Post # 1
I need some encouragement to be honest. I got engaged in June and we set the date for April 2019. I’m not excited at all about my wedding. I really just feel stress. Don’t get me wrong I love him with all my heart, ny daughter and my family does too. His family has treated me wonderful, so that isn’t the issue. Since I can remember I’ve never wanted a wedding. I’ve never wanted to walk down the aisle or the dress.
I’m Hispanic and he is Korean. We’re getting married in Seoul. So in his culture they don’t do the let’s go to the courthouse and just sign the papers. It’s a ceremony, it’s a really big deal and more since he is the first born male on his dad’s side. I can’t complain since he has done everything and has asked me what I want and what I don’t, but I’m just not into it. I feel uncomfortable going to a bridal store and trying dresses. I let his sister pick everything in the wedding hall.
My parents say it’s because my daughter can’t attend the wedding since her father didn’t sign her passport (which YES that has me depressed to be honest) so because of this both my parents can’t attend, I can’t have a honeymoon because my mom will go with me so I’m not just going to leave her stranded there 😔. I can’t change it at this point and I will have another wedding In Puerto Rico, since that’s where my parents live but I’m just not motivated at all. A moment that people say we should be happy I’m just sad.
Thanks for reading. I guess I just needed to actually express what I’m feeling.
Post # 2
Just wanted to drop by and say I’m sorry you are feeling so stressed about everything.
You say you’ve never wanted a wedding but you don’t say if you want to be married, so my answer is assuming that you want the marriage but not the elaborate ceremony.
It’s good that your husband to be is taking the majority of the organising stress away from you, however, does he know how you feel about the wedding itself? Have you sat down and spoken to him about all the worries you have?
Is there any particular reason youve never wanted a walk-down-the-aisle wedding? (This is a completely valid feeling and view by the way, but it sounds like you want to get excited for the wedding, so I’m trying to unpick anything to try and get you excited, if possible).
Also, a wedding without your daughter? That sounds really tough Bee and I’m not surprised you would be sad about that. Is there a way to sort the passport out or to postpone the wedding so she can come?
Post # 3
In this case, I’d get married somewhere low-key where you feel comfortable and just get it out of the way. Then go along with the big family thing they want. They don’t need to know. Your wedding should be special to you, not just a circus you go along with. Normally, I wouldn’t recommend it because it’s dishonest, but being forced into a wedding you don’t want is equally as shitty.
Post # 4
thosethreewords : Thanks for responding 🙂 . To answer your question about why I don’t like weddings, there’s not a specific reason it’s more of I don’t like ceremonies I guess. My parents have been happily married for 42 years so no trauma there. I’ve just always seen it as being a waste of money. I happy about the marriage and spending the rest of my life with him though. He knows my feelings and he has really accommodated all my request like not seeing me before I walk down the aisle (which in his culture couples take pics before the wedding).
The passport for my daughter, that’s another story. Her father said no, I went to court and the court can’t overrule since he answered. So that’s a no go unfortunately 😔.
My daughter says she’s ok with it and that she understands (she went that day with me) but I can see she is disappointed. I’ve let her look for wedding dresses and everything on this side and she happy about that but I know inside she is sad. So maybe my parents are right and it’s because she can’t attend, that’s why I’m not feeling it.
Post # 5
snpmarin : Believe me I would but I live in the States and he’s in Korea right now so that a bit impossible. We were going to go to court here but since he comes to the states for work months at a time it would look bad to get married, so we can’t. 😔
Post # 6
I’m confused about two things.
1. Why can’t both of your parents come? Is it because one has to care for your daughter? Is there a reason your daughter can’t stay with her dad that week? He is involved enough to be making passport decisions. Is there no one else your daughter can stay with? Aunt or uncle? Grandparents on her dad’s side? Trusted family friend?
2. Is your mother physically or mentally ill that she isn’t able to fly back home by herself after the wedding? I don’t understand why she would be stuck in South Korea by herself. Couldn’t she get on a plane home the same time you and your husband get on a plane for your honeymoon? Also, plenty of people take delayed honeymoons. You and your husband could fly back home with your mom immediately after the wedding and leave for your honeymoon from there or just take one in a few months at a more convenient time. A honeymoon is basically just a vacation by another name.
As for your daughter, have you considered getting a tablet and having her Skype in for the ceremony? The time zone difference will be considerable, but not impossible for a one off event like this.
Post # 7
annabananabee : Hi.
Yes my dad will take care of my daughter. On her dad’s side she has no communication with them so that’s a no. As for my side I have a brother that lives in the same state but since he doesn’t drive I rather have my dad come in case an emergency.
It’s weird how laws work because I don’t understand how he can make such a decision when she doesn’t go on vacation with him, they don’t even talk AT ALL. He has always avoided courts since he owes her $17k in child support but for this he answered. So when I asked the judge he said paternal rights are separate from child support so he couldn’t consider that. But we live in different states so I really don’t get how someone that has not been in a child’s life and doesn’t even live in the same state can make a decision like that. The judge did say I could appeal the decision with a lawyer (which the retainer only is 5k) but doesn’t guarantee anything. I am considering it but waiting until school starts so my daughter doesn’t know and I don’t get her hopes up. I’m just scared in paying the 5k then the attorney taking their time asking for more and no outcome. Maybe I just think too much I don’t know.
On my mom, no she isn’t disabled but she doesn’t like planes, and a 15 hr flight may cause anxiety so I’ve decided to be with her. We have talked about a later honeymoon and that’s fine with both of us. I can only take 2 weeks from work and both are for our wedding since I have to go to the U.S. embassy there the week prior for some papers.
Post # 8
Hi bee. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down about your wedding. With all the different circumstances though, it’s totally understandable.
I just wanted to second a PP’s idea – my best friend is living o/s at the moment and missed her sister’s wedding, so we just had someone hold a tablet up showing the whole ceremony to her via Skype – this could be a great way for your daughter to feel involved!
Post # 9
“We were going to go to court here but since he comes to the states for work months at a time it would look bad to get married, so we can’t.”
I’m not sure I understand why you can’t get married in the US? It seems like you have very valid reasons. Have you asked your Fiance if he would consider it, and have his family travel instead since yours can’t? If this is something you have already discussed and you’ve made your peace with it, I’m sorry and perhaps you can have a party or some sort of ceremony when you are both back in the US.