I'm not a bridesmaid but am expected to plan hen party.

posted 6 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
2216 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Sorry, Charlie, no one is entitled to a hen do. And while I can understand being disappointed in not getting one, actively scolding your friend is so far out of line. She sounds incredibly entitled and self absorbed.


I’d just write that you didn’t feel it was right to plan the party, and you didn’t want to step on any of her bridal party members’ toes, and unfortunately now you are unable to throw anything together due to your own obligations. If she wants to sulk, let her. She’s way out of line.


ETA: had she approached it with you differently, that she realized her bridesmaids were all busy but she was super  bummed out to not even get a small get together organized, I might advise you to try and pull something small off, like a night out at a local bar with a few party favors or something (that’s what a hen do is, right?). Or, at least dinner, where if you could swing it, maybe pick up her tab. But her telling you she’s upset with you because you should have taken the lead because you’re organized? She can kick rocks.

Post # 3
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

You aren’t being unreasonable at all.  I would be offended to not be chosen as a bridesmaid and then be asked to throw a party in her honor.  Nope, that isn’t how it works.  Parties are offered to be thrown in one’s honor. 

Post # 4
6532 posts
Bee Keeper

So you’re good enough to organize a party for her but not close enough to be a bridesmaid? And she just assumed you’d take the lead? 

If you consider her a good friend and WANT to plan this party for her go ahead. But if you don’t want to just don’t. Don’t allow her to guilt you into doing this. You can respond that you hope she’ll let you know if someone pulls something together. 


Post # 5
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

gypsymermaid :  Nobody is obligated to plan a bachelorette,  bridesmaid or otherwise.  I wouldn’t reward your friend-s entitled behavior by offering to plan her bachelorette.  

Post # 6
25 posts
  • Wedding: August 2020 - City, State

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I would respond that it’s the bridal party’s responsibility to plan and host he hen do so the thought never crossed my mind to plan anything as I’m not in the bridal party. 

Post # 7
1058 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

I would reply with, “ah, that’s too bad that you bridesmaids haven’t planned anything for you.  :(”  But, I would not step up and offer.  

Also, I would stop offering to help with things.  I also wouldn’t have said her bridesmaids needed a kick in the arse.  Maybe they don’t have the time or the funds to plan something.  She will live without a party.  

Post # 8
2826 posts
Sugar bee

Totally not your problem. I would just say that you’re sorry your bridesmaids aren’t stepping up, but that you hadn’t really budgeted the time etc. to plan it because it’s something that the bridesmaids do. 

That’s ridiculous that she would directly confront you about “not stepping up” because you’re the “organized one” when she didn’t make you a bridesmaid. She sounds like a brat. 

Post # 9
3907 posts
Honey bee

She’s a total taker with a wildly inflated sense of her own importance. People like this don’t make good friends unless you like to be taken advantage of. Tell her sorry, but no. If the friendship goes south consider yourself fortunate.

Post # 11
785 posts
Busy bee

Ugh the comment about the bridemaids being busy because they have kids would set me over the line! Just because you don’t have kids you’re incapable of being equally busy?

Nope. I’d say something like “I’m sorry you feel upset but since I’m not a bridesmaid (which is totally okay I understand) and planning wedding events is something the wedding party usually handles it really hadn’t crossed my mind to plan a hen do. Also, I know your bridemaids are probably busy with their babies but just because I don’t have children doesn’t mean I’m not also busy. Sorry I don’t have the budget/time to plan an impromptu event”

Post # 12
2749 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

gypsymermaid :  tell her to stick it. That’s on her bridesmaids. How entitled, nervy and self absorbed of her!

Post # 13
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Just reply to her and say,

“Bachelorette parties are planned and hosted by the bridal party, as I am not in the bridal party am not in the loop at all. I haven’t heard anything from them about one but hopefully you can reach out to them and see if they are going to put one together. 

Id start there and see what her response is. But also stop offering to help with things. That might be where this is getting confusing. I second other bees who said, your not good enough to be in the bridal party, then your not expected to plan or help with ANYTHING. You are a guest, who shows up the day of. Thats it. Do not let her take advantage of you. 


Post # 14
4680 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Tatum :  I’d just write that you didn’t feel it was right to plan the party, and you didn’t want to step on any of her bridal party members’ toes, and unfortunately now you are unable to throw anything together due to your own obligations. If she wants to sulk, let her. She’s way out of line. 

>> Brilliant reply.

Post # 15
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

buzzerbeater :  I like this response as well, but i just have to say I don’t think its going to be productive at all to try to explain how you are just as busy as someone else. Why? Because then your off topic. Any normal person knows that everyone is equally busy with their own lives, no one has to justify how they spend their time. If you start getting into the weeds here about how you are busy its just going to become an argument. NO means no. Just politely tell her no. This event is planned by the bridal party, which you aren’t in. Sorry you can’t help. IF she then pushes for an explaination further of why you can’t help you just repeat yourself. Sorry I can’t help, hopefully your bridesmaids will plan something. 

If your friend sees this situation as her hill to die on? Well than you are rid of a toxic friend. 

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