Post # 1
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
i’m going to try to keep this short without leaving out important details…
i’ve been engaged about a year now. wedding is in the works for this fall, which i’m super excited about.
Fiance got a new job that starts at the end of the summer and it’s far away from where we currently live. like “other coast” kind of far away. because of this horrible housing economy among other things, we’ve chosen to live separately for a year or 2. it sucks, but i’ve gotten over all that. that’s just how it is and we will be better off financially in the long run if we do it this way.
i am not religious. neither is Fiance. our families are, but they’ve been surprisingly accepting of our wishes to have a civil ceremony at our reception site. which is what we wanted…until this job thing.
we want to be married when he leaves. we have plans to wed at the end of the summer in a civil ceremony where we can invite no more than 10 people, should we choose.
this does not change my wedding. we were only planning on a quick ceremony at the reception hall with a friend officiating and we will still do just that. it just won’t be legal because we’ll already be legally married.
i don’t particullarly want people to know the ceremony isn’t “real.” mostly because i am sure we’ll already have family not really taking it seriously because of the non-religious aspect to it and this would just add fuel to the fire.
for our 10 people to invite, our parents, our sisters, our sisters’ significant others, and possibly 1 grandma is the logical list.
here’s my dilemma: i learned at a very early age to not tell my mom anything i don’t want plastered on a billboard. she simply cannot be trusted to keep a secret.
i want my mom at my wedding. i may not be really close with her (mostly because of said inability to keep her mouth shut), but she’s still my mom. and i really want my dad and sister there, both of whom don’t come without mom. i feel like my options are to invite those people and hope she can shut her mouth just once even though i know deep down she never will or just marry the love of my life with no family in attendance and let everyone believe the big wedding in the fall is the official “wedding.”
advice?
Post # 3
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
I would just get married in secret at the first ceremony & not tell anyone. Problem solved.
Post # 4
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
I kind of agree with Crystalrodz. If you are absolutely positive that you don’t want others in your family to know that you’re already legally married, I’d go ahead and do it completely privately then. If it’s not worth the risk, then don’t invite anyone but your witnesses you need.
Then it can be a nice little secret for you and your H to smile about on your “wedding” day.
Post # 5
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
So basically, you are looking for a way to lie to your friends and family? Please don’t. That is no way to start off a marriage. No, people won’t take your wedding as seriously if you’re already married, because it won’t really be a wedding. It will be a vow renewal that you are pretending is a wedding and not telling everyone the truth about. I’m understanding when brides have situations where this is absolutely necessary for things like health reasons, their Fiance will be deported because of visa reasons, etc. But doing it just because you feel like it and are going to be living apart for awhile? I don’t agree with that.
I’m probably going to get reamed out by other brides who are doing this, but I cannot in good conscience tell another bride that it’s a good idea to lie to people about her wedding. Wouldn’t it be a lot more special to get married at the wedding you’re planning, rather than doing it in secret and having to lie to people about it? I just don’t get it.
Post # 6
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
@Wonderstruck: You said what I was going to say.
Post # 7
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
Yup, I gotta agree with the PPs.
If your mom can’t keep a secret, then don’t invite her or the others involved. Just go with your Fiance (and a witness if you need one) and have it privately. Especially if you want to keep it a total secret.
eta: also, I wouldn’t advise changing your name on anything immediatly because that’ll be a DEAD GIVEAWAY. 😉
Post # 8
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
Take this from someone who has been going through this: DO NOT TELL ANYONE that you are getting married first.
Fiance and I were planning on getting married after the wedding day, due to some legal issues (about a week after) and I made the mistake of telling my uncle who was our officiant. He decided to tell everyone in my immediate family, and it caused a lot of stress and drama. We ended up changing our date and it was awful.
It’s up to you, but I suggest that you just do the ceremony in private.
Post # 9
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
I just wouldn’t tell anyone. Then your family won’t feel like they missed out on anything being at the second ceremony.
Post # 10
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
@Wonderstruck: This is where my family is coming from, and it’s wrong. I was told that my wedding was ‘Fake’ and not real. This is the MOST hurtful and mean thing that anyone has ever said to me. Most people only get ONE wedding day…why can’t she have it the way she wants it? It should not be discounted just because they decide to be adults and get married when it’s best for them.
Post # 11
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
@napabridekelsey: Because it’s not actually a wedding. It’s a vow renewal. The wedding is the day you get married. The only way someone could have two weddings is if they got married, divorced their spouse, then re-married him/her.
Post # 12
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
@Wonderstruck: I can understand that IF the OP was a religious person. But she isn’t. If she wants a private service and it kept quite prior to the “wedding day”, why not? Why does everyone and their brother need to know what goes on in her life? (just my opinion, mind you.)
My Fiance and I have discussed the “eloping” and not telling a person who’ll be at the wedding (other than a select few who know how to keep their mouth shut 😉 ) and not telling my family or his. Or reasoning, when we were thinking about this idea, was we want April 14th to be THE day everyone sees as our wedding day.
So far, we haven’t gone this route. BUT we’ve discussed it and put considerable thought into it.
oh, and for the record: When a Mormon gets married in the church (or whatever it’s called), NO ONE but the family and the Council of 12 (or whatever it’s called) are there for the ceremony. They have a reception. (I know this because my FI’s family is Mormon and we were discussing wedding ceremonies and stuff.)
OP, if you want to do this, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Just keep the ones who can’t keep a secret away. 😉 And enjoy your secret!!!!
Post # 13
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
@Mrs Grape: I disagree. A wedding day is any day that a couple decides it is.
Post # 14
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
@napabridekelsey: Gee, guess I better have another wedding tomorrow, then! 😉 The term “wedding” is inaccurate in this case because you can’t get married again if you’re already married. “Wedding” refers to the act of getting married, so what the OP is describing would be a vow renewal.
Post # 15
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
@Mrs Grape: what about people who have TWO WEDDINGS because of their families? Does that mean one isn’t a “wedding”??? There are a lot of Bees who are doing that and I’m pretty sure they might object. Or even the brides who have one wedding in one country and another in another country?
Some brides also get the legal part of a marriage done STATESIDE and THEN go to Mexico and other countries to have what they consider their weddings. Does that mean their Destination Wedding isn’t really a WEDDING????
Also, if you look at it from a legal standpoint: you’re technically signing the papers one day and having the actual ceremony when it best suits the bride and groom.
eta: also, the definition also includes “The act or an instance of joining closely
Post # 16
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
Why not go away and get married, and have a vow renewal in front of friends and family? We have been planning to get married at our reception site, and then honeymoon, but recent events have made me want to rethink that scenario and get married on a beach – just me and him and have the reception when we come home. My family isnt especially close, and in the end, this is about us and our love for each other. I’m not even inviting my real mom, and my step-mom is really on the way off the list with her actions these days.
I say if you feel you need to be legally married for your own reasons – do it, and be proud that you did. Have a vow renewal in front of friends and family that you feel should be there and reception afterwards. You have to tell the officiant beforehand because they’ll be the ones signing off, so unfortunately you have to at least tell one person.
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