Post # 1
Previous post got marked as spam for some reason so posting again.
So I have a close friend, we’ve been friends since we were children and have gotten closer as we’ve been a bit older. She’s not my best friend and I’m not her best friend but we are close. When she was planning her wedding I thought it was 50/50 whether she would choose me to be bridesmaid or not, I really thought it depended on how many she decided to have.
Anyway she chose to have 3 adult bridesmaids, one friend who is outside of our friendship group that she met at uni and the other two who I also know and go to school with. I wasn’t upset at all to not be a bridesmaid, the girls she chose she’s probably closer with anyway. About a year ago I casually said let me know it there’s anything I can help with for the wedding and she took me up on the offer as I’m creative so I helped her make some centrepiece. I also mentioned a few months ago to the two bridesmaids that i know to let me know if they want any help with the hen do, I didn’t mean to help plan it as such I more meant if they need any help creatively to make hen party bags or fun favours. The bridesmaids didn’t mention anything to me about the planning so I assumed it was all under control, and to be honest I’ve been busy getting on with my own life and i have a really demanding job so her hen party was the last thing on my mind.
Today the bride (who is getting married early June) has messaged me saying nobody has planned her a hen do yet. I replied saying something along the lines of her bridesmaids need a kick up the arse. I completely assumed the purpose of starting the conversation was so she could have a moan about her lazy bridesmaids but she replied saying she was upset with everyone, all the girls in our friendship group and especially me as I’m usually the organised type. She also said she really hoped and sort of expected I would take the lead on organising since two of the Bridesmaids are so busy as one has 2 kids, one has a new born and the other one isn’t the organising type!
I haven’t replied to her yet as I’m a bit shocked and don’t know what to say. I completely sympathise with the two bridesmaids with young kiddies being too busy but I’m not psychic how would I know they aren’t planning it! Am I being unreasonable to think I’ve not been asked to be bridesmaid so why should I plan the hen party? I think if she’d asked me to plan the hen party a year ago without asking me to be bridesmaid I would of been a bit put out but probably would have gone along and done it anyway to be a good friend, but the fact nobody has mentioned it to me and now she’s upset I didn’t plan it.
Currently deciding whether to reply with a polite message offering to quickly plan a last minute hen do for April/May.
Or whether to tell her where to stick it haha
Post # 2
Sorry, Charlie, no one is entitled to a hen do. And while I can understand being disappointed in not getting one, actively scolding your friend is so far out of line. She sounds incredibly entitled and self absorbed.
I’d just write that you didn’t feel it was right to plan the party, and you didn’t want to step on any of her bridal party members’ toes, and unfortunately now you are unable to throw anything together due to your own obligations. If she wants to sulk, let her. She’s way out of line.
ETA: had she approached it with you differently, that she realized her bridesmaids were all busy but she was super bummed out to not even get a small get together organized, I might advise you to try and pull something small off, like a night out at a local bar with a few party favors or something (that’s what a hen do is, right?). Or, at least dinner, where if you could swing it, maybe pick up her tab. But her telling you she’s upset with you because you should have taken the lead because you’re organized? She can kick rocks.
Post # 3
You aren’t being unreasonable at all. I would be offended to not be chosen as a bridesmaid and then be asked to throw a party in her honor. Nope, that isn’t how it works. Parties are offered to be thrown in one’s honor.
Post # 4
So you’re good enough to organize a party for her but not close enough to be a bridesmaid? And she just assumed you’d take the lead?
If you consider her a good friend and WANT to plan this party for her go ahead. But if you don’t want to just don’t. Don’t allow her to guilt you into doing this. You can respond that you hope she’ll let you know if someone pulls something together.
Post # 5
gypsymermaid : Nobody is obligated to plan a bachelorette, bridesmaid or otherwise. I wouldn’t reward your friend-s entitled behavior by offering to plan her bachelorette.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2020 - City, State
You are definitely not being unreasonable. I would respond that it’s the bridal party’s responsibility to plan and host he hen do so the thought never crossed my mind to plan anything as I’m not in the bridal party.
Post # 7
I would reply with, “ah, that’s too bad that you bridesmaids haven’t planned anything for you. :(” But, I would not step up and offer.
Also, I would stop offering to help with things. I also wouldn’t have said her bridesmaids needed a kick in the arse. Maybe they don’t have the time or the funds to plan something. She will live without a party.
Post # 8
Totally not your problem. I would just say that you’re sorry your bridesmaids aren’t stepping up, but that you hadn’t really budgeted the time etc. to plan it because it’s something that the bridesmaids do.
That’s ridiculous that she would directly confront you about “not stepping up” because you’re the “organized one” when she didn’t make you a bridesmaid. She sounds like a brat.
Post # 9
She’s a total taker with a wildly inflated sense of her own importance. People like this don’t make good friends unless you like to be taken advantage of. Tell her sorry, but no. If the friendship goes south consider yourself fortunate.
Post # 11
Ugh the comment about the bridemaids being busy because they have kids would set me over the line! Just because you don’t have kids you’re incapable of being equally busy?
Nope. I’d say something like “I’m sorry you feel upset but since I’m not a bridesmaid (which is totally okay I understand) and planning wedding events is something the wedding party usually handles it really hadn’t crossed my mind to plan a hen do. Also, I know your bridemaids are probably busy with their babies but just because I don’t have children doesn’t mean I’m not also busy. Sorry I don’t have the budget/time to plan an impromptu event”
Post # 12
gypsymermaid : tell her to stick it. That’s on her bridesmaids. How entitled, nervy and self absorbed of her!
Post # 13
Just reply to her and say,
“Bachelorette parties are planned and hosted by the bridal party, as I am not in the bridal party am not in the loop at all. I haven’t heard anything from them about one but hopefully you can reach out to them and see if they are going to put one together.
Id start there and see what her response is. But also stop offering to help with things. That might be where this is getting confusing. I second other bees who said, your not good enough to be in the bridal party, then your not expected to plan or help with ANYTHING. You are a guest, who shows up the day of. Thats it. Do not let her take advantage of you.
Post # 14
Tatum : I’d just write that you didn’t feel it was right to plan the party, and you didn’t want to step on any of her bridal party members’ toes, and unfortunately now you are unable to throw anything together due to your own obligations. If she wants to sulk, let her. She’s way out of line.
>> Brilliant reply.
Post # 15
buzzerbeater : I like this response as well, but i just have to say I don’t think its going to be productive at all to try to explain how you are just as busy as someone else. Why? Because then your off topic. Any normal person knows that everyone is equally busy with their own lives, no one has to justify how they spend their time. If you start getting into the weeds here about how you are busy its just going to become an argument. NO means no. Just politely tell her no. This event is planned by the bridal party, which you aren’t in. Sorry you can’t help. IF she then pushes for an explaination further of why you can’t help you just repeat yourself. Sorry I can’t help, hopefully your bridesmaids will plan something.
If your friend sees this situation as her hill to die on? Well than you are rid of a toxic friend.