(Closed) Im not even sure i want to get married now…

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
Member
1331 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

View original reply
@SerenityLove:  We understand the difference between want and ready. I’m fairly sure most people get married when they feel they’re ready, rather than getting married to find out if they’re ready. So I’m gonna disagree with you there.

Post # 63
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oh I am sorry – but I stand by my point!

Yes, YOU can 100% KNOW YOU ARE READY to marry someone. If you don’t KNOW YOU ARE READY don’t do it!!!!!

And if you really loved him and really KNEW YOU WERE READY to spend the rest of your life with him, you WOULD sacrifice your dream wedding to be with him.

Is that Better?

I stand by everything I said, but to me wanting something and being ready for something is the same thing. Knowing you want something in the future (ie. your baby example) is different.

I was ready for marriage for 3 years before I actually got married. I was 100% confident in my decision and 100% confident in mine and my DH’s decision to get married at that time.

If you are not ready, please wait until you are!

In regards, to the planning before being engaged. Yes, I did do this. But I did expect anything from anyone outside of me and my DH when it came to planning. The more expectations you have the more you are setting yourself up for dissapointment. I am sure your parents are just concerned about you not being ready. They really do have your best interest at heart and are not out to hurt your feelings.

I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 64
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

This is probably futile, but…

OP, please listen to yourself. In your original post, you said that because a wedding wouldn’t be as much fun if your parents aren’t involved, you aren’t sure you want to get married AT ALL.

When you’re truly ready to get married, your parents not being involved in the planning would be a disappointment, but it would NEVER change your mind about marrying the person you love.

Post # 65
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

All you need to get married is: your groom, your officiant, your license, and a witness (or two.)

The wedding’s not going to be the “best day of my life.” The day after will be- when I wake up married to him. 

If you wouldn’t be willing to go the minimum route, you probably should take a step back, and evaluate your relationship. Being with my future husband for the rest of my life, and making him my family is a hell of a lot more important than any party we could have.

Post # 66
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This sounds more like someone who wants to relive their prom rather than get married.

Post # 67
Member
1961 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Look no offense, but many people DO know when they are ready to get married. They SHOULD know when they are ready to get married. There should be absolutely no reservations…. No thoughts of “this may not work out, but we should at least try.” Marriage is a LIFELONG commitment. You have to go in thinking that way. Now I know things can happen sometimes once you are in a marriage that may change things (such as abuse, infidelity, etc.) and prompt a divorce. You have to sit down and figure out with your SO what things you would not stick around for in a marriage. For Fiance and I it’s abuse. That is the ONLY reason we would ever divorce. We know neither of us will do that to each other and know that we will make it in the long run. We have the drive to work out any problems that we may have because we see it as a commitment to that person for LIFE.

If you are willing to make a commitment to a person like that then you need to be sure. If you are not and just want to try it out to see how it works because you love him then you are setting yourself up for a host of problems. I’m not saying that it won’t work out, but you may not be willing to try as hard to hash things out.

I can tell you that:

  • My FI’s brother and sister-in-law knew 100% they were ready to get married
  • My FI’s sister and brother-in-law knew 100% they were ready to get married
  • My cousin who is getting married this month knows 100%
  • I know 100%
  • My grandparents who have been married for 50 years knew they were ready

I could keep going on with this list for ages because everybody I know who has stayed married knew going in what they wanted. If there is even a possibility in your mind that it may not work out then you are not ready. I’m the same age as you and I’ve been through the process of not being able to plan the wedding that I wanted. My mom is still not really interested in hearing about my wedding plans. I can tell you that it was upsetting and at one point I felt like it was the most awful thing in the world. Then I calmed down and thought about things…. Being married to my Fiance is the most important thing at the end of the day. If anything happens to prevent our wedding this August I would run to the courthouse in Ohio in a heartbeat to have a JOP wedding. 

Wanting the big white wedding is fine. It just shouldn’t prevent you from being married to the one you want to be with for life. The wedding is small potatoes compared to a lifetime of bliss with your loved one.

Post # 69
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

My post above still stands. However, I want to add this.  If you don’t know if your READY to be married , then you have no business being engaged.  Being engaged is actively preparing to get married. It’s saying ” yes, I am ready to build a life with this person”  it’s not ” I have a sparkly ring! Pay attention to meee!”

And the wedding is not all about you either. It’s about him too. I’ve showed my fi things that Ive wanted and he has said no so your gonna have to work around that. 

 

Post # 70
Member
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Since you can afford to throw your own wedding, I don’t see a problem. If you aren’t even officially engaged yet, why worry about it? And when you are truly ready to get married, it will all come together.

Post # 71
Member
3120 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

3. Im not talking about getting married right away. I dont know if im ready for marriage or not, but then again, who does? THe only way to know for sure is to just do it.

AND

But my point is that NOBODY knows if they are actually ready for anything until they do it and find out. Just because you want something, it doesnt mean you are ready to have it. You can WANT a baby at 15 years old, but it certainly does not mean you are READY for it.

These two statements scare the ever-loving shit out of me.  Is this real life?  You DO know when you’re ready.  I know enough about myself to know that I’m ready for the ups and downs of marriage.  I’m not going to run away when things get tough, I’m ready to stick it out for better or for worse.  

Do you suggest that 15 year olds who want babies just “do it and find out” if they’re ready?  I’m speechless.

Post # 72
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
@SerenityLove:  I think if you had come on here as a waiting bee, which since you found the slip I would say you are now, you would have found more sympathy.  Also no one on here was mean to you. It was essentially ” what is the rush?”  and things that we were concerned about via your posts. We can Olny give advIce with what YOU tell us.  

Your first paragraph in your update makes me sad. I hope you find happiness. 

You let a bunch of Internet people make you feel bad about yourself? We don’t know you honey, why does it matter what we think?

Mabey you should stay on the bee if you got this upset over fairly polite and well intentioned advice , they will eat you alive on the knot.

 

Also I don’t think anyone called you selfish….

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