I'm not a bridesmaid but am expected to plan hen party.

posted 6 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Yeah, I’d leave that comment on “read”.  If you have to explain to someone that they can’t demand a hen party from people they haven’t asked to be a bridesmaid, nothing you text will get her head out of her ass.

If you must respond, I’d say something like “Yes, I’m pretty organized- but you picked different people to be your bridesmaids. I figured they’d be responsible for typical bridesmaid responsibilities, including planning your hen do.”

Post # 17
Member
2199 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

gypsymermaid :  All pre-wedding events – showers, bachelor/ette, ect – are held AT THE DISCRETION OF THE OFFERING HOST. Not dictated by the bride, her mother, their cousins, or anyone else whatsoever. It’s inappopriate to expect any of these events, and in incredibly bad taste to complain to someone they haven’t psychically known they should take up the task. 

I definitely would NOT respond to this by trying to throw something together. That rewards bad behavior, and tells her that in the future, if she wants something from you, whining and complaining is an effective way of getting it. 

Personally, I would inclined to just respond directly. 

“I’m sorry you’re disappointed. Typically, that is something someone in the bridal party would volunteer to do. I was happy to help with the decorations, but had no reason to think anything else was expected of me.”

It sounds like she might be being a bit Bridezilla-y at this point. It’s NEVER appropriate to TELL someone you are upset they didn’t offer to throw you a party. It’s incredibly petulant and rude. 

If this is out of character, it might be worth letting this slide and chalking it up to wedding season psychosis. Otherwise, you might want to reconsider just how good a friend she really is. 

Post # 18
Member
787 posts
Busy bee

ladyjane123 :  Well judging by OP’s friends comment she doesn’t know that everyone is equally busy with their own lives. It’s just a pet peeve of mine that I’ve seen on social media/heard several people IRL make comments about how moms are the busiest or no one is as tired as a mother or this person can’t do ____because they have kids but ____ could because they don’t and it annoys me. OP is obviosly free to say whatever she wants but yea I do think it’s productive to point out just because the bridesmaids have kids and OP doesn’t does not mean OP has more free time than them or more obligation to pick up their “slack.” 

Post # 20
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

buzzerbeater :  OH I agree with your point 100% more like 300000%. However in this situation I think the bride is hell bent on being difficult and no matter what the OP says to her, the bride is going to see everything as an opportunity to negotiate. Sure OP could remind the bride that she has her own busy life that is just as busy as her mom friends, but I don’t think the Bride is self aware enough to hear it. I agree with you though its bullshit when some people’s life choices are considered “acceptable” to be busy over and others arent. But in this case I think anything the OP says as a reason she can’t help is going to be seen as something the bride can argue against. 

Think the difference between saying, “That doesn’t work for me” and ” I can’t as I also have a lot going on with school and work.” The bride can’t argue against the first one, but she can argue that school is only 2 times a week, and the OP gets off work at 5 each day and has plenty of time. 

I think who we want people to be and the reality of who people are is two different things. Would be great if everyone was intuitive enough to hear someone’s no as a no. But people are often rude and ignore what they don’t want to hear. So its best to give a strong no without explanation and simply repeat your no until they get that they aren’t going to get away with pushing you. But again I totally agree with your basic argument, I just don’t think the bride is going to accept any excuse as a valid one whether its right or not. If the bride can’t understand she can’t ask someone to give her a party, i doubt she will understand the OP’s explanation of being as busy as the other friends. 

Post # 21
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh and I tend to agree that another great move would be to just leave that message on read and never respond. Not OP’s problem. 

Post # 22
Member
2217 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ladyjane123 :  Oh and I tend to agree that another great move would be to just leave that message on read and never respond. Not OP’s problem. 

 

Now that I think about it, that would be my recommendation too. Explaining that OP didn’t feel like that was her domain as a guest or that she no longer has time might validate the Bridezilla’s feelings that she was owed a hen do by someone, and that the OP owes her an explanation as to why she didn’t run with it.

Post # 23
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

“I’m sorry, I have a prior engagement for the night of the party – I’m attending an opera by a great Russian composer Peter Tough-Shitzky.”

Post # 24
Member
1923 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

gypsymermaid :  I’d respond with, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you wanted me to plan your hen do. Those parties are traditionally planned and attended by the bridal party. Now that we’re so close to your wedding, I’m unable to step in on your bridesmaids’ behalf to plan it. There’s still a chance that your bridemaids have something up their sleeves!”

Basically, repeatedly slam it home that you’re not a bridesmaid, so this is not your responsibility, and she never should have assumed it was. 

Post # 25
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

Me being the somewhat petty person that I am, would respond with a “K”

Does that mean I’ll step up and plan it? Does that mean “shove it?” Who knows! She can assume whatever she wants while I continue not giving a flying fuck.

Post # 26
Hostess
1528 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

She didn’t make you a bridesmaid but EXPECTED your and your uninvolved friends to plan her a goddamn hen do regardless of the fact that you are not involved with the wedding?

I would most certainly as chelbell23 :  put it, not give a flying fuck and tell her “k” because she doesn’t deserve much more time or effort than that. The entitlement knows no bounds. ugh.

Post # 27
Member
471 posts
Helper bee

I would tell her she can plan her own hen party if her bridesmaids won’t.  There’s no law that says she can’t, so if she really wants one, she can have one.

Post # 28
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

ladyjane123 :  lol… I’d be tempted to do that too because as my mum always says ‘you can’t reason with unreasonable people’ and OPs friend is being very unreasonable in her expectations. Having said that, my mum underestimates the satisfaction you get when you just choose say your piece to an unreasonable person and then choose to walk away after it. 😉

OP, I’d be polite but firm and say your piece. She probably won’t get it because anyone who demands a non bridal party member to pkwn an optional wedding event  isn’t reasonable but at least you’ve stood up for yourself and said your point. I’d text her back and ssy

Hey <insert bridezilla name here>, I’m not part of the bridal party and typically it is the domain of the bridal party to plan wedding events like the hens party. It was never communicated to me that you expected me to plan your hens do especially considering that I don’t hold an official role in the wedding. I’m quite miffed honestly that you feel upset at me about this, considering I have no traditional obligation to be part of the planning for this event. I suggest you have a discussion with your official bridesmaids about the status of the party as traditionally they are the ones who plan these type of optional pre-wedding events. I look forward to attending your hens (if one happens) but I don’t feel it is right for me as a non bridal party member to step in and plan one for you especially given how you now decided to approach this with me. 

Post # 29
Member
6097 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

If this is actually your friend (not just someone you are friendly with), then I think it’s worthwhile to respond and clarify things with her. It may be worth having a brief conversation on the phone with her where you tell her that you initially thought she was just reaching out because she wanted to share that she was disappointed about nothing being planned and then you can add the point that many of the PPs shared about “I wasn’t aware you were expecting me to plan anything since that’s usually something the bridal party would do. When I offered to help out, I meant in a casual or supporting way. Not a take the lead on executing something way.” would be good.

I think you should have a phone conversation with her (again- if she is actually a friend) so that you can hear the tone of one anothers’ voices and not have this escalate (because email and text can be very dry and tone is important in these kinds of discussions).

If she isn’t really your friend, just someone you have been friendly with but you could take her or leave her in your life, then I would ignore her message, leave it on “read” and be prepared for that relationship to potentially end.

Post # 30
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee

Bee, you might be TOO helpful. I’ve recently learned a lesson about this. I am the type of person to drop everything for a friend or family member. I have spent time and money and given unlimited support to people I care about. Guess how often that’s reciprocated? Guess how often it’s really even appreciated? I have learned that I need to stop caring and stop doing. My time is too precious for me to give it away anymore. 

She didn’t think you were close enough to be a bridesmaid, so you aren’t close enough to plan a hen do for her. The absolute nerve to EXPECT you to do that and to then SCOLD you is just so out there. Lots of bees have given you good scripts to respond to her with. Don’t bend over backwards and do this for her. She will be happy in the moment but she won’t respect you for it. 

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