Post # 1
So my friend, Melissa has been engaged twice before – I even went to one bachelorette party in New Orleans and then the wedding was called off. Last November, she met Dan. They quickly became a couple and moved in together. She has changed and not for the better – we can’t talk about the past and the fun crazy times we had together because he doesn’t want to hear about it – we had to take down FB pictures where she had some cleavage – for my bachelorette party, she came into the city for it, but Dan picked her up at 11pm and was pissed she wasn’t standing on the right street corner – Also in July, she called me and told me about things he was doing that were SO MEAN – Telling her she is ugly and he can’t even kiss her and tons of other things – She said she just started telling people – I am like you need to break up with him and move out. Fast Forward to August – I get married on 8/21 and she texts me on 8/22 saying she is engaged. Now the wedding is set for Saturday of Thansgiving weekend – this year! I love my friend and have congratulated her but I really feel that this is ridiculous – he’s a mean person and she breaking up with him moved to we are engaged. I have heard other friends of hers aren’t happy either. Do I just realize this is what she wants to do and not say anything? At this point even if I do say something, the wedding is happening, so I probably just shouldn’t dampen her spirit and be happy for her..It’s just soooooo hard.
Post # 3
These are the worst situations. If you say something, you risk losing her as a friend. Is it worth the risk? That’s the big question. Also, even if you DID say something, will she listen? Probably not.
I personally would support her and just be there for her. Now, if she DOES ask for your opinion, than maybe you want to say something? Good luck! Remember, it is her life and she will ultimately do what she wants. You can be her friend and support her.
Oh, if you think he may be physically abusing her in any way, THEN I would definately say something!
Edit: After thinking more and reading the following post, even if it isn’t physical abuse, it is emotional abuse…so maybe you should say something. This is tough!
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
Normally, I’d say that even if you don’t approve of your friend’s marriage, you have no right to interfere as it would just ruin your friendship. BUT, the way you’re describing his behavior almost sounds like he’s emotionally abusing her.
If it truly is emotional abuse, then maybe you should say something. But it will still probably ruin the friendship, at least temporarily. And that might be worth it to get her out of a dangerous relationship.
Do you know anyone in her family that you can talk to?
Post # 5
She fully admitted it Emotional and Psychological Abuse when I spoke to her in July – He tells her she can’t go to yoga because she a taken women and she shouldn’t be sweating and half naked. He judges her because of things in her past. Just awful things…
Post # 6
Unfortunately her mom passed away last year of cancer – I could maybe get her cousin who I sort of know to talk to her..I just think it wold do no good..
Post # 7
See, that is scary. If he’s emotionally abusive and controlling and telling her what to do, who’s to say he won’t turn towards violence? I would probably risk the potential loss of the friendship and say something. Fast forward one year: Something bad happens to her. Would you regret not trying to help her? I think that is the question you should mull over! I know it can’t be easy (I’ve never been in this situation before myself) but I think you could be the key to helping her!
Post # 8
I know what you mean – I had a friend like that too. The guy she was (and still is) with is very controlling, doesn’t like her to joke around with him or anyone else, has been physically violent with her before, and generally just doesn’t let her be her normal, fun self. They have broken up on several occasions (even broken off their engagement TWICE) and each time she seems happier and tells us all the things that are wrong with the relationship. She has also cheated on him many times, claiming it’s “out of her system” after each time. Yeah, right.
Then they get back together. Every time. We have reminded her many times about how happy she is when they’re broken up, but for some reason it has never changed anything.
I know this is kind of a brutal thing to say, but I think she’s in love with the superficial IDEA of an engagement, pretty ring, and marriage.
Anyway, I don’t have any advice, as talking to my friend has never helped, but just wanted to let you know I’ve been there. *Sigh*
Post # 9
in this situation it may worth risking ur friendship by talking to her, rather than regretting not having to talk to her after something happened. it’s so evident here that this relationship is not going to work!
is there another friend that you can team up with? by that, I mean you talking the truth to her, but the other friend taking the comfroting role (not agreeing, but being quiet, so she can turn to someone)
Post # 10
I have to say that if this guy is emotionally, physically, or verbally abusive (and it sounds like he is–at the very least he’s controlling), it is in my view very important that you give your friend unconditional love and support because one of the ways that abuse works is to isolate the victim from his/her friends.
That doesn’t, however, mean that you be all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for a wedding that you think is a bad idea. Perhaps you might want to just take her out and get her to talk about marriage–why she’s getting married, what she wants out of marriage, why this guy is the right guy for her. Sometimes when you get people to do that, you can get them to achieve a bit of self-realization. You can also delicately say “hey what’s going on–you guys were breaking up and now you’re engaged. Did something change?” and if you can, convey that IF she decides it’s not right, you will support her and help her through it. I broke off an engagement once and it was the hardest thing I ever did–I think that I would have done it a lot sooner if one of my friends had told me they would help me and support me through the process and that it was okay to do so.
But tread lightly–you want to find the right note of being a caring, honest friend; not a judgmental one.
Post # 11
I say this from experience, the bad news is she is an adult and can do whatever she wants. And she probably will not listen to you if you try to enlighten her. She has to realize this is a bad idea on her own and make the decision to leave him.
I’m not saying you should do this, but I had a friend exactly like yours and this is what happened. The more I tried to tell her it was a bad idea staying with him, the further away it pushed her from me even though she knew it was true. I became a reminder of how horrible her life really was, so she never wanted to talk to or be around me. So finally one day I went the opposite direction and actually started to point out positive things about him and their relationship. When she came to me crying saying he called her fat again and wouldn’t be intimate with her, I just said “Oh, well he’s a man and at least he is spending time with you” or something like that. Eventually my reverse-psychology method totally worked and it actually drove her away from HIM instead of me. Since there was no pressure on her to leave him, she made the decision on her own without being pushed.
Post # 12
I think you should be upfront with her both about your concerns, what she’s told you in the past, and what you see.
I think that’s your responsibility as her friend. She may listen or she may just really want to get married. But, if you don’t say anything, you are doing her a disservice.
Regardless, – I think you still support her anyway. Go to the wedding, be a good friend, and hope for the best for her.
Post # 13
Oh, wow, that’s rough!
My advice? Tell her the stuff he isn’t. Tell her she’s beautiful, smart, etc. He’s tearing her down all the time, and she won’t be able to leave him until she realizes she’s worth more than that. So, if you’re there being the voice of reason, it will help. So when she says he won’t let her go to yoga class, tell her you think that’s inappropriate, that she’s a trustworthy person, etc. If she says she wants to leave but she isn’t sure how, help her make a plan. Even saying – “I’m here for you, any time you need me” is good, you know?
Also, when she wakes up, she’s going to need your help, you know? So try not to alienate her too much.
I’ve been the one in the emotionally abusive relationship, and really, the thing that gave me the courage to leave was realizing that while he was spewing garbage about how awful I was, other people around me were telling me the opposite. I realized the problem was him, not me, and that’s when I was able to end that relationship, but it took a lot of time.
Post # 14
You should speak with her. There’s a good chance she will not listen to reason but based on what you’ve written, your friend is already in serious trouble. Support her the best you can because you are her friend but please speak up with your concerns. Good luck – it’s a very tough position to be in.
Post # 15
even if you are risking your friendship, i would advise saying something to her. it sounds like this guy probably wants to cut her old friends out of her life anyway, so you may lose her either way. it would be one thing if he just wasn’t your cup of tea, i think we all have friends that end with a guy that isn’t our favorite….but from the sounds of it, he is controlling and abusive. calling off an engagement is a lot easier than getting a divorce, i’d suggest talking to her sooner rather than later. it’s a difficult conversation to have but it sounds necessary.
Post # 16
I read through the responses and I think talking to her is the best thing you can do. When someone gets into a pattern of emotional abuse with their significant other, it’s so difficult to get out of that. The more support that she has that leaving is the right thing to do, the more confidence she’ll get to leave him.
Unfortunately, you do have to tread lightly. The minute you begin the conversation, she’s going to go on the defensive. Keep reassuring her that no matter what decision she makes, you’ll 100% stand by her. So as hard as it will be to stand by her as she continues to make her wedding plans, keep doing it. He’s going to eventually try to isolate her from her friends, and that’s when the relationship will become extremely dangerous for her. And, as much as it may pain you to do so, kill this guy will kindness. The last thing you want him to do is brainwash her into thinking that your friendship is bad for her.
I’m so sorry your friend is going through this. Just try to stick with her until she sees the light that this guy is a classic abuser!