I'm not a bridesmaid but am expected to plan hen party.

posted 6 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Perhaps don’t reply to her question and just ask why you weren’t a bridesmaid to begin with if she wanted you to do all this stuff? Doesn’t sound like a great friendship to me. Sorry bee! I just think you deserve to be treated better if you are the friend who is reliable! Looks like she takes you for granted.

Post # 32
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

Doesn’t matter how good at organizing you are.

Doesn’t matter how busy you are.

You are not in the bridal party.

You never offered to host any party for her.

No explanations to her are needed AT ALL.

 

Post # 33
Member
994 posts
Busy bee

“Not sure why you made such a lofty assumption about someone who isn’t in your bridal party planning any part of your wedding events. Sounds like your frustration is misdirected. Perhaps your bridesmaids could help you with that. Good luck!”  

Is what I’d say. Bitch needs to be put in her place

Post # 34
Member
2217 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

gypsymermaid :  OP, what did you end up telling her?

Post # 35
Member
2925 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

You Bees are way more polite than I would be!  My response would be “you’re kidding, right?”

Post # 36
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

Now is an EXCELLENT time to create boundaries in an important relationship! 

 

Say to her, “I know you are upset about not having a hen do, but as I am not in the bridal party, it is not my responsibility to plan or attend it. I will happily help you with other crafts, but the onus is on you to discuss your party with your bridesmaids.”

People will treat you how you let them. The only way to live in any kind of peace is to create firm boundaries with people, even ones we love.

Post # 37
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i think its kinda rude for her to expect her friends outside her bridal party to help her out so much with her wedding and help plan things like a hen do. 

if her response is her bridal party is too busy with kids, family, etc to help her, then maybe she should have reconsidered her choices. 

although you did shoot yourself in the foot by telling the bridal party and her earlier that you would help with anything if asked. Maybe she is now remembering that and is the reason she is coming to you. 

Post # 39
Member
6535 posts
Bee Keeper

gypsymermaid :  Declining something that someone is unreasonably trying to impose upon you is not being selfish. I fall into the same trap, a lot of women do. 

Post # 40
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Well done! Sounds like you have it handled. Nice job at playing dumb. I wouldn’t even attend the party at this point even if they do plan something haha. gypsymermaid :  

Post # 42
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

Well done!  Way to set limits! 

Post # 43
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee

This is an awesome update!!!

Post # 44
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Best update ever!

Post # 45
Member
2217 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

gypsymermaid :  They didn’t take me up on the offer so I had no reason to believe anything was expected of me”

 

I mostly liked your response, but I fear the above gave her the impression that now that you had been put on notice, something is expected of you. In hindsight, I think it would have been better to stress that she had no right to expect anything of you (or any of her bridal party- this is an elective event) rather than imply she or the other women erred only in not telling you what was expected. If that makes sense. Clearly she does think you owe her something because she added you to the bridal party group chat which I think is SUPER tacky. Also love the, are you “still” making gift bags…sigh.

 

I’d opt out the group chat if I were you, OP. Maybe just send a message that you’re pulling out of the group to avoid getting too many notifications on updates and they should just let you know when the plans are finalized…

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