Post # 1
…by my mom.
This is going to be a bit long and cathartic I think so bear with me! The hive and my annonymous username are all I’ve got to go on right now 😛
In my last post, I talked about getting married and finding a new officiant, blah blah blah. Well, my husband and I decided to tell our close family members. We told his sister and brother-in-law and my parents. No one else. The people that we have told have agreed to keep our secret, though I wonder how long that will last considering that we now legally have the same last name and it’s on all of our documentation. Anyway.
My mom was disappointed that she wasn’t there, but she understood. My dad on the other hand was delighted. He’s a very practical man so he paid me a great compliment by saying “I like the way you two are working together and planning.” It was sweet 🙂 He and my husband (I can’t really say it out loud, so I have to love typing it!) sat down to talk (which consisted of dad continuing to compliment us) and I followed my mom into her bedroom where she was cleaning out her closet. I looked at her, she looked at me, I told her I was sorry and burst into tears. I mean, I full on sobbed. She cradled me and told me everything was okay and not to feel sad because she understood. She really is a neat lady.
Flash forward and we got in a tiff that really pissed us both off and we haven’t talked since, at least not the way we did before. We typically email a lot and always end our emails with Love you! …I emailed her the other day to get advice on shoes and the ice coming off the monitor gave me frostbite.
Neither of us have apologized. I suppose I should but – I’m not kidding – she really flew off the handle at me and was really dismissive of my feelings which hurt. I think this is coming from me realizing why the part of me that walks on eggshells is the way it is, and her realizing that I’m not her baby anymore. It’s such a huge transition and the fact that we’re not telling anyone is probably not helping. She probably feels so shut out of my life. I just don’t know what to do. I’m being too proud, I know that much but dang it! She really hurt me and I guess I feel like as a married woman I shouldn’t have to put up with it.
Such an odd change in dynamic and I seriously don’t know what to do about it. I can put it out in the open but I really can’t seem to make myself talk to her. It’s really weird.
Has anyone else experienced this?
Post # 3
I’d give yourself more time and try writing letters (that you never send–burn them) to your mom about it. Talking about it more is going to make you more confident when you get the courage to talk to her about this and put it all behind you.
Post # 4
@ LaborofLove: Aw man, if only courage was my problem. I don’t know, though maybe I am being cowardly.
…maybe that’s it. Another stage of growing up and I feel like I should be on the same level as my MOM. Yet when she yelled at me she made me feel like a kid. No bueno.
Post # 5
(((HUGS))) Sorry you’re going through this. It sounds hard. Other than that, I’m not sure what to say. It sounds like the pains of growing up for both of you.
Post # 6
Oh hun! Ive always walked on egg shells with my mom too. Sometimes it feels as though she hates me when I know its the exact opposite. You and your mother both need time to adjust. Not apologizing doesnt mean your a bad person or your cowardly. It means you believe in what you stand for so strong that your not going to budge. And if your not budging then obviously this is very important to you, so your not doing anything out of spite.
Im sure your mother knows why you did things the way you did. As a mother myself we think our children need us forever. We think there will always been somethng to teach them. Then when we do such a good job at raising them and they turn into the woman we always dreamed of being ourselves we feel left in the dark. My child isnt no where near grown yet but Im dreading and so excited for the day I let him go.
Just keep small talking with your mom. Shes kinda grieving right now if you know what I mean. And your just realizing your potential as your adult self. Both of your circumstances and leave salt in the wound. Let her know in some way you still need her. Like asking for her oppinion on shoes 😉 She just wants to feel needed from her all grown up little girl. Good luck girly!
Post # 7
@ Kare: Thank you so, so much. I really needed to hear…um, read….that. It really helped 🙂
Post # 8
Hang in there fabulouslyannonymous. I feel like each month that goes by until my wedding leads into another transition phase with my mother. I also have that walk on eggshells feeling (want to please and be approved of by my mother). I know she loves me very much but it has been very hard and sometimes hurtful during my wedding process. It was just last month that she finally seemed excited and wanted to assist me in the planning process (and were only 4 months away from my wedding!:) I am the oldest child though and I think for my mother (and my littl sister actually) it is grieving like (Kare7213 said) that things are changing in your life and even though Ive lived on my own for 5 years now I am no longer a baby but an adult and things will be a little bit different. However, I know how you feel because I have felt very alone (other than my Maid/Matron of Honor and fiance) with the wedding planning which really has hurt. I did give her a few months to just process and I told her that she was “missing it all” and that I wanted and needed her help with the wedding and I think that has helped.
Good luck and hang in there!