(Closed) I'm not looking forward to getting engaged because….

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My husband and I were very opposite originally, and his family was even more opposite of my desires than he was.  We ended up doing mostly what he wanted/what his family wanted, with only a couple compromises on my side.  It was unfortunate but the parts I compromised on I loved.  For example, I loved our coral and charcoal colour scheme, I loved the paper flowers for the tables/bridesmaids, I loved the dahlia and rose bouquet I had, I loved my dress, I loved that my sister sung our first dance song, and I compromised with my dad so he’d give a speech (he has super stage fright, but dancing was scarier for him so we had him do the speech but no father/daughter dance).  Those were all things I wanted.  Out of my husband’s desires, I loved his suit, I loved the favours he picked out and I liked his bowtie.  We had so many other things: food, venue, further decor, minister, religiousness of the ceremony, the date, etc, picked out for us and that was stressful when we originally wanted a backyard barbecue wedding with a tent on his family’s property.

I freaked out a lot about it, but overall I’d say to focus on the 2-4 things that matter THE ABSOLUTE MOST to you.  If you looked back at your wedding, what would you regret the most?  I realized I’d regret my personal flowers, my dress, my sister singing our first dance song and my dad not giving a speech, so those were what I focused on.  DH would have regretted not wearing a bowtie (he loves them!), and not inviting some more of his family, so I trimmed my guest list a bit to accomodate some more of his family since they’re closer.  Everything else?  It’s meh.  I know I might be in the minority with it, but really focus on what you want.  The other stuff is just stuff and to be honest, you’ll hardly remember it a year + later.

Post # 17
179 posts
Blushing bee

I get this. Wedding planning with two very different cultures/beliefs is one of the most difficult things. My fiance is following a lot of the Muslim beliefs & traditions in regards to the wedding, and I’m Chinese.

I knew that they would want a section for women to observe purdah, but I hated the idea of being separated from him during our wedding. I actually cried over this. My parents and family would have hated being separated as well. Our way around this is to have a section where women who observe this practice could sit, but I would not be sitting there, and none of my family or guests would either.

Now, we are facing issues of some guests saying they feel uncomfortable with our upcoming wedding. Why, because I am not sitting with the women? Our plan is to have a photo shoot during dinner anyways, so no one was going to see me during dinner time. No, there are issues anyways?

We are so over this. Piled onto the fact that his mother normally would have fielded these issues, but PASSED AWAY LESS THAN 6 MONTHS AGO. It very much seems like people are deliberately making this a difficult time for the family.

Post # 18
88 posts
Worker bee

I am LITERALLY in the same exact boat as you. I thought being engaged would be the best day ever! But then I think about all the wedding planning that my SO and I have to do and it stresses me already. He wants a big wedding, I want a small wedding. It’s so hard to compromise with him sometimes because he’s so traditional about everything. I hope it all works out for you! I know that many couples go through this so I’m sure you and your SO will figure something out!

Post # 19
7773 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I can kinda relate. I was really excited to get engaged because I want to marry my Fiance, but had always dreaded the wedding planning process due to culture clash between his fam and mine, and the fact that my family in particular is very controlling. Luckily I knew what I was getting into and there haven’t really been any surprises. The planning phase has been very stressful, not because my Fiance and I disagree on things, but because a lot of our decisions on how to do the wedding go against what our parents would like. His family is Jewish and wants a Jewish wedding….mine is super Christian and wants a pastor to officiate. We’re doing a secular service outside that one of our friends will officiate…so we’re basically pissing everyone off. 

I just keep reminding myself that in 8 months it will all be over and done. Maybe not the most romantic outlook lol but that is what keeps me going during particularly tense times with my family.

Post # 20
234 posts
Helper bee

poppy77 :  This is what I fear too. In reality, I won’t care but it will still bug me that people will think they have the right to do this.

Post # 21
5893 posts
Bee Keeper

sequinhat :  the title of this thread literally says “I’m not looking forward to getting engaged because….”  so this title either A. expresses how you feel or B. is one of those deliberately baiting titles to catch attention

Darling Husband and I differed on a number of the same issues you and your SO are butting heads over before you’re even engaged. Small to me meant 30 people- small to him meant 130 people. lol so we compromised and invited 130 people tongue-out  but he caved to me in other issues and on some we met in the middle, I don’t think any of these issues you describe should be the cause of angst, wedding planning can still be fun if both parties are willing to work as a team. 

Once you’re planning the wedding, perhaps you could each make up a ‘wish list’ of what you want and which of these are most important to you, which ones you’re most flexible on. A few issues may have to be changed for both of you- ie if a venue is booked, if another idea isn’t financially do-able etc. Pick a time when you’re not stressed or pressed for time, have a glass of wine on the sofa or a cold beer on the patio or go for coffee @ a local coffee shop and create and compare your lists together- it can be a bonding experience rather than one that has you at each others’ throats. Good luck to you Bee. 

p.s. when he proposes, take a few days to just enjoy it in the moment and don’t even worry about wedding planning 🙂

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