I'm not in dad's wedding/feeling hurt and sad

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
7224 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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sarm101 :  Worse in what way? You aren’t the cause of the rift here. They are. If you choose to stay home, that just acknowledges the impact of their choice (rather than pretending you are okay with their ill considered, hurtful plan.) Her youngest daughter could have been a junior bridesmaid/flower girl. There should have been room for you in the wedding.

I do think you should say something, though. This feeling isn’t just going to magically go away.

Post # 18
Member
2070 posts
Buzzing bee

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sarm101 :  You have legitimate reasons to be upset that you weren’t included.

Talking to them might not fix things to the point that you let go of the resentment, but it could help. What won’t help and will only hurt you is not talking to them about it and holding the hurt and resentment and stress inside yourself. 

I’d approach it the way 

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bouviebee : has suggested. I’ve found that it’s better to approach situations like this without assuming that someone did something to hurt you (even if that is most likely what they did). So I’d say approach it that way, from a curious/concerned perspective, which will allow you to gather more information about how this happened.

Post # 19
Member
13558 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You should absolutely express the way you feel to your father. It’s probably not personal, though. My guess is the bride is just one of those dopes who believes in people as props for symmetry.

In reality, sides do not have to be even and shouldn’t be if the relationships don’t happen to work out that way. That said, what they are doing is hurtful. It’s also possible they have some other role in mind for you, which frankly is not the same thing when every other sibling is in the party. Talk to him. 

Post # 21
Member
3288 posts
Sugar bee

Joining the chorus of bees saying you should address this with your father. I feel like there has to be some reason literally every other child of your father and his fiancee has been included except you, if you’re all on good terms. Like, it’s astonishing. Anyone would be deeply hurt by this. 

Post # 22
Member
8370 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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sarm101 :  Aww, sweetie! I would be so hurt too. “Not entitled” applies when a friend picks different friends. It does not apply when it’s your father and literally every single other child of him and his fiance are in the wedding. I agree with PPs that you should let your dad know how hurt you are. 
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bouviebee : ‘s wording is perfect. I know it will be hard, but I think it’s a conversation that needs to be had. I imagine they have no idea how hurtful this was, and they should be told. If his wife was asshole enough to not want you on her side, your dad should have asked you to be on his side. At his age though, this might not have even occurred to him. If you do ask him about it (which I really hope you do) and he mentions that she only wants 3 bridesmaids, you can tell him that you would be honored to stand on his side and that people do this all the time these days. If they still say “nope, we don’t need you” — wow — I can’t even imagine and hope it doesn’t come to that. 

Post # 23
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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sarm101 :  How hurtful. I would absolutely say something directly in person to your father. 

Post # 25
Member
785 posts
Busy bee

I was just wondering how your brothers feel about this? Have you talked with them about it? Just curious because if my siblings weren’t included I would be hurt as well. 

 

Post # 25
Member
13558 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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sarm101 :  Not even an honor role or a reading? Unless they are totally clueless it’s sounding more and more likely it’s intentional. I have to agree with the approach of asking if there is something wrong. Is it possible there was some kind of unintentional offense to the fiancée? You say you’ve been away. Did you congratulate her on the engagement for example? Is there something about you, or your lifestyle they object to? 

You won’t know if you don’t ask. Nothing is set in stone. 

Post # 26
Member
2058 posts
Buzzing bee

sarm101 :  

 

Bee, when I saw the title of your thread I was expecting this to be another case of someone assuming too much or associating an invitation to be in a wedding party with a certain measure of love or value.  Those are common issues we see here.  But.. this seems to be different.  I, like you, would be hurt by the decision to invite all of the kids EXCEPT you to be in the wedding party even if I hadn’t had a burning desire to be a bridesmaid. (I’ve never craved being a bridesmaid.  It’s expensive and uncomfortable in my book).   The point here is the inevitable wondering of why invite all of the kids except one?  That’s such a bizarre decision and one can’t help but question the mentality behind it.  Even if it has nothing to do with any negative feelings toward you or lack of affection or closeness, they still had to have realized that you might feel confused and hurt.  Your dad didn’t even talk to you about it directly?  That’s crazy.  You found out about this via their wedding website, so the same time as the rest of the guests.  No courtesy to explain things privately so there wouldn’t be misunderstandings, although I don’t see what explanation they could come up with that isn’t insulting.

 

I would never throw a fit over not being invited into a wedding party.  But that is not what this is really about.  In fact, if you brought up your feeling left out and they responded after discussing it together with “ok, we’ve discussed it and we’ve decided to go ahead and let you be a bridesmaid,” it wouldn’t resolve the hurt feelings.  You don’t need an invitation to be a bridesmaid.  You need an apology and some kind of explanation.  I’d love to hear that explanation :/ I’m willing to bet that your dad’s fiance has some offense she’s harboring and not communicating.  There’s got to be something behind this.

 

In any case, I think your hurt feelings are logical and valid.  I don’t know the best course forward.  I guess I would try to talk about it with your dad from the perspective that they made a foolish, hurtful decision and they need to address it.  I would NOT under any circumstances accept a conciliatory invitation to join the wedding party.  That will confuse things and it misses the point.  You’re not desperate for a late invitation.  You’re understandably hurt by their insensitive conduct.  If a meaningful apology isn’t issued I might not attend.  I wouldn’t threaten it like some kind of drama, but I would quietly think about whether attending would actually deepen the wound as you are sectioned off from the rest of your siblings in a very public setting.  It would be conspicuous and guests would notice.  I guarantee that people would notice and wonder what’s up.  Guests would probably assume that a falling out had happened and you weren’t invited for that reason.  Your dad has to acknowledge that and that it affects you.  Your feelings are valid.

 

Talk to your dad.  Try to find out if there is an underlying issue here.  Of course leaving you out of the wedding party is not an acceptable way to handle hidden grudges, but still.  If some grievance needs addressing, better to get it out in the open.  Attending the wedding would still be up in the air.  Declining to attend is a legitimate choice as long as you don’t throw it anyone’s face like you’re Lindsay Lohan.  Licking your wounds in private, though, is normal.  Sometimes it’s a matter of privacy and isn’t a childish choice.

Post # 27
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I am sure there is more to the story

Post # 28
Member
1558 posts
Bumble bee

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sarm101 :  I suppose there’s always the option to show up in a gorgeous gown, act perfectly graciously, and let other wedding guests wonder if it was petty/irrational jealousy that led the bride to excluded the groom’s only daughter from the wedding party.

Certainly you could approach this directly, but if you are hesitant to, you could ask your grandmother who might feel more comfortable blunty asking her son why her grandaughter was excluded.

Post # 29
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

Seconding, thirding, etc. the responses that say to talk to him! Do it as simply as possible, just asking why you weren’t included without suggesting any reasons.

And if he says there aren’t any roles left, ask to walk him down the aisle and give him away, lol! (I kid, I kid)

Post # 30
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I think in this particular situation, you have to talk to your dad about this! Even grandparents are being included- and ALL other siblings!

I really suggest talking to your dad in person. Ask to meet for lunch and take a deep breath and say something like “dad, I’m so happy that you and xxxx are getting married. I support your relationship and am happy that you have both found each other. I wanted to let you know though, that when all of the other siblings were included in the wedding party except me, I felt very hurt.”

I think in this circumstance, you need to express how you feel to him- I think it is important for you and your relationship with your dad.

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