I'm not in dad's wedding/feeling hurt and sad

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3708 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I’m sorry you’re hurting. That is a really shitty thing they did by only excluding you. It would be one thing if none of the children were involved, but you are singled out and that’s a terribly inconsiderate thing to do. I honestly would have a hard time not expressing my hurt feelings to my dad. You’re his child, even as an adult, and you should be able to tell him when he’s hurt you.

Post # 3
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee

Seems like he didn’t push his Fiance to include you as a bridesmaid although he included her sons as groomsmen. That is very inconsiderate of him.  I’m sorry. 

Post # 4
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

I disagree that bringing it up won’t help. Open communication is almost always best. Even if it doesn’t result in you being in the wedding, I think it would be good to sit with him and explain to him how hurt you are by being the only one left out, and listen to what he has to say in response. It could be something he did intentional (personally knowing that for sure would be better than being left wondering), or it could be that he didn’t even think of it, or it could be he thought of it b it thought you wouldn’t care for whatever reason.

Post # 6
Member
782 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry you’re hurt, honestly my feelings would be hurt as well. I think you should talk with your dad and tell him how you feel. Whether it changes anything or not at least you’ll let your feelings be known. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee

Presumably all of you kids are now grown or at least older except likely the ring bearer?  Presumably you have a pretty good relationship with your dad normally and are on good terms with his soon-to-be wife?

Ordinarily, no one is owed a spot in anyone’s wedding, but when it parents marrying and it is clear the wedding party is kids only (vs. A mix of BFFs and siblings or other close family and kids) and you’re the only one excluded then that seems pretty shitty.  It seems like they wanted to keep same-gendered parties on either side and have even sides and the consequence of that is you get the short end of the stick.  Certainly not the way I would have done it, but I’m not a fan of making wedding party decisions based on aesthetic reasons like having matching genders or even sides anyway – I think each kid should just stand on the side of their parent regardless of evenness or genitalia.

I’m normally not a fan of questioning wedding party decisions (again, no one is owed a spot) but since it is a parent and all of the kids minus you are involved, I would have zero qualms just saying “Hey dad, it looks like all of the other children have a role in your wedding party and I’m really hurt that you have chosen to exclude me.”

Post # 8
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - Louisiana

I would absolutely express my feelings and honestly I wouldn’t attend the wedding. I would be too hurt and wouldn’t want to be hurt further and wouldn’t want to be a sore in their wedding. I wouldn’t want people approaching me asking questions digging the dagger deeper. 

Post # 9
Member
7224 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I generally don’t think it’s a case of all siblings need to be included or none of them. But I do feel that way with kids – if people are getting married and their kids are going to be in the wedding (and relationships are good), it’s better to include all of the kids if possible.

How disappointing that your father just let this happen, though. I would send him a message saying “I’m really curious how you and X came to an agreement to include every single one of your kids in the wedding except me and how you didn’t see a problem with that.” Especially given the fact that her kids are standing up as groomsmen on your father’s side. That makes it even worse.

And then I would think deeply about whether or not I could attend and be okay. If I could, I would. If I could not, I would make some other, amazing plans for that weekend and be unavailable. I don’t think kids need to sacrifice their own well being for the sake of their parents’ bullshit.

Post # 12
Member
4134 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I would say something. You’ll hold onto this resentment forever. 

Post # 13
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

View original reply
sarm101 :  Oh bee I am so sorry. I think it is very shitty of both of them to not include you. I don’t think by not expressing yourself to them is good though. Even though things won’t change you still have a voice. Tell them you are hurt. Let them know bee. It doesn’t matter if you were away at college while the other’s were close by. You are still 1 of 8 of their kids. I would never ever ever do that. Big hugs to you.

Post # 15
Member
2656 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
sarm101 :  Have you thought about just asking the two of them? “Did I do something wrong that you’re not including me in your wedding like the rest of my siblings and future step-siblings? I thought we all have a very good relationship, and I’m confused and a little hurt by this.” 

In the long run, it’s going to cause more problems for you to push this under the rug and build resentment. Likewise, not showing up without having communicated about this first is childish. 

You’re an adult, Bee. Ask them what the deal is. Maybe they thought you wouldn’t want to be lumped in with all of the younger kids, and they thought it very wrongly. You will never know unless you ask. 

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