- 4 years ago
Hi Bees, I’m going anon on this one.
A few years ago I was in a serious relationship with a guy I loved A LOT. Our relationship was faaaar from perfect and to be honest, back when I was with him, I was kind of half a person. This guy was really selfish, closed off emotionally, and really never valued me as a partner. It’s weird how much I loved him when I really didn’t love myself. In retrospect the relationship was destined for failure. I was so bent on pleasing him, that for a while I let myself think that his needs were more important than mine. I think that may have been one of the only things we had in common.
He wound up leaving me for a married woman. It was brutal and I was pretty much a wreck for a long time. I got counseling and started to piece my life back together. I’m a really sensitive person when it comes to love. I’ve had my heart broken three times, all in the same way- I have been left for another woman, of whom they wind up marrying, THREE TIMES IN A ROW. I joke that I’m my FI’s good luck charm because the women of his dreams is right around the corner. The first time, I was heart broken, but I moved on. The second time, I was furious, cried for a day, and moved on. The third time I was absolutely destroyed.
It took psychiatry, antidepressants, a drastic move to a city where I knew no one, eliminating half my friends that were connected to him in any way, quitting my job, falling off social media, and a gazillion different men to get over him. I pretty much changed my entire life just to feel like I could control it again. I remember the first time I cooked with mushrooms, one of my favorite ingredients, and realized it had been YEARS because he didn’t like them, so I never made them.
It has been four years since my last heart ache. I’m engaged to a wonderful man. He loves me and I love him. He’s kind and honorable and generous. He is a good man; I can’t wait for children because he is going to be an amazing father who raises some wonderful people.
Except…… I can’t stop thinking about my ex. Not in a way that I miss him, but I can’t shake the hurt and pain. I think about this man all the time, but not in a good way. My mind CONSTANTLY wanders to the time, four years ago, that he ripped my heart out. I have dreamt about him three nights in a row and the dreams are all the same- I try to convince him that what he is doing is wrong and beg him to just love me and he won’t- he’s cold and angry and volatile, just like in real life.
The WORST PART is that yesterday I was on Facebook and stumbled across a picture of him that another aquaintance was tagged in. It was with a group of his friends that I had been close with and used to vacation with all the time. They loved me too, and when we broke up the guys were so bummed and trying to convince him to change his mind and the girls and I cried together. We were always supposed to be the “next couple in line” until he found the real love of his life. So of course I binged-ate cookies and facebook-stalked him like a weirdo for HOURS AND HOURS and then had another nightmare.
I obviously haven’t and won’t say anything to Fiance about this. The pain I still have from this break-up is the only thing I keep from him. I don’t even know how I would begin to share this stuff with him and honestly, I’m ashamed to admit it to myself. I am wasting so much time dwelling on the past, but I don’t know how to stop it. It has been FOUR YEARS since we broke up. He hates me for making our split extremely difficult. I HATE him for breaking my heart in a way that I don’t think, even at my happinest, will ever be whole. I feel so angry with him still for making me feel like I can never love safely again. Sometimes it just feels so hard and I just want to feel nothing. I was so sad for so long that there are still days where it doesn’t feel normal to be happy in a relationship.
I’m a nice person, but in my darkest moments I find myself wishing the universe would do horrible things to him and then I get frightened because you know, karma. I feel like I’m wasting all this time and energy on just ugliness and sadness. How do I stop? How do I take this edge off????