(Closed) Im not sure how to handle this…

posted 5 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
888 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@MrsWinTraining2014:  Honestly, I do not blame him.  Maybe I am not very sentimental, but who would want to watch that?  I do not even want to be there myself!!!

Post # 4
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

Okay… I’m six months pregnant, and my husband doesn’t want to be in the room once I start pushing. When all of this first came up, I felt betrayed and hurt and unloved. How the hell could my husband stand outside while I’m pushing out our baby?!?! Well, i’m trying to be really accepting and understanding. He hates seeing me in pain and can’t really tolerate it well. I even said I’d get an epidural if he’d stay– which he initially agreed to, but later changed his mind.

I should add that we had this talk well before I was actually pregnant. I always thought he’d change his mind. Well, he hasn’t. He says he’ll be right outside of the door, willing to answer any questions from the doctor with my birth plan if for some reason I can’t. I’ll be honest… it still makes me cry sometimes. My brother and sister-in-law both offered to be in the room with me, and my best friend is flying out once I go into labor. But they’re not my husband. I’m trying to make the best of it and respect his wishes. If I force him to do it, it won’t end well. So I’m preparing myself for him to stand outside… while hoping he changes his mind when the time comes. 

It sucks, but I don’t want to cloud the day with negativity. If he honestly believes the best place for him is outside of the door, that’s where he’ll be. 

Post # 5
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hmm… this is a weird thing to me. I’ve never heard of a man who doesn’t want to be in the room!


I think he definitely needs to be there with you, especially if this is what you want. He needs to suck it up like a man and stop being a weenie! You both created this child together, and it’s completely sexist and stuck in the dark ages for him to leave you alone to go through this scary, new, painful process without him while he smokes a cigar in the waiting room.


My husband will definitely be there with me. Luckily he doesn’t have a problem with it. But he’ll be up at the head – no need to see all that mess down there! And if for some reason he decides to disobey my wishes and sneak a peek, his face better look like it’s freaking DISNEYLAND down there, regardless of how it looks or how he feels! Ha.


He needs to be there for you. Keep him up at your head, holding your hand. If you really want him to be there with you, you may grow to resent him if he’s not in the room during the birth.


Post # 6
2227 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I don’t blame him either. Some men don’t want to be in the room at all. For us, I’ve already told Darling Husband that I don’t want him seeing the business end of things. He has to stay at my side & not peak at my junk!!

Honestly, when you’re in the moment, I don’t think it’ll matter who holds your legs (if you choose to give birth in that position). I think it’s important to support his part of the birthing process in whatever capacity he feels comfortable participating in. At this point, you’re not even pregnant so it’s really not worth getting bent out of shape about it. In a year from now when you’re ready to give birth he might have warmed up to the idea of seeing your vagina expel a watermelon.

Post # 7
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@MrsWinTraining2014:  My ex didn’t watch either birth, he stared at my face while I pushed and held my hand. Not everyone wants to watch it. I didn’t want to watch either, though I was offered a mirror. My midwife took pictures at my first birth, panaoramic, full color, pictures. I looked at them once and promptly destroyed them. I’d rather see my child after he’s cleaned up a bit. 

Some people just don’t want to see it. And that’s what he says NOW. He might (although I wouldn’t bet on it) change his mind down the road. Honestly, you’ll be so busy, you aren’t going to notice if he looks or not. Just let this go, enjoy your time and your TTC, and then the pregnancy. This is minor in the grand scheme of things.

Post # 8
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@MrsWinTraining2014:  I do not fault your FH at all. Mine, fortunately, wants to be there with me and hold my hand, but he too said he isn’t going to watch, and I told him I wouldn’t want him to. While childbirth is a natural, beautiful thing, my husband shouldn’t have to feel “forced” to watch his baby come out. I expect him, if he is asked, to hold my leg, but he doesn’t have to watch.

Your husband isn’t saying he doesn’t want to support you or the baby. He is merely saying he doesn’t want to watch. That shouldn’t put a cloud over this whole experience one bit.

Post # 9
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Honestly, this isn’t all that surprising. Hear me out.

All we ever hear/see about childbirth (unless we’ve actually witnessed it or gone through it) is how it’s f***ing disgusting. Things are stretching and tearing and fluids are gushing and it’s just the most awful, traumatizing thing a human could ever witness. Every movie shows the husband passing out or puking or something like that when he sees the head crowning. We’re totally trained to think it’s going to be horrific, like trying to stitch a car wreck survivor back together. If that’s what your husband is picturing, then yeah, he’s not gonna want to look.

There are two keys to fixing this. One is education, which won’t happen until you’re actually pregnant. I started reading and reading about childbirth, and then I got a little bolder and started looking at the pictures, and then I realized that you know what? It’s really not that gross. Certainly nothing like the horror show I was picturing. Your husband should be involved in this kind of research anyway, since you’re both in this together — so odds are that once he learns how it ACTUALLY goes down and not just how it goes down on TV, he will be less afraid to witness it.


The other key is remembering that probably once the day actually comes and he’s actually there in the delivery room while you’re in labor, he’s going to feel differently. My husband is a nurse and has witnessed many childbirths. He still describes it as “the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen” and has said he has no plans of actually watching our child come out of me. However, I would bet you cash money that when the day actually comes, he’ll be there watching. Because it’s his child, being born. Of course he’s going to want to be in there!!! Hell, I plan to watch in a mirror and actually reach down to feel baby’s head coming out! If you’d asked me two years ago whether I had any interest in either of those things, I would have laughed. It’s so different when it’s actually happening to you.

In conclusion (sorry, this is a novel!), I wouldn’t worry about this and I certainly wouldn’t let it kill your baby fever! He will very likely change his mind, and even if he doesn’t, him sitting behind you and whispering in your ear while you push will be every bit as effective as him holding your legs 🙂

Post # 10
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@MrsWinTraining2014:  Okay, so first off I had a baby almost 10 months ago and I can understand (to an extent) your FH’s reaction. I did not want to watch my daughter’s birth myself (with a mirror) and actually told my Darling Husband that he should just stay up near my head.  lol  

It’s not just blood.  There can be feces during pushing (I told my Darling Husband that I didn’t want to know if that happened) and (full disclosure) I had a 3rd degree tear.  NOT a good scene.  My daughter was a vacuum-assisted birth and we were moments away from an emergency c-section.  I needed my DH’s focus to be fully on me and getting us through the situation.

I would be upset that your FH doesn’t want to hold your hand or support you during the delivery. That would be really disapointing.

Just remember: when you actually become pregnant, your FH’s opinion could completely change.  Also, in the moment, stuff happens.  I hope that you’re pleasantly surprised. 🙂

Post # 11
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would honestly try not to worry about it right now. A lot of times, we think we feel one way about a situation, and then when it actually happens, we feel totally different. My husband always said he didn’t want to wear a wedding ring, but once we were actually married, he changed his mind – and now he wears it every day.

I think it’s the same sort of thing – he says now that he won’t want to be in the delivery room when you have a baby, but when the time comes, who knows how he’ll feel? He might decide he wants to be there, or you might decide you don’t actually want him there after all! 

Post # 12
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My husband already told me that when the time comes he will be up by my head and stay up by my head. He says he doesn’t want to look at all down there when it happens. This didn’t really surprise me that much, but then he said there is no way he wants to cut the cord. That completely shocked me. I could not comprehend why he wouldn’t want to do it. He says he would rather a trained professional do it and he wouldn’t want everything to stop just so they can show him how to do it. I told him it is kind of a no brainer and would be easy, but he still says he doesn’t want to do it. I am still going to try and work on this one with him, but I am not going to force him to do anything he isn’t comfortable with. 

Post # 14
1390 posts
Bumble bee

Ugh. What a load of bullshit. Parenting, marriage, it’s about teamwork. Right? We are life partners. And if one of the team players has to push a baby through her privates, then the other player can, at the very least SACK THE F UP and hold your damn hand all the way through it. Birth is the most physically demanding thing most of us will ever do in our lives and it may often be one of the more dangerous things. The idea that the other partner doesn’t want to see anything ‘icky’ or that they’ll be upset by watching you in pain? Way to make the hardest thing your wife is ever going to do be about you. You know what helps alleviate pain? Support. Someone to rely on. A back massage. A foot massage. The unconditional love and strength from the person you share your life with.  If he doesn’t want to look, whatever. He doesn’t have to. But holy god. I would kick Darling Husband in the teeth if he ever said he didn’t want to be in the room or that it would upset him to see me in pain or that he didn’t want to be near me while I was delivering. F that. You want me to have your kids, you get to help me every damn step of the way because that’s what a partnership is. I can’t even fathom a man expecting his wife to carry his child for 40+ weeks and then give birth while he waits it out in the hall. No. Just. No. And what sort of shitty position does that put his wife in? UGH. I want to smack him for you and tell him, “It’s not about you. Just shut up, get in there, and thank whatever power you believe in that some wonderful woman is willing to put her body through pregnancy and labor to give you children.”

Post # 15
7219 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@MrsWinTraining2014:  My guess? He doesn’t want to have the image of your vagina gaping and tearing with his baby coming out of it the next time he goes down on you. Explain that he can be up by your head, holding your hand and he does NOT have to hold you legs open (a nurse can do that). 

Post # 16
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I don’t think this is worth worrying about right now. It is super disappointing. It almost sounds like he will be bothered by YOU not the birth. I’m sorry 🙁

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