Post # 1
I’ve been engaged to my boyfriend of 9 years for about a year now. Our wedding is in 2 months and all has been going well with the wedding planning, except that I just recently found out that he’s addicted to OxyContin . We got into a serious car accident about 3 years ago and the doctors put him on Vicodin to deal with the pain of his injuries. He had been on and off them for a while, which I knew about, but over the past year or so he’s apparently gotten addicted and has moved onto OxyContin. He’s finally admitted it to his family as well as mine, and went to rehab about 2 months ago. He came out clean and with a positive attitude towards staying clean. But he’s slowly stopped going to outpatient treatment and is now back on OxyContin again. He says he relapsed a few times and that it’s not bad, but we have a feeling it’s worse than he’s admitting. He went out to his parents’ vacation home for the weekend to detox, and says that he wants to see an addiction psychiatrist to help him. I love him and made my decision to marry him and stay committed to him, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. However, his mother is pushing us to call off the wedding immediately. I know that ideally this is not the best time to be getting married, but we’ve put so much into the wedding already that pulling out right now would hurt us financially so terribly that it would take a few years to recover from that in addition to the addiction recovery as well. I’m trying to look at the whole picture: we want to be married. We love each other. The addiction is horrible and I hate what it’s doing to him and our relationship, and I want him to be healthy again. If we call off the wedding right now and postpone it until after he’s recovered (if he’s able to recover), we’ll lose a lot of money which will add more stress to our already stressful situation. I understand he may struggle with this for years to come, but whether we’re married or not, I would like to be there with him through this, because I know this is something he didn’t do on purpose and I know he’s trying (albeit unsuccessfully at the moment) to recover from it. I’m torn though, because I don’t know if what my heart is telling me is the right decision. If we call off the wedding, we’ll be in so much debt it will hurt us for a long time, not to mention all the money our family members already spent and will also lose, when ultimately we still want to get married. If we don’t call off the wedding, will it hurt his ability to recover, as his mom seems to think? Should I even stay in this relationship at all? I couldn’t imagine living my life without him but after going to the rehab center and sitting in on NarAnon meetings, it’s my understanding that once an addict, always an addict, and the chances of him dragging me down with him is high. I love him and don’t want to turn my back on him because of selfishness, but is that the smart thing to do? I’m so lost I don’t know what to do anymore.
Post # 3
Please please please put off this wedding. As my mother and one of my good friends will tell you, being married to a drug addict is so much more draining financially compared to anything you can imagine. The debt you will be in for calling off the wedding CAN NOT compare.
Addiction CHANGES people. If you marry him, he’s not going to be the same person you committed to for better or for worse. Once they get to a certain point, there’s no going back.
Now, I’m not saying there’s no chance for him. I know a few people who are doing well in recovery and I’m really proud of them. But I’m BEGGING you to put off the wedding until he gets better.
FM me if you want specifics.
Post # 4
Can you just postpone the wedding and help him get through this? Your vendors may let you just pick a later date (even like a year from now) and keep all your deposits. I agree that you should focus on his health and recovery, but if he’s willing to get help I don’t think you need to leave him yet.
Post # 5
@MrsB7413: I think this is something you and Fiance should decide with a professional. Maybe having him see an addiction psychiatrist and a couple therapist will help him and you make a decision on the postponement, which I think is the best idea. But dont forget about your own mental and physical health in all of this too. I think a professional will be the best way to help but starting a marriage before he is clean is going to be tough on each of you. Finacially and mentally it will be hard to cope during this process of getting and keeping him clean. My parents married while my father was an alcoholic and it has taken him almost 35 years of marriage to come back to the complete man he was when he met my mother. Im not saying it was a tramatic experience but my mother does regret it as they struggled but they are much better now she just wishes that it didnt take this long to get to the point of complete happiness. Even though she does trust him now he is not allowed to make financial decisions because he is still bad with impulses for items and cant control urges. He does have a very addicitive personality so he does shift between minor addictions at times like gambling and such which we have to break him of
Post # 6
@MrsB7413: I think you need to call of this wedding. I started abusing OxyContin and ended up a heroin addict. It is only through the grace of god that I am alive and sober today. I spent many, many years destroying my life and the lives of those who love me. He needs to focus ALL of his energy onto recovery, and planning for/ getting married is going to get in the way of that. It’s a HUGE red flag that he has relapsed as soon as he got out of rehab, and I can pretty much guarantee you that it is much worse than he says it is. Addicts are liars. He will do and say whatever he has to to be able to keep using. Bc the drug is his true love. It’s harsh to say that, but it is his #1 priority, not you, and it will be until he’s off it. As an addict you can have no REAL relationships outside of the relationship you have with ‘your’ drug. Your world revolves around it and it alone.
Post # 7
I would postpone.
He’s going to need alot of help, and it’s going to be tough on both of you – there’s no way he will get the attention he needs whiel you plan the wedding.
And if he refuses to get help, or he won’t stay off the drugs, then you’ll need to decide if that’s something you can live with.
For me, drugs are a dealbreaker. If I found out my fi was on prescription drugs, or any other drugs for that matter – I would do my best to try to help him, but if he wouldn’t stop, it would be over. I don’t do drugs, I certainly don’t want someone I’m married to on them.
Post # 8
@MrsB7413: my younger brother is a heroin addict. I live about an hour away from my family so I don’t hear as much about his addiction and treatment but what I do hear is sad and scary. Addiction changes people. My brother has become an expert at lying and manipulating those few people still left around him that are trying to get him help. Please seriously consider postponing the wedding. It sounds like even your parents who gave you money for it are ok with losing it. It will be hard to lose all that money but marrying a drug addict will be infinitely harder. Please see a therapist for yourself and get his/her opinion. Get advice from your FI’s rehab counsellors.
Post # 9
@Bubbles42: This is really excellent advice.
OP, if he relapses repeatedly, can’t hold down a job, spends rent money on drugs…the sunk cost of the wedding won’t even begin to compare to what you could be facing. Never, ever, EVER go through with a wedding because you’ve already spent money on it. And frankly if calling off the wedding is going to wreak that much havoc on your finances, you’re already spending way too much even if you did go through with it. It would be so much wiser to negotiate with your vendors and postpone or only lose your deposits than to spend any more money at this point.
Post # 10
Do you really want to marry him in the middle of a relapse? To me the knowledge that he was still on Oxycontin as you were saying your vows would muddy the day. I think that postponing until he’s got a more solid handle on his sobriety is worth it. Have you talked to his family and yours about maybe helping you recoup some of the money?
Post # 11
forget about the money – in the long run it will be inconsequential. who cares about losing deposits when the situation is this dire!
the money you will lose on deposits is nothing, not even a drop, to what will fly out the window on drugs etc. not to mention, the money that is being put toward the wedding could be put toward rehab, addiction counseling etc. that’s the priority here, not getting married!
in addition – at the moment, you’re likely not liable for his financial dealings. if he runs up a ton of credit etc you are (likely – because i don’t know your state etc) not responsible for that. that may change if you get married. he could run up a huge debt, and you will be stuck with it.
on top of all that – it doesn’t seem like he’s ready to be honest about his problem. he’s downplaying it, saying ‘it’s not that bad’ – uh no, actually it IS that bad, because he’s addicted to oxycontin and relapsed. it’s not like he’s saying ‘i’ve done a bad thing, i need help, my plan is meetings/sponsor/apply to a program’ – he’s denying the extent of the issue and trying to fool people. you admit that you don’t trust his account of what’s going on.
postpone if you can, cancel if you can’t – this is not the time to get married.
Post # 12
Please please postpone. My oldest brother is a drug addict. He’s in his 50’s and has a child and a wife. He’s been using since he was 16, we haven’t talked to him in 10years. He has sucked the bank accounts DRY of my grandmother and great aunt. They both passed away with nothing because of him. Once you take him on in marriage his debt becomes yours and it’s hard to get away from that.
I also have a neice that’s a heroin addict, she was engaged and has two beautiful children. She relapsed three years ago, and everything fell apart. She took off, and we don’t know where she is.
I know you want to be there for him, but have you gone to any meetings for family members? Or talked to a counselor for yourself? I think if you’re posting in this forum with this topic, you really are looking for help and answers.
Post # 13
@MrsB7413: Put it off, Your life will be hell if you marry him.
Post # 14
You know what, love does not a marriage make. It is so much more than that. I won’t name names but there is some poor girl on here who talks non stop about how her fiance is in jail, he was on probation and then he violated it and he’s in jail, but he’s a good guy and she loves him blablabla.
What she doesn’t know is that in 20 years she is going to wish she had put value on other things, like having a spouse with the ability to get a good job. A person with a sense of responsibility. A person who can be trusted with total confidence to raise children with. Someone who isn’t a “fixer upper” project. Because life is tough enough, marriage is tough enough, without insurmountable hurdles in the way.
There is a reason recovering alcoholics and drug addicts are advised NOT to enter serious relationships until they are physically and mentally recovered.
Post # 15
I’m sure most drug addicts don’t start out intending to be drug addicts. That doesn’t affect how they end, though.
Post # 16
I’m a little confused by some of your thought processes. You talk repeatedly of the debt that canceling or postponing the wedding would put you in. You talk of it as the main reason for going through with the wedding. Would you not be in just as much debt or more, if you go through with it? I think adding the financial stress of a wedding is just ludicrous considering everything that is going on with him right now. Canceling would save money. There is no way that canceling would cost more than going through with it so I really don’t understand why you are pushing for continuing as being the somehow less-stressful option.
Also, by your account, he was under the influence of his addiction when he proposd to you. That would be a huge negative for me. He wasn’t in his right mind when he asked you to marry him. I’m sorry that you’ve waited so incredibly long for a proposal but is this really the circumstances you want to accept under?? I just don’t really see any satisfaction in knowing that my long-term boyfriend didn’t propose or marry me until he was deep in the throes of addiction. And I strongly feel that there is an element to *taking advantage* of him by going along with him doing it at this time.
And as someone else stated, recovering addicts are heavily cautioned against making major life decisions for the first year of recovery. It seems prudent and logical to postpone or cancel your wedding until he has been clean for one year. And, again, there is something slightly distasteful about pushing to continue when there is no sound reason for doing so but plenty of reasons not to. I’m sorry but this smacks of *I’m thisclose to finally getting what I want and I’ll be damned if I let this prevent me from getting it*. As far as I’m concerned, the bigger part of *in sickness and in health* means you look out for him when he is in sickness. You’re supposed to have his back here, not use his weakness as an opportunity to fulfill your own needs or wants. You have no business pushing someone to sign a lifetime contract when you know for a fact that he isn’t in his right mind.