(Closed) I’m not an encore, but am curious

posted 10 years ago in Encore
Post # 17
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I remember thinking “I am marrying Mr half right not Mr Right.  But I dont believe in Mr. Right so this will work.”.   As many of say it seemed like a good idea at the time

Post # 18
Member
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was so young. I was 19 and I had no idea the way the world worked and wouldn’t listen to anyone who told me that I was too young and had yet to experience life.  I knew I loved my ex and I still feel like he is a fabulous man, but the naysayers were right- my desire to experience life and everything around me was stronger than my desire to settle down. 

Post # 19
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@GDub:  OMG!  Me too!!!!  

Post # 20
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

@MadameTussaud:  Absolutely knew it was not right and did not have the confidence to speak up. If people have a sense it isn’t right, my advice is to just walk away. 

Post # 21
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I swear at the time, I was marrying the man of my dreams.  Mr. Right per say.  But I thought he was everything I should be marrying.  He did not drink, did not smoke, no drugs and never lifted a hand to me.  But he was always immature, never remember the important things that were important to me, eventually never really being a dad or a husband.  Alot of things that bothered me before the wedding, really showed it’s ugly head during our marriage.  After a while, I felt if I am mother, father, wife and husband to me and my kids, why do I need him!.  I eventually left after 10 years.  Now I am marrying my love, not because of any other reason, but for love.  I am not wearing my rose colored glasses anymore.

Post # 22
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m not an encore bride, but my husband has previously been married to someone else.  He says he knew that he was settling for his first wife.  His family and his friends didn’t like her, but didn’t say anything to him for fear that he would choose her over them, and they were probably right.  Even the dog they got together didn’t like her (she loves me).

At their reception, the OFFICIANT pulled him aside and told him that he wouldn’t be filing the paperwork until Monday, so if he changed his mind, DH should just call him, and he’d destroy them.  

The guests (including DH’s parents) had a betting pool to see how long the marriage would last.  

The ex was from a different country, so we suspect that she married DH to get a green card.  He was young, and thought he was mature enough for marriage.  

Post # 23
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I was 100% convinced I was marrying the right one the first time.  I had no doubts at all.  But over time, we became more like roommates and we lost the connection.  He is a great guy, just not for me.  We proved to have different interests and wants.

This time, I knew what to look for

Post # 24
Member
776 posts
Busy bee

I knew 100% that he was the wrong guy the first time around. I kept hoping that there would be a hurricane at the resort (we got married in Jamaica), or he would back out or one of my parents would realise that he was wrong for me and help me back out. None of those things happened and so I went through with it. Big mistake!

Post # 25
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This is so scary! It sounds like most of you were sure but young. I know they always say young people don’t listen when you say they are young and need to grow. I guess they are right about that? I have always heard people tell brides with doubt that it is normal cold feet but now that sounds like bad advice.

Post # 26
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I was young and just knew he was right for me but the right man for the girl isn’t necessarily the right man for the woman. I was so in love and just knew whatever life brought we would weather it together. I knew we were young but thought we would grow up together, if that makes any sense. Add to that the fact I didn’t know anything about being married -raising a family, paying bills, compromising, talking through difficulties, setting healthy boundaries, dealing with my insecurities or my expectations without making the other person wrong – and you have an idealized version of marriage that was bound to fail. I can smile about it now. I was young, in love and ignorant. I just wish I had listened when others tried to tell me.

Post # 27
Member
4090 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

“I’ve heard of ladies walking down the aisle knowing that this marriage wouldn’t work out or the guy they were marrying wasn’t right for them.  How many of you knew this in your previous weddings?  “

 

Yes this was me.  We didn’t “walk down the aisle” but we went to the courthouse.  Having no clue what actually makes marriages work and feeling like it was a pure gamble (as to which copules make it and which break up), I just went for it.  Just taking a gamble!

 

I did not want to change my last name after marriage, but he insisted I had to.  I said OK, please tell me your heartfelt reasons why it’s so important to you and I will really consider it because it will help me understand.

His reply?  “That’s what girls do” and “Because I own you now.”

 

Yeaaaah.  My thought was, “This guy is not even worthy of me taking his last name.”  Yet I still married him.

 

I have tremendous faith and hope in my current marriage.  I can see if you entered your previous marriage with such great hope and faith that it was going to last, and it did not that you’d be pretty burned and hesitant!  I don’t feel burned; I feel I just did not pick right the first time and I know why.  That’s why I have no qualms about getting married again – I did it much better this time!

Post # 28
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

The sad thing is that I never really even put much thought into whether or not he was “the one”. We had dated for almost 4 years, our friends were all getting married, and it just seemed like the logical next step. Despite our constant fighting, I thought I loved him, but at 24 I clearly had no idea of what real love was. It was almost as if I had nothing better to do that day, so why not get married? And while I’d like to think what a huge mistake it was, had I not done it, I’d have never have met my new beau, who really, truly IS “the one” for me.  It all happened exactly as it was meant to.

Post # 29
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m late in posting to this thread but wanted to share my thoughts —

Yes, I knew it was a mistake.  I thought my ex-husband had all the qualities I wanted:  we agreed on religion, politics, how many kids to have, careers, where to live, etc.  We also both have good senses of humor (if I do say so myself 😉 ).  I remember thinking WOW, this guy has it all.  What I didn’t think about was that I had needs beyond just those things.  For example, I love to tease my friends and my ex-husband was so sensitive that he would never laugh at himself.  Also, my dad had an explosive temper and I’m very sensitive to men who yell and my ex would blow up at the stupidest things like being caught in traffic.  It used to make me tense up and get nervous and even afraid.

Anyway.  I looked at big picture items but didn’t think about how compatibility works on a daily basis.  Right before my dad was about to walk me down the aisle, I had a moment of panic and I thought, “I can’t DO THIS.”  I almost said it to him.  I wonder what would have happened if I did.  He probably would have told me I’d be ok and it was just cold feet.  But regardless, I didn’t say anything and I went and we got married.  That night after we had sex, I thought, “It’s consummated, it’s over, I’m trapped” and started sobbing.  I think my ex thought I was crying from the emotion of the moment, but I can admit now that it was sheer terror.

We were married 4 years but separated for the final year.  Now I’m engaged to the love of my life who doesn’t mind one bit when I tease him and who doesn’t ever blow up or yell about things.  Oh, and we also have the same values and want the same things with a family and careers too.  🙂

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