I'm not falling in love with my engagement ring, but its his moms.

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 31
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

junefly2236 :  OMG! I love it!!! I’m so sorry that you don’t like it though. Maybe you can possibly choose a different ring together and use that one as a RHR? Or you can just let me have it 😩😩😂

Post # 32
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

I’ll be honest with you bee, I don’t like it either. It sounds like we have similar preferences, because all my stuff is very simple and white/silver too. I also wouldn’t like the idea of wearing someone else’s ring – new marriage, new ring. Maybe I’m too superstitutious…

I think you’re best bet is to follow other’s advice and say that you’re worried about the wear and tear of everyday life and that you want it to survive in tact to be passed on again. Who knows, maybe that style will be all the rage in a few generations. Then maybe you can talk your way into an “everyday” engagement ring and no one’s feelings are too hurt. It’s tricky and sensitive though, you have my sympathy.

Post # 33
Member
1738 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

junefly2236 :  So, I’m normally all about compromise but not in this case. You told your Fiance that you did not want this ring yet that’s what he forced upon you and is trying to convince you to like / wear. It’s a blatant disregard for your feelings. I would give him his mother’s ring back and let him know that you would like your own ring. And furthermore that you want to pick it out with him. 

Post # 34
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

My situation isn’t exactly the same, but I’ll share a few thoughts in case it helps.  I showed my husband a ring of my friend’s that I thought was so pretty. He half-remembered what it looked like and went to a jeweler for a custom made ring, which looks nothing like my friend’s ring.  My engagement ring is big and clunky and the diamond is not cut great, it’s even a little off square for a princess. 

So I thought the ring was ugly when he proposed.  When I talked to him about it, he was hurt, like it was his own art project and he was a little kid. 

So… in my early marriage, I complained about the setting, and even the diamond a few times.  But the reality is he tried to give me what I asked for, and in the end, I’m still wearing the ring 20 years later and it has grown on me.  It is a fine ring, it is very unique (no one has a ring quite as “special” as this one), and it’s OK.  I still sort of yearn to get another, prettier ring, and I may buy myself an eternity band or something like that eventually.  But my “ugly” ring was a gift and I’m glad now that I haven’t changed it.

I’ll tell you what’s weird is that because of my disappointing ring experience, I feel like I want to help my three sons shop for their eventual wives’ rings, or even collect some moissanite rings of my own to have things available for them to give.  I haven’t done this.  First of all, I don’t want to put cash into extra rings, and second, I realize it would probably fail.  I might get myself a nice RHR for me. 🙂  I would like to teach my sons, who will be clueless, about diamonds and jewelery and help them research so they get good quality and value.  Few young men know how to shop for that stuff.

I imagine that your Mother-In-Law likes the idea of an heirloom ring, so you must keep the ring and not return it. You should wear it sometimes around his family.  When you have a daughter, pass it on to her.  Appreciate their gift but this is not the only ring for you for your entire life.  I would not redesign the gifted ring. I like the idea of having it as a right hand ring.  I see no problem with you gettting a ring you like better.   They may have given the preowned ring out of desire to help you financially, so keep a modest budget for a ring that you will like but I think it’s fine for you to get a clear stone ring.  

How to convince your fiancee, when he feels like he’s done with the project?  I don’t know.  I really don’t know.  I was never able to convince my husband but in my case, I got more of what I asked for, just a weird interpretation.  I guess I would suggest being assertive and relentless.  Tell him that you appreciate the ring from his family and you will treasure it, but you want a more traditional ring to wear for the rest of your life, you want to spend a budget of $X (keep it reasonable and easy to say yes to), and… this is important to you and you need his support.  If you two are broke, wait a few years, and accept the gift ring as a way for you to work through other financial goals until you have a surplus for a ring that works better for you. 

Good luck with it!  Rings are small stuff in the big picture of life. 

ETA:  The most gracious thing you can do is live with the ring.  But I totally understand how you want more.  It’s hard and I’m sorry you’re in this situation.  

 

 

Post # 35
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

misslucy :  wedding rings can look all types of ways I’ve seen some engagment rings that look like a set. People are just throwing out options. 

Post # 36
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

junefly2236 :  junefly2236 : graciously accept the ring and wear it for special occasions and around his family. Pick out a very “you” wedding band. If you like plain styles maybe we two bands – one plain silver and one diamond eternity. You can wear them together as your wedding set.

i guarantee that flat out rejecting his mom’s ring will make her view you differently.

Post # 37
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Why did he give you his Mum’s ring? Has she passed away?

Or did Future Mother-In-Law offer it to him, and he thought ‘brilliant – here’s a great way to save some £££?’ but without thinking ‘I should discuss this properly first’?

I would suggest keeping it as a RHR for special occasions (it would be a shame to damage it, especially as it’s a family ring) but getting yourself a new engagement ring to your taste, and one which is practical for your lifestyle. Could you take it to a jeweller with Fiance for cleaning and to check the condition? They may well say that it needs careful looking after, and isn’t suitable for everyday wear… (you could warm the jeweller up beforehand).

It sounds like Fiance had a good inkling it wasn’t to your taste, and went ahead, so push that if needs be. You deserve a ring for you, and your relationship, and one you love. He will get so much more joy out of seeing you sporting a ring you love. Also, people will guess if you don’t like the ring and he will pick up on that.

I say that as I have a tsavorite garnet, and some friends of Fiance asked to see it and looked shocked (FI was there), ‘did he choose that?’ – they looked relieved when I said we chose it together. They thought he’d just gone out and bought something a bit random without my input. It doesn’t bother Fiance, as he knows I love the ring (I told him from the start I wanted a gemstone). If I was wearing a ring he picked, and he’d clearly gone off piste and I wasn’t delighted with the ring, he would be feeling awkward in these scenarios – he’s very glad he consulted me as a result.

Post # 38
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

My husband used to tell me a woman should be happy with whatever ring she gets because it’s not about the ring and that he would run if he was engaged to a materialistic person.

But during our 12 years of marriage, he has slowly learned that letting me have something I want, once in a while to make me happy, is a good thing. I wanted a certain ring, went crazy for it last year, and he bought it for me for our anniversary. 

It wasnt a ton of money, although it cost more than my original engagement ring and wedding band combined but it made him happy to see me happy and I can tell he is proud of himself when he sees how much I love the ring.

Our relationship has changed so much since we got married, and yours will too.

You will become more comfortable talking to each other as time goes by and you will have many years to get a new ring. But if you want one now, you just have to communicate it to him.

But you will never be stuck wearing something you don’t like for the rest of your life, because things always change.

Post # 39
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

Talk about it with your fiancé maybe you can wear it as a right hand ring and get your own engagement ring. My fiancé went on his own and bought me my engagement ring the only thing that was important to me was that it was my ring.

Post # 40
Member
747 posts
Busy bee

Im not very fond of it either. I never truly understood the handing down of engagement rings. Times change, styles change. Your Fiance loves you, he spent $0 on this ring, so it is not out of reason to speak with him and get  the ring that you want. It’s not like he bought this ring and you’re asking him to spend more on another. You can always wear this ring around his family if you really want to, but honestly after the wedding I wouldn’t bother. 

Post # 43
Member
2923 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

misslucy :  I agree with you 100%.  Why is it that the woman always has to be the one to compromise?

For all the Bees that are saying to compromise and just wear it on special occassions or just around his family I’m guessing have never been in this situation.  I was, with my ex, and it really sucked.  Not because I’m materialistic, but because I felt like my feelings were completely disregarded and I should be a good little girl and just be happy for whatever I got.  In the OP’s case, it’s even worse – she talked about this with her Fiance ahead of time, sparing his feelings and being PC, and he STILL gave her the ring she didn’t want.  I don’t think anyone should be forced to accept an heirloom ring they don’t want.  It’s not fair.  Given the emotional significance we (in general) put on an engagement ring, it should be something that represents our relationship.

Some women absolutely love heirloom rings, and that is great if it works out.  But if one doesn’t, they shouldn’t have to just accept it because their Fiance ignored her wishes.  I don’t think that’s right.  That would be like me giving my husband my dad’s diamond encrusted onyx pinky ring and expect him to use it as a wedding band, because y’know, it’s an heirloom.

Post # 44
Member
2923 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

bluehouselady :  Your heart sounds in the right place, but I disagree with your thinking.

You want to help your sons pick a ring for their future wives because you had a bad experience with your ring.  It is more that you want your boys to be educated on rings so that they can make an informed decision, or do you want to be intimately involved in the process?….because the way I read your post, it sounds like the latter and not the former.

I like my Mother-In-Law, but honestly, I would not be happy if my husband took her shopping to pick out MY ring.  This isn’t your relationship.  Heck, I wouldn’t even want my husband involving my own parents.  It’s OK to get ideas on tastes and styles, but to be actually part of the process doesn’t sit well with me.

Post # 45
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

sunnierdaysahead2 :  I look at it from the prespective of a man shouldn’t even have to get or give a ring. The tradition itself is outdated and very one sided. Are you giving or buying HIM anything for engagment? Idk it just seems a bit ungrateful and fussy. But if a woman (any woman not specifically the OP) doesn’t like the ring their SO proposed with then talk about buying something different TOGETHER or just get something yourself that is more to your taste. But then again I didn’t get or require an engagment ring and didn’t wear anything till we got married and we bought all our rings together

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