I'm not excited about my wedding anymore

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
6377 posts
Bee Keeper

How often do you talk to her? Maybe stop answering her calls and just cutting the communication down that way. She can’t really rant about you not including her when no one is there to listen.

Didnt you say before that you are 35? Still letting your mom control you like this really isn’t healthy. 

Post # 3
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

That’s strange that she’s trying to push in despite not contributing.  Just don’t discuss wedding things with her.

Post # 4
Member
749 posts
Busy bee

I know she’s not picking up calls but can you let her know how miserable this is making you? Through text maybe, like you’ve let us know?

And if she, as your mother, can’t even feel bad that she’s making her own child so sad and anxious about what should be a happy day, then she isn’t a very great mom and doesn’t deserve your compliance. I’m so sorry this is happening. I hope it all works out. 

Post # 5
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

You really need to put your foot down here, especially since she is not paying for your wedding. Easier said than done, I know- but it’s not fair for you to not be excited about one of the most exciting parts of life because your mom is overbearing. 

If she asks you about something wedding related, don’t tell her, don’t give her the opportunity to shit on anything. Tell her you and your fiance are planning things how you’d like them to be done and she’ll see it all at the wedding.

Post # 6
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Although not as bad, I had similar issues with mine. It came to a head and we screamed at each other for 10 minutes in public. It wasn’t pretty, but if it haddnt happened, I wouldn’t have had MY wedding and would have regretted it. It also reset my relationship with my mum, she has had no choice but to see me as a capable adult that can make my own decisions. My now hubby helped give me the strength to do it, he saw everything she was doing and didn’t like it so supported me in standing upto her. 

I’m not saying you need to have a full blown no holds barred row with her, but you need to get the message across that these are your decisions, even if she doesent agree with them, she needs to be adult enough to, in her eyes, let you “make the mistakes”

As a side note, when she married did her mum take over and decide everything? This happened to my mum, and annoyed her that much she renewed her vows to have the wedding she wanted. 

Post # 7
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

It’s time to set major boundaries with her.  This is your wedding, not hers.  The less you loop her in to things, the better.  If she asks you questions, ignore or deny.  Keep her at arm’s length! 

Do not take her dress shopping – take a friend, bridesmaids, or go solo!  I went dress shopping by myself one day on a whim and I bought the first dress I tried on.  Didn’t bother with anyone’s opinions 🙂

 

 

Post # 8
Hostess
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

100% my mom is just as overbearing about my appearance (especially with the comments, so I feel you).

I told her flat out if she continued her pattern of behaviour I wasn’t speaking or seeing her until that pattern of behaviour changed. Every time she reverts back to that pattern I refuse to call/see her until she apologizes.

In the end it’s the only way she will learn- you deserve the wedding of your dreams, this isn’t HER wedding it’s yours and you need to put your foot down so she knows that. By giving in to her demands you’re makin room for more demands (that’s what happened to me anyway).

Post # 9
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Sorry Bee I hope this isn’t a foreshadowing of my own wedding. My mom is really overbearing too thank God they live far away although I miss them. You can tell her the sky is blue and remind her the sky is blue and two seconds later shell tell you no its green because she says its green. 

Like others have suggested, you have to lay out boundaries and stick to them. ‘Mom I’m not discussing this with you, I’m hanging up’. ‘No, I don’t like that dress. I pick this one’. ‘This dress isn’t ugly, it’s the one I want and that’s what is being purchased...there is no discussion regarding this’. 

Understanding that her whining bitching and moaning she has gotten away with it so far. So once you put your foot down it will be uncomfortable but remember she is in control of herself if she lashes out, back lashes, whines throws a tantrum, hangs up on you. That is HER problem. That is how she is CHOOSING to behave. 

You cannot control her behavior but you can control how you react to her bad behavior. 

It might help to write down some shut downs and practice in the mirror what you will say and just repeat it. 

If you believe it, believing it will give you your power back. 

Right now your mom thinks she has the power. Take that shit back. 

And if it comes to it, tell her ‘It’s my GD wedding. You aren’t paying a cent to it and you’re quite honestly making this a living hell for me. If you don’t cut the sh*t immediately, I don’t want you helping at all and honestly? That would be a whole lot more pleasant for me and I can deal with your tantrums over the hell I have been through lately’. 

Let her throw her damn tantrum. IGNORE it. Do not engage. 

Because think about it. If you stand your ground and tell her how you feel what will happen? 

YOU will have FREEDOM. She will throw a tantrum she will stone wall you (emotional abuse by the way), so WHAT…at the end of the day you will have peace. 

Imagine yourself without her domineering you. 

How much more peaceful are you? A lot more, right? Once you stand your ground and it’s done, it will feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of you. 

Good luck Bee. Take your power back. 

 

Post # 10
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

therealmrslane :  “she is now pouting like a child and refusing to take my calls because I selected registry items with my fiance instead of her!”

Good! Stop calling her. She doesnt deserve to talk to you anyway. 

Post # 11
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

Stop trying to please her and stop hoping for her approval. You will not get it no matter what you do. Just remove those goals from your mind, they’re not possible and they’re not the point. 

Don’t ask for her opinion when you don’t want it, just tell her what decisions you’ve made. Finalize those decisions without expecting approval first. If she tries to change your mind, tell her the decision is made and end the conversation. 

Go dress shopping with her once so that she can have the experience. If it doesn’t go well (and it probably won’t) don’t sweat it. Go again without her. 

It’s hard, I know. But the only alternative – trying to get her approval – is much, much harder and results in a wedding you don’t want and can’t afford.

Post # 12
Member
2327 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

Oh wow. she sounds seriously toxic. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Stop sharing things with her. Dont ask her opinion. She no pay, she no say. 

You probably need better boundaries with her, as I’m sure pps have outlined above. 

Post # 13
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

That sounds awful bee.  I’m going to echo the general sentiment that you need to set boundaries.  Stop discussing wedding things with her.  When she asks about, for example, flowers, tell her that you’ve gone with an arrangement that you love and you’re looking forward to surprising her and the other guests with it on the day.

 

Post # 14
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I agree with others that you need to stop discussing anything. Just say you have it sorted and it’s all finalised. If she wants your hair a certain colour just say ok and then do it the colour you want. You are the adult and it’s your final say. Please do not take her dress shopping, you don’t need her ruining that experience for you.

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