(Closed) “I’m not afraid of marraige – I’m hate/fear weddings”

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I just wanted to say that you sound like a great person supporting your SO through his anxieties. He’s lucky to have you, and I hope in time with you by his side he’ll be able to see the situation as less stressful, if not I’m sure both of you will find something that is perfect for you. 

How about a private vacation elopement? Or would his family not agree with such a thing?  
I think it’s beautiful if you can spend the money on some gorgeous shots and share them with everyone (if that’s your thing)   – we’re doing something similar too as I have no family to invite either. 

 

Post # 4
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee

My husband thought he hated weddings.  Then we had ours and it’s one of his favorite days ever.  I made sure alot of his thoughts/concerns were addressed in wedding planning, as long as it’s about the two of you, he’ll be fine.

Post # 5
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

OMG I totally agree this is progress for you!!!!  As a therapist, well holy shit I can see why he wouldn’t want to propose or get married – he’s probably secretly worried that (even though he knows you won’t) you’ll say no, and then if you say yes, he’s mortified that he’ll be mortified on HIS wedding day!  I used to be terrified of weddings and never wanted one as a child because I didn’t want to kiss someone in front of a crowd of people!  So I really get his anxiety.  I really do.

I think you guys should elope in Vegas!  I’d stop pushing for a proposal and just push to plan a trip to Vegas and then DO IT!!  🙂  Maybe I’m feeding into your excitement, and maybe I’m off base and all you other bees have a different perspective, but to me, this sounds like he wants to be married to you, he just doesn’t think he can handle all the gigantic hurdles that are in the way of that.

So when’s your trip to Vegas?  Heheheh ;P

Post # 6
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I have to agree with @LaurenK0105! I think your best bet is to suggest eloping! Having ridiculous anxieties myself, I can see where he’s coming from and I empathize! It’s no fun having seemingly uncontrollable worries. It probably makes it worse that he knows it would be important to you!

But I think this is a great sign! Hopefully he is warming up to the idea, and maybe with a little assurance, I think things will finally start happening!

Good luck to you! I hope things happen for you quickly!

Post # 7
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I have a relative who’s been struggeling with anexity like that for over 10 years.  I’d advise councelling (on a side note that is – the vegas idea sounds perfect for you).  You could even book a mini elope vacation – some places set them all up.  You could go someplace warm and combine it with the honeymoon.

Post # 8
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The Vegas idea sounds good!

If I was in your shoes though, I’d be afraid that I’d get left at the altar. Some men just can’t go through with it, even though they love you and they want to marry you. I went to highschool with a girl and this happened to her. He loved her but just couldn’t get up there infront of everyone at the last minute.

Gwen

Post # 9
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

The Vegas idea sounds awesome!  I’m glad that you guys are making progress.

Post # 10
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Destination wedding in Hawaii or a casual beach ceremony at your local beach!

Post # 11
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

When the wedding talk between me and my boyfriend started getting serious I worried that he was getting that masculine anti-wedding feeling. I just laid it flat out. I looked him dead in the eye and said, “I’m just going to say this the one time, and I want you to believe me. I would love to have a wedding, but if you ever feel like you can’t take all the planning and the pressure and the fuss, you say the word. We’ll call the whole thing off. Your comfort and your happiness is the most important thing to me. You’re supposed to be my husband, not my groom. (longish pause) OK, that’s all I had to say. We can move on now.”

And we did. And we’re doing some real planning now. But I think it makes him feel good to know that there’s a ripcord for if he needs it. I think the best thing you can do for him is to make absolutely sure he knows that you’re in his corner. He needs to feel safe and loved and secure.

Post # 12
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

Yikes- I had a dream about this thread last night—- I had a lot to say but I realized we had butted heads about this before so I passed on responding… then I had a dream about it… so Good luck OP!

Post # 13
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

My boyfriend hates weddings too. He feels as though most of it is unnecessary and why should you spend tons of money on a five hour party. I told him that you didn’t have to spend tons of money to have a nice wedding. His big fear is also me saying no if he proposes and I’ve reassured him tons of times that is not going to happen. 

I asked my boyfriend last night why girls who pressured their guys into getting married was a turn off. I think sometimes guys need a kick in the pants, especially if they aren’t moving or budging from their spot. His response was that he believes that most girls just want the ring or the wedding and then after that they’re disappointed that it’s all over and they become depressed and nasty towards their new husband when they’re supposed to be enjoying their new life together. I could see where he’s coming from because I have come across a few brides who just want that. But I told him that that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted a marriage and everything that entails. Sure our wedding will be fun but it will also be meaningful because it’s the start of our marriage. 

I think guys have their own individual reasons for why they haven’t proposed yet or what they think about weddings. 

Post # 15
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

OK- so I feel moved to write- I am going to apologize ahead of time as this is not meant to offend.

First off, I admire you- I personally would not be willing to wait 5+ years for any man but that is because I already did it and he ended up sleeping with my friend and getting her pregnant…. so basically my past has tainted the “waiting” thought for me. So I can understand why you are waiting and again, I admire you because even if I had waited the same amount of time, my guy would have gotten an ear full, drama, crying, etc. You have seemed to be waiting so patiently for you SO to come about. You are a much better woman that I.
That said, (here is the “offensive” part I am apologizing for) your guy needs to MAN UP. You are a complete angel to him- having waited so long, made your mind up to forego marriage for him, etc. Yes, I understand his issues and the fact that he doesn’t want to get help but you know what- this is the SELFISH part and not thinking of you. A fifteen minutes of being uncomfortable for your LOVE is showing the person how you feel about them and putting them over yourself. I would go through that 1000 times for my man because I love him- (actually I have, I do it for him every time we see his side of the family—- super uncomfortable to the point that I have anxiety attacks over it, but because it makes my fiance happy, I DO IT). You are bending over BACKWARDS to make this doable for him. He should be meeting you half way at least. Love isn’t selfish.

Now I can understand the whole “not ready”- I been through it and you are right, there is nothing one can say or do to make our men ready. I had to wait for mine to get ready or decide that I wasn’t happy and move on. He knew waiting made me miserable, he felt bad for putting me through that, but in the end, he wasn’t ready and I had to wait for him to get ready. I am not going to lie, I encouraged his readiness by explaining to him that if we weren’t engaged, there were certain things that I was not going to do such as include his opinion on our next place we moved to, sign a lease, attend his family functions (his sister was engaged so that was a wedding he would want me to go to), etc. I even furthered my engagement again by letting him claim our son to get a bigger return. I really don’t feel like I should have had to do all of that, however my not ready guy would come up with every excuse why it couldn’t be done so I showed him what the perks are to it. He agreed, and eventually proposed. 
I see you doing the same thing- going with whatever idea he wants just to get married. I understand but that is why I say he needs to man up. In the end it is just so UNFAIR to you. He is making selfish decisions at your expense and that isn’t a quality I would be holding on it or trying to defend. Completely different if he realized what it was doing to you and got help but he isn’t and it all is at your expense.

I have no doubt he loves and cares for you, I just feel you do for him a little bit more because you will bend over for his needs and wants where as he hasn’t made that step yet. (And we can disagree about that- this is just my opinion.)

The reason why I had said we have bumped heads in the past is because we disagree on “marriage” as you have often stated that if you left your SO then you must be willing to marry anyone because you believe that if you loved the person, you would never leave them- or something to that effect. If I met you 10 years ago- I would have agreed with you whole heartedly. But the love of my life broke my heart almost to the point of no repair. Loving him so much made me lose myself and when he left, a part of me left with him. It took a long time for me to rebuild myself, my trust and my heart and from that I have learned there isn’t just only one person to love in this world. You can love many people- the key to it all is marrying someone who has the same goals as yourself.

If you want children, you shouldn’t have to give up that because the person you are with doesn’t. If you want marriage, you shouldn’t have to give that up because the person you are with doesn’t. It just means that you both aren’t compatible in that regards and either you compromise, accept it or find someone else that wants the same as you. 10 years ago, Iprobably would have accepted it because of love. Now I know there are more people to love and I would be willing to walk. (In no way or shape am I telling you to walk because I know you won’t, I am just saying how I feel about it.)

My dream last night consisted of this thread and me reading it and then meeting you- we talked about it and you waited a little bit more and he didn’t deliver. I woke up so I don’t know how it ended so I am in as suspense as you are.

Again, good luck- I hope he gets over the anxiety soon- or just enough to get through 15 minutes of a JOP or an elopement for your happiness. You are worth a life time of happiness, but I will be proud of him if he could find it in his heart to give you at least 15.

 

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