law is absolutely crazy to me. It blows my mind — pulling out a gun and trying to shoot someone? Drugs? Drinking? I have always tried to stay away from people who live that kind of lifestyle. I knew his dad had experienced drinking problems, but was told it was years ago. #2 – Now our rehearsal dinner and honeymoon are completely up in the air. We had been saving some, but definitely not enough to even cover one of those events. Right after the honeymoon, we are moving from Austin to Atlanta, both have new jobs, just sold my house here in TX, wanting to buy a new one in ATL. I don’t want his fathers mistake to wreak havoc on us right now. It’s like we have SO MUCH going on already … we are so stressed … and now this happens. And for me, this has pushed me over the edge.
I cannot even tell my family what has happened. They would have an extremely negative view of everything (and it may be appropriate) and my mother and father would not want me to have anything to do with his family or father from here on out.
I just have no clue what to do. We had everything set up perfectly to wed, honeymoon, move, and set up our new life. If this had happened 4 months out, no problem. But we are 4 weeks.
I am just so lost and had to vent to somebody.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Take one day at a time, and be careful to not let the stress of this come between you and your fiance. We’ll be thinking of you
Post # 4
Georgia Lady- I know this is probably freaking you out, and it should. But your fiance should be able to talk to him soon, in jail or out. He’s definitely got his own problems but I also know that he’s still aware that you guys are depending on him. Hopefully he will bond out and he will be able to come to the wedding and fulfill his promise. Things may not be as bleak as they seem right now. At this point I’d have to say that y’all need to consider financing whatever is not covered… you are on the hook at this stage for a big chunk of everything even if you cancel. I am sure that he did not mean for this to happen and will help you- even though he has his own legal issues. Sad situation- I am so sorry this happened.
If you can wait a few days until his situation becomes clear, it will help you explain this to your side of the family. Yes, as a Mom, I would be very concerned about this, but you are marrying the son and not the father. And hopefully, it’s not as bad as it seems right now. Best wishes.
Post # 5
Oh man, that’s rough. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that, I think it’d push me over the edge too. I don’t even know what to tell you to do. Maybe scale back on the rehearsal dinner. Can you have it at someone’s house? Less formal= less money. And as far as the honeymoon goes. I hate to think you wouldn’t be able to go. That’s what you should spend whatever savings you do have on. Keep us posted about what happens!
Post # 6
I’m sure your FI is probably incredibly upset and worried about the fact his father possibly shot someone, is now in jail, is involved in drugs and may be drinking again.
What a terrible situation and timing for you all…
Post # 7
I agree if with Jennifer, if you can scale back the Rehearsal Dinner at all start working on that now. I.e. cut out any alcohol, flower arrangements. People won’t really notice flowers at the Rehearsal Dinner and maybe do just a toast at the Rehearsal Dinner and then cash bar it. Anything to help you guys pay for it if he is unable to.
For the honeymoon I agree use what savigns you do have to finish paying for it. Because you’ll probably lose your money you got into it.
Then I’d start trying to find a way to get a small loan that you could use to finance the rest if need to.
My friend’s boyfriend got arrested at the airport because he forgot that he had his gun still packed in his suitcase. He is former military and travels every where with it. And normally he takes it out when going to the airport. He just forgot. Poor guy doesn’t drink, never had a speeding ticket and here he was on Thanksgiving day sitting in the jail. It took a full 24 hrs before his girlfriend could talk with him. She was with him at the airport. It took her a full almost 48 hrs to get him out. Thankfully all of his chargers were dropped. So give it a few more hours and see what happens.
Post # 8
Please remind your parents (if you tell them) that a child is not associated with the bad choices of their parents. I have a sketchy, low-life father who I haven’t seen in almost 15 years. I would never want anyone to associate me with the terrible choices of my father.
Post # 9
Thank you, ladies. You girls are wonderful.
My Fiance is caught between wanting to help his father and wanting to walk away from him for good. Their relationship has always been a struggle and only got worse when my FI’s mother passed away in 2004. I know he wants to heal things with his father, but I think he has just been pushed too far now. Right now, he is so angry at what his father has done, the poor decisions he made and just the timing of everything.
babyboo — thank you for saying that. Obviously I love my Fiance and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don’t believe he behaves in manners his father has just demonstrated. So I will definitely remind my parents that he is not his father.
We will definitely allow some time to pass, but I am just so thrown right now I had to vent to someone or on something. So thank you.
Post # 10
This sounds awful BUT the positive piece in this is everyone is alive and well. Your wedding is going to be beautiful and all else will work out for you. The difficult piece to swallow is father in-law in jail. I agree, your Fiance will have a chance to talk to him really really soon. Together they can work something out. The family will come together for this and then at your wedding everyone will feel so much better that the chaos is either over or on the works. Remain strong for your Fiance. He is probably feeling really bad right now, concerned about his father, his family, you and the wedding. Please keep us updated.
Post # 11
@GeorgiaLadyinTexas It sounds like there’s a lot up in the air and there are always 2 sides to every story. Be there for your Fiance right now and be as supportive as possible. As a child of a major alcoholic I know how it can be when you decide to forgive someone and they disappoint you again, it’s a really hard thing to go through and there’s a lot of emotion there. I think who ever made the comment about just because your FI’s dad is having problems isn’t a reflection on who your Fiance is, is right on the money! You’re marrying him not his father. Hopefully if you choose to tell your parents they’ll be as supportive as you seem to be of your Fiance. You don’t have to have an all out rehearsal dinner go basic and simple and if you have to put off the honeymoon or scale down and go someplace closer then it is what it is. You two are getting married, focus on that and it will get you through. Good luck and as frustrating as it is going to be try and be patient.
Post # 12
Oh, my goodness! I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I think, though, that you should really tell someone in your family. You need the support from someone from your side of the family, and they will probably find out, anyway. Can you talk to your mother about it? It will suck that this may negatively influence their opinion of your hubby-to-be, but it can help if you emphasize how DIFFERENT your man is from his father. It may not reflect well on his father for them, but it’s your guy that they really need to love, right? You can get through this! Just make sure you have a support system there with you! It’s so important! Take care.
Post # 13
P.S. Maybe you should not have ANY alcohol at the reception, to try to avoid any problems there. Also, if your man’s father has a drinking problem, it could get worse if he feels any stress. You may want to count on him for a lot less money because if he gets stressed out about it, it may make it even harder to cope with his problems.
P.P.S. I know this may not be the most welcome idea, but have you thought about postponing? You could tell people “out of the loop” something trivial as a reason– problems with the reception venue, etc. Maybe if you postponed, you could save up more money to pay for the wedding more on your own, and also it might make it less likely that the incident would upstage YOU on YOUR day. Who knows how long it will take for this thing to go to trial… and how much money your fiance’s father will have to pay for court costs, a lawyer…?
Post # 14
My mom is mentally ill and my dad is an ongoing drug user and has been in an out of jail most of his life. Something that amazes me about my fiancee is that he is able to look past all of that and realize that my family does not define me. We both also realize that every family has their set of problems – some more public than others – but they’re there in each and every one of them. While my mom and dad are family and will always be a part of my life, I have chosen to not follow their patterns/lifestyle and therefore shouldn’t be judged on their actions.
If at all possible, please try to support your fiancee through this tough time. And, while it might seem stressful now, you guys will get through this, both money and relationship-wise. As others suggested, hopefully you can cut back on the rehearsal dinner and other areas. And, if desperate, is it an option to charge the rest to a credit card and deal with it when you get back? It’s never good, of course, to rack up a balance like that, but due to the circumstances and assuming that it’s not a tremendous amount I think it’s completely acceptable.