I'm not in dad's wedding/feeling hurt and sad

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

If you don’t address this, it will likely impact your relationship with your father and his new wife for the rest of your life.  As uncomfortable as a direct conversation might be, better that than a lifetime of hurt and resentment that causes an irreparable rift.  Talk to your father.

Post # 32
Member
2658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
sarm101 :  Okay, even if you don’t think age is a factor, why is it that you won’t bring this up with them? Fear of rejection? 

Let me put it to you this way. Your relationship with your dad and his new wife will be as good as ruined if you don’t ask. If you do ask, there’s a chance this was all a misunderstanding and they will make it right. If you don’t ask, you will never know. 

How ridiculous would it be if you never say anything, months go by, and then they realize you were unintentionally left out but never gave any indication you *wanted* to be included? This could happen. 

Another question on something that wasn’t clear to me. Did you find this out from the website alone? Or did you hear from your siblings that they had all been personally asked? As much as it would be silly and stupid and suck, they may have accidentally not included you in that section. 

Post # 33
Member
10407 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

 :  

What they  all said OP. Anyone would be hurt by this. I think it just possible they thought  your being the eldest meant you would’t mind, but even if they did, one of them should have explained. 
l absolutely think you should ask your dad, upfront, ‘ l have to ask dad, why you and fi have excluded me, and only me , of all your children from the wedding party?  I am really hurt by it” 

View original reply
sarm101 :  

Post # 34
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

For what it’s worth, I’ve been through something similar. I was a teenager when my dad married his second wife. My younger brother and I were not even invited to the wedding. After a few months had passed and I could speak to him without spitting venom I asked him why we weren’t there on his special day. His flimsy excuse was that he didn’t think my mom would have allowed us to go. It was utter nonsense and I eventually got over it. You asked for advice so here’s what I suggest. When you can approach your dad calmly, without anger or accusations have an honest conversation with him about how this made you feel. Use “I feel” instead of “you did” or “you did not” statements. Be gentle when speaking about his new wife. Even the slightest hint of animosity could make him defensive and then he won’t hear you moving forward. Ask for facts. Why was I excluded? Was there a possibility that I was simply overlooked? Is there any way that I can still participate in this wedding? If you wait until after the wedding to have this conversation ask him what you can do to feel more connected to him and his new wife. (If that’s even what you want). Be honest about your feelings. Dad, I think it’s pretty crappy that I didn’t get to be included. I love you but this hurts. Then let it go. Decide to forgive him whether he apologizes or not. I don’t know how your relationship with her is- if you’re close enough that can even sit them both down together. If you go that route wait until after the wedding. In any case choosing to forgive them will give you peace so that you can be around them in the future. I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. It does hurt and it’s ok to tell them that. Sending you hugs.

Post # 35
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

Definitely ask your dad directly. Best of luck!

Post # 36
Member
274 posts
Helper bee

OP, you don’t have to say that you are hurt as it get get uncomfortable for you. However, like other pp suggested, you can approach this from a curious perspective and tell him that you were wondering why you were not included. Don’tput him in the defensive end. May be they have a good reason or it was not intentional. Give your dad a chance to explain before reacting. He might surprise you. 

Post # 37
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee

I’m usually the one to keep feelings to myself but I think in this case I would bring it up with my dad. It doesn’t have to an a confrontation but just “all the other children are in the wedding. I’m wondering why I’m not included”

Post # 38
Member
8373 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am so sorry that your dad and his fiancee were unable to see how this situation would be hurtful to you.

I married for the first/only time in my 40s, and my DH has four kids. Despite the fact that I have many friends, I included DH’s two daughters (at the time ages 13 and 23) and his daughter-in-law on my side for our wedding. Although there were some additional friends whom I would have liked to have included as bridesmaids, none was more important than my new family. 

It makes me sad for you that you’re in this position. I definitely would say something to your father about how you are feeling, and I hope that your dad and his future wife move quickly and lovingly to rectify the situation. You should not have to feel like an outsider at a wedding that includes everyone else in your new, blended family. 

Post # 39
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

I’m sorry if someone else already mentioned this, but I’m surprised none of your siblings have said anything to your Dad yet. If I found out my sister was left out of my dads wedding, I’d contact him immediately for answers!  Have your siblings said anything to you yet?

Post # 40
Member
561 posts
Busy bee

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Kings7911 :  this could be a way to finding out, OP. Could you get one of your brothers to play detective for you? Get them to ask your dad wtf.

Post # 41
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

Are your father’s fiancee’s sons standing up on his side?

Post # 42
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

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sarm101 :  I really feel for you, but I’m confused about this part: “I got quite sad when they put up their wedding site and I saw the wedding party lists. So far I haven’t talked to anyone in my life about this.”

Have you heard from anyone involved who exactly is in the wedding party? I’m (naively) hoping this was an oversight where your name didn’t get added to the website properly but that you are actually in it.  Tbh, I’d clarify who is in the party first and talk to your dad or siblings first.  Then if it really is the worst case scenario, handle talking to your dad about your hurt and disappointment. 

Post # 43
Member
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
sherrybabybee : “His flimsy excuse was that he didn’t think my mom would have allowed us to go.”

Oh my god- my father gave this same excuse for not inviting me and my brother to his wedding. As an adult (and as a mother and as a mother who has planned a wedding), I have a much better understanding of the complex logistical issues it would have involved. My response was “Did you at least ask, though. At the very least, you could have tried.”

I highly doubt my mother would have allowed us to attend, but still. Damn, guy. And, yes, it took years for me to get over my hurt about that.

Dads are such dumbasses, sometimes.

Post # 44
Member
6149 posts
Bee Keeper

Since this is your father I’d absolutely say something.  

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