Post # 1
My husband just opened his own auto repair shop 10 months ago and it is doing better than either of us had anticipated. I am so proud of him for all of the hard work he does! He really is a great guy.
But he works 7 days a week 12-14 hours a day. I never see him. Once we came back from our Honeymoon we have hardley spent ANY time together at all. I realize that he has work to do, but I can’t help but feel that he could tell these people they won’t get their cars back until Monday so he can spend at least ONE entire day with me. I may sound selfish but I just really miss him.
Our sex life has been suffering too. Majorly. We have had sex maybe 3 times since we got back from our honeymoon. That just doesn’t seem right to me. We are newly married for goodness sake! But he comes home, eats and falls right asleep because he works so hard. I’m starting to feel very bitter and I mean, I’m a healthy woman! I have my needs too!
I want to talk to him about this so bad but what can I really say? I don’t work very often because I’m trying to finish my degree and he doesn’t want me to work. But I would rather work a full time job and get to spend some time with him rather than how we are now. I just don’t know how to approach the subject because I don’t want him to feel that I don’t appreciate all he does for me.
I have been really thinking if I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I feel like I just live on my own except for the fact I do his laundry and clean up after him. That’s all this marriage is. It’s so sad and so unlike what I imagined it would be.
I’m just really lonely. I have all of my family within 5 minutes but days like today when it’s really cold and rainy, I don’t want to go anywhere.
Sorry for all this rambling. I just needed to get this off of my chest. Any of you bees in a similar situation? How do you deal with it?
Post # 3
I would sit him down and talk to him about his work / life balance. I think with the stress of opening a new business, your husband may not notice or think that you understand why his time is tied up. Communicating with your husband is key.
Say something like this :
I am so proud of you and you opening your shop, it is an amazing accomplishment. But I really miss us. I miss spending time with you. What can I do to help you make the time for us ?
Post # 4
I suggest reading the book “Boundaries in Marriage.” It’s incredible and will help with communicating your need to see him more, in a non-threatening, but firm and effective way. Seriously READ this book. SOOOO good!
Post # 5
Since it is his business can you encourage him to hire additional help? Or since you don’t have a 9-5 can you help him out at the business? Maybe you could answer the phone or schedule the appointments, file paperwork for a couple hours (surely you have some skill that can be helpful to him!). Or drop by for lunch during the day. Then at least you would see him in person and awake.
I’m on the other side of this and it is so much worse for me when my husband isn’t supportive or even nice when I do get home. I work so much because I need to for my job and I would much rather be home. I understand that it is hard on him when I don’t get home until 2 am but I didn’t hear any complaints when all my hard work took him to Hawaii for free. Your husband is probably frustrated too and misses you as well. I think that one of the biggest things you can do to help is be supportive of him, offer him a back rub or cook him a nice meal (I’m sure you already do). I wouldn’t anticipate that my husband would put up with this forever though. Hopefully one of the two things above will work out.
Post # 6
Do you think it will always be this way? Starting up a business is hard (which I know you understand) but perhaps in a few months, he will hire another staff member and things will calm down. You should talk to him in a non-threatening way like a PP suggested. Remind him that you are both on the same side and that you should work together to make your marriage better.
Post # 7
I would talk to him. I Agree that you should offer to help out at the shop. You can schedule repairs and make sure he gets more free time. Maybe he just needs help with scheduling appointments. Does he have staff yet? I know it is probably hard now, things will get better though. Maybe you could plan a lunch date a couple times per week. Tell him how you feel, but make sure your aknowledge his hard work. Good luck!
Post # 8
A temporary quick fix is that you can go visit him at the shop often. Bring him lunch, bring your books and study there? You can also help out at his shop.
Post # 9
I just wanted to add to what the other posters said by saying that he might just be trying to make a great first impression so that he can gain repeat business. I’ve never opened my own busisness but I know that the first job I got in the field I love consumed my life. I slowed down after the first year but I wanted to make sure that everyone knew I was serious about my job and that I made a good first impression. He might just need sometime to settle in to a routine with his job? I definitely agree with @karineh about how to approach talking to him. Good luck!! 🙂
Post # 10
Thank you all for your replies! I really appreciate them all!
When I’m not working or in class, we usually get lunch together. I’ll drive up to the shop which is like 7 minutes away from where we live and we go to get pizza or something. It is nice to see him then but it’s still not quality alone time.
He does have a staff, he was able to hire a couple of guys which is awesome and it really helps with his workload, but he is still overworked. He only has 2 bays and the third bay is used for tires so they can usually only work on 2 cars at a time and if they are REALLY busy and the weather is decent they work on them in the parking lot since it’s huge.
I know I sound selfish but I really just miss him. I miss him being around. And when he does get home, I usually cook him dinner and rub his feet because he is flat footed and his poor feet always hurt in boots. Then he falls asleep and I work on more homework.
I am hoping it isn’t like this forever. He was a teacher but could not find a job so he opened his own business which he really excells at. He wants to get back into teaching and hire a manager and just pop in to see how it’s going but my husband is a huge perfectionist so I don’t see this happening anytime soon.
And I used to help him out at the shop, all summer actually. But then he got so busy and hired guys and it’s a bit cramped in there. I wouldn’t be able to do any work in there because there isn’t a ton of desk space and most of my work is projects anyways so that’s sort of out.
And I used to just kind of pop in whenever I missed him but it always seemed to be at the worst times so I’ve stopped because I always felt like it stressed him out even more.
Hopefully, we can get through this and hopefully it won’t be like this forever.
Post # 11
@SimpleGifts: That is exactly what he’s doing. I know he’s just trying to make a great name for himself, but it still sucks. I understand why he’s doing it but I also don’t think he knows how much it bothers me. I need to talk to him but I don’t want to add anymore stress to him.
Post # 12
@JemmyGee: I wish you luck! Hopefully after you communicate with him about how much it bothers you, you’ll be able to work out some sort of compromise. Maybe you can find an evening or two that is ‘sacred’? For example, maybe no matter what, on Friday you both drop everything and have dinner and a movie or something else, kind of like a date night? That might help you get more time with him without adding too much extra stress since he can plan ahead to take that time away from work? That’s worked really well for us in the past. 🙂
Post # 13
@SimpleGifts: I love that idea! Knowing my husband though, he will pull the “just this one time I have to work” card. And it will fall into the same pattern. He’s very driven and very determined which is amazing and it’s one of the reasons I love him so much. But it isn’t easy being married to someone like that haha
Post # 14
I think starting a successful business takes ALOT of time in the frist year or two. I was talking to a woman a couple weeks ago who opened a wholesale nursery (plants) this year and both her and her husband were working 100 hours a week or something insane like that. Fortunately for them, they got to work together at least. Its a sign that business is good, but because costs are so high, and the business isnt well enough established in the first year most people hold off on hiring staff until the business settles into itself.
I want to start my own business in the next few years, and one thing I love about my husband is that I know he‘ll be suppportive and patient in the first few years even though I wont be able to return the favour. It sounds like you have been very supportive of your husband, but maybe youre not feeling appreciated for the suport you give him and keeping your household together. Its awful timing too that this all happened right after the wedding… I would be wondering what I had gotten myself into.
I think it may help to tell him you miss him and ask him to take a day or half a day off to be with you. Also ask when he plans to hire staff to share the work load with…. make sure youre both on the same page that this situation is bad for your homelife and needs to be resolved as soon as his shop could handle him taking time off without hurting business.
Goodluck and feel free to disregard my advice if I completely missed the point 🙂
Post # 15
@JemmyGee: could you go to his work to study & maybe help out ie phones & spend more time together until the business gets up & running?
Post # 16
@WilfredAllen: He has already hired 2 guys. He just does not ave enough bays or lifts.
@traveller: He has literally zero desk space and all of my projects are huge, elaborate projects and it’s kind of dirty and loud in there making it almost imnpossible to get anything done. It just stinks all around.
I know he can’t help it and I am so proud of him and I love that he loves what he does, but I just miss US.