Post # 17
Ugh… I’m in the same situation, only my friend has married him. I’ve tried telling her ego-boosting truths about what a great person she is, etc. When she smartly broke up with him over the winter, I told her that none of us had liked him from the first time we met him, that he has a creepy, creepy vibe and seems like the abusive type. She agreed. I told her that we didn’t say anything because we weren’t sure it was our place, and I asked whether she would have wanted us to. She surprised me and said yes. Fast forward. They got married secretly (even her mom didn’t know!) in June, then were separated in August. Now they’re back together again. So, keeping in mind what she had told me over the winter, I emailed her with links about recognizing whether you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship along with telling her that she’s wonderful, deserves the best, but that he will not change and that what he does and says is never ok. I told her that I’d always be there for her if she ever needed anything or just wanted to talk, even if she was pissed at me for sending the email. I haven’t heard back from her yet, but she hasn’t unfriended me on Facebook, so…
@Mrs. Alias: I think I’ll try your method next. Hope it works!!! Hope I get the chance….
Post # 18
I went through this last year with one of my FI’s cousins. When she got engaged to her now husband, he was a drug user, physically abused her once, and was very jealous of her friends. He even called my Fiance up one night demanding to know who he was because he was a male listed in her phone! Did I mention that she had a 2 year old little boy from a previous relationship the whitnessed some of this? Yeah.
After a lot of talk from other family members about how much they were worried about her marrying him, my Fiance decided to contact her and tell her his concerns. She was apalled and decided she didn’t want anything to do with him. Or me. She uninvited us to the wedding and ceased all methods of contact that we had. It was heartbreaking because my Fiance and his cousin were so close.
They have started talking recently and apparently her husband has since gotten off drugs, stopped dealing, and they now have a child together. I’m glad that everything turned out positive for her. Also, despite the hurt feelings and loss of communication with her, neither my Fiance nor I regret voicing our concerns.
If this is something that you think could be dangerous, I say let her know that you love her and are always there for her. Tell her that you recognize the fact that he has been abusive in the past, and that your house is somewhere she can stay if she decides to leave him. A lot of people that are in abusive relationships don’t leave because they feel abandoned and have no where to go. If you keep the conversation loving and on a positive note, she MIGHT not take it offensively.
I apologize for the length of this comment…these kinds of things hit close to home and I am offering up the advice I have. Don’t let her think you’re pushing her away, she WILL need you. It may be later rather than sooner, but when it happens, it’s important for her to know that you’re there for her.
Post # 19
I would tell her how you feel. That way you won’t feel as guilty later when he hurts her.
Still be there for her, even if she goes through with the wedding. When I was in a bad relationship, and got proposed to, I said yes…but my gut knew it was wrong. I just kept going with it, because I was too weak to stop it…and nobody else was telling me “HEY he’s a drunk ass! Don’t marry him!”
Somehow I grew a pair on my own, and broke that one off. I told ALL my family and friends “if I ever get into something like that again, TELL ME” …they all said “well, I wanted to tell you, but…” NO BUTS. You’re her friend, it’s your job to warn her, protect her, and possibly pick her up when it’s all over.
Post # 20
I didn’t really read through all the responses, so I apologize if I’m just repeating things.
I think that as a friend, you do have the right to say something to her. But you need to be direct, say it only once, and if she doesn’t want to hear it, be ready to drop it forever and then just support her. But approach it as a concern for her – say something like “I’m just curious, what’s the rush?” and “Has something changed from a few months ago when you told me about your relationship? That had me concerned.” See how she reacts and then act accordingly. If she gets angry, that’s not your fault – you have to do what you think you can live with.
Post # 21
Man, I am torn. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, but I hid it. I think the fact that she’s telling you these things means that a substantial part of her really wants help to get out of it. Thinking back, I think that if somebody had whispered in my ear and said “It’s going to be okay, you can leave and start a happy life,” maybe I would have heard them…really listened and heard. I don’t know for sure, though. I didn’t end friendships with anybody because they didn’t like him or vice versa, but I certainly did isolate. I remember thinking how perfect our relationship would be if we could just exist on a deserted island, because then there’d never be anybody else to worry about, to hide from. I am going to say that you should talk to her, but be prepared for her to get upset or distance herself. When you talk to her, don’t say “I don’t like him. You shouldn’t marry him,” rather say “You deserve to be truly happy. I love you. I care about you. I’m here for you. Please know that you deserve better.”
Post # 22
I know it’s hard because you risk losing the friendship, but you are being a better friend by telling her how you feel. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all and you should at least try to get her to see that. If she gets defensive, then back off and just try to be “happy” for her. Some people have to find out the hard way that they are in sucky relationships. You ultimately can’t make the decision for her, she has to see it for herself, but personally I would be racked with guilt if I never said how I felt
Post # 23
One of the things an abuser always tries to do is separate the victim from her friends and family. It sounds like she doesn’t have family to speak up for her, all she has are her friends. I think it’s very important that you talk to her about it. Tell her that you love her and are worried about her. Give specific examples of things she has talked about that disturb you. Give her the contact info for an abuse hotline. Tell her that ultimately this is her decision, and you will always be there to support her no matter what. If she feels that she can overcome everything, then you will be there for the wedding to support her. (Leaving the abuse helpline contact info is important because it gives her an objective person to go to about what’s going on, so she won’t feel pressured or judged.) I was in an abusive relationship once, and it took a counselor pointing it out to me for me to see it. Without the support of friends, it is almost impossible to get away from a situation like that.