(Closed) Im not even sure i want to get married now…

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Why would you expect your parents to be excited about a wedding when you’re not engaged?  I don’t understand.

 

If I started talking to my parents about money for a big wedding before I was engaged, they probably have been a little less blunt than your dad was, but they certainly wouldn’t have been willing or enthused to talk about planning something or pitching in for something that wasn’t actually happening yet.

You’re 5 steps ahead of yourself and getting yourself upset about something that isn’t even a real issue yet.  Slow down, breath, enjoy and live in the present, and you may find that once you’re actually engaged, your parents might come around.  

And if they don’t – I understand that may be hurtful and disappointing – but that has nothing to do with MARRIAGE. If you’d reconsider marriage just because your parents wont pay for a wedding,  you might want to reflect a bit- do you want a marriage for marriage, or for the wedding?

Post # 18
Member
5659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Maybe don’t talk about a wedding when you aren’t even engaged yet

Post # 19
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

How old are you?

Post # 21
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mandypop:  <– Exactly this!  OP, slow your roll.  Your engagement may be coming, but it isn’t here yet.  Until you are actually engaged it’s unreasonable to expect your parents to be excited and to help plan and pay for your wedding.  Also, it sounds like you want a wedding, not a marriage so, as mandypop said, you should reflect a bit on this.

Post # 22
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I really do see where your parents are coming from. They are understandably hesistant about being to excited when you aren’t even engaged.

You got engaged very early to your ex and that lasted 3 months.

Now you’ve been dating your bf for little over a year, no ring and you want to start officially planning a wedding.

Even if you know that it’s coming, your still not engaged.

Also, have your parents ever told you that they would pay for your wedding? I think it’s a bit presumptuous of you to expect that if they’ve never expressed a will to pay.

Post # 23
Member
2692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Not sure what the backstory is but if you do want a wedding you do have to pay for it yourself.  It is YOUR wedding afterall.  But if your parents are just not interested at all in your wedding, then I can understand how that can be upsetting.

Also, if you’re not officially engaged yet, I’d just hold off on wedding talk with yur family until you both mutually agree to start planning.

I too understand not wanting to get married in a Justice of the Peace.  I would not be happy with a courthouse wedding.  I have been dreaming of my wedding day forever and always wanted the white dress, the party and to celebrate in a big way with all my close family and close friends.  Plus I have waited long enough.  After 13 years and 3 kids, at 31 years old I deserve my wedding and a Justice of the Peace won’t do. But since I want this, I have topay for it on my own… you can’t expect other people to foot  the bill for what is in essence one big party to celebrate you.

Post # 24
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@SerenityLove:  There’s a difference between having planned before the engagement (which I don’t think is a good idea anyway), and expecting OTHERS to support you (emotionally and financially) while you do so…especially when you’ve done the same thing in the past.  Your expectations of your parents’ reaction are just not reasonable.

Post # 25
Member
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@SerenityLove:  

Of COURSE its about you not being engaged!!  Your dad has an attitude about “the wedding” – because…there…isnt a wedding?

Yes, many of us thought about our weddings before we got engaged… but I can only speak for myself here, I certainly didn’t start asking my parents for money for it! And if I did, I can bet you, my dad would have said “HA. Here’s 20 bucks. Elope. Send pictures”

After Fiance had asked my parents permission, the proposal had happened, etc – they got very excited and offered me what they were willing to contribute.  It would have gone down very differently if I’d brought it up, especially before I was engaged.

That being said, yes, you bet your booty I was looking at dress pictures and skimming Style Me Pretty once I knew he had the ring in our apartment.   Do that kind of thing to your heart’s content – maybe it will help you channel that wedding-excitement energy towards a more productive/less upsetting place.  

 

ETA – I didnt realize you’d been engaged before. Without knowing anything about that situation, I will tell you from personal experience that parents are hurt in breakups too…perhaps they are still a bit burned from getting excited the last time?  Have a little faith that once its official, they may come around?

Post # 26
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If I were you, I would wait till the real ring was on my finger then visit the subject of wedding with my family then.  Make it clear you are happy to pay for It but if they would like to help out that would be fine, don’t ask for money. Ask for help making decisions, and keep them included.  It is not there responsibility to pay for your wedding. Has you Boyfriend gotten down on one knee and said “willyou marry me?” if not,you need to wait before you tell people you are engaged.  It comes off desperate.  Just be patient, if he said it will happen then let it happen.  You will appreciate it more then.  Good luck!  

Post # 27
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@SerenityLove:  You bet I started thinking about how my wedding would be before we got engaged. Does that mean I expected people to be excited about it? Heck no… I refrained from sharing my ideas because we were not officially engaged. People would have looked at me and gone “yeah that’s nice…” in a bored voice and walked away. It’s not exciting for people until they KNOW it’s going to happen. Without a ring you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend are the only ones who KNOW what’s going to happen.

I would hold off on the wedding conversation with anybody other than your Boyfriend or Best Friend. It’s fun to plan things just the two of you in the meantime. Once he gets a ring on your finger your family will be more likely to come around. If I were you I wouldn’t expect the family to pay for anything. You can have a nice wedding and pay for it yourself. It takes a lot of effort, but it can be done. Trust me I know… My Fiance was laid off more than once during our planning so we had to postpone until our finances improved. It’s nice for a family to offer, but it’s not an obligation. If you show them that it would be nice to have contribution, but it’s not expected you can have your wedding with all of your special moments (mother and daughter dress shopping and the like). 

If you keep the wedding plans to yourself for awhile your family may even surprise you and gift you some money for the wedding. It sounds like your family may be feeling underappreciated. I do think he overreacted though. What he said was pretty harsh. 

Like the other bees said just sit down and evaluate your situation. Your marriage should be the most important thing to you. If you want that marriage to happen a particular way then you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend need to sit down and figure out how that will happen. Don’t rely on money from family. Even if they do promise you money things could come up that prevent them from contributing as much or at all.

Post # 28
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

This says a lot about your relationship status. You’d rather not get married at all if you cant have a wedding? THEN WHAT IS THE POINT OF A WEDDING TO BEGIN WITH?!?! 

The only thing you need to do is to get those papers done. The wedding is just a cultural bonus. And the fact that you see it as an all or nothing deal… well, it makes it seem like you are not ready for it. 

Post # 29
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@SerenityLove:  

This post right here?

i cant stand the idea of just going to the courthouse, ive had the wedding idea in my head too long to even consider Justice of the Peace. So yeah, if i cant have a real wedding, there is no way i can get married.

Means you’re clearly not ready to get married. 

Post # 30
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

 

Honey, I hate to be blunt, but your parents probably dont care because a.) he probably hasn’t even paid your father the respect of asking for your hand in marriage, and b.) there is no ring on your finger. 

I know a lot of people get engaged after dating for only a couple of months but think of it this way: you have been dating for like a year. Most couples date around 2~3 years before the idea of marriage even comes up. I’ve been with my SO for 4 1/2 years and I wouldn’t even bring it up to my family that I’ve started fantasizing about a white gown and the words “I do.” I’ve hinted-a couple times- to them that it will probably happen soon, as in him asking within the next 12 months, and I’ve left it at that. They’ve already volunteered there approval for him as his parents have for me. 

 

 I think you said in a previous post that you were engaged before and that fell through as well. Are you sure you’re not just in love with the idea of getting married? Maybe you don’t realize it and you’re putting too much pressure on him. 

 
It really sounds like you are in a hurry to run to the alter like the other bees have said, rushing and trying to get money for an engagement that hasn’t happened yet is somewhat foolish. Maybe start setting aside a few hundred dollars asside every month in advance, it’s good to save up money! But asking your parents like that is only going to annoy and piss them off.

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