- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2005
I made a new account…. Just need some adivce with experiences, kind words, something… Outside of my mom and sisters and my son’s Godmother I can’t talk to anyone else about it.
We have been together for 9 years. I have stood by him through everything. He has had troubles with the law but I was okay with hischoices when we met, only because I didn’t fully understand the consequences. Over the years I grew up…he got…older. I became more spiritual, set my goals in order, identified what I wantedin life….I don’t think he has even given it any thought, something that is hard to admit to myself.
I broke up with him after a year of dating and when crawling back, thinking I made a mistake, feeling likeshit for breaking his heart, regardless of my feelings and reasons for leaving. We were in limbo for a year and then got back together on my birthday. You know what I remember most, that he wanted to get me a gift and after the coversation of getting back together he decided that was my gift…HA!
Anyways, he fell on hard times, and I thinkhis family dynamics played a huge part in that. I felt like no one really cared about him and his wellbeing (still kinda do). After I got my first real job (he was unable to find work becuase of his background, but I’m sure he was also depressed) we moved in together. He later revealed to me that he knew of a type ofjob he could get but didn’t want to do it/take the bus to work.
I got pregnant soon after starting to work. I had an abortion. I have a disorder that scared me, as I could have passed it to my child, I didn’t know what would happen to me during my pregancy because of the disorder and I was uncomfortable with where our relationship was. I also felt like I had no support from my family, no one was happy for me. We fought and broke up but I felt bad and let him more back in (how could I send him to live on the couch at his mom’s house?)He was depressed and told me he tought about killing himself. He needed me, I just aborted his child, he need me, he had no one else.
Every few months we had to have a conversation about getting off the couch, helping around the apartment, finding work which ended with silence from him, a quick clean up…waiting until I went to sleep/work to play video games and me searching the web for jobs for him.
He started working with his dad, things got a little better. I was depressed about the abortion, having bad dreams and wanting to fix it some how. I had already accepted my choice to be with him despite everything. So we talked about having a baby. He said okay, I thought some more, that maybe we should wait but I was pregnant already. The preganacy started with hyperemesis and being too sick to work and ended with full bedrest. I was unable to work he stepped up and eventually I needed someone at home with me and we lived off of my disability insurance. We discussed getting married after our son was born and his family gave us some money to do that.
I have always told myself that he didn’t know how to be what I dreamed that I wanted in a partner. That I can’t dictate how someone loved me and that loving me the way they could should be enough. There have been many times that Ihave wondered about life without him or the conpromise that I was making but I made a commitment to him and wanted and still want to uphold that.
I know that I have pushed him to being who I want him to be. I have tried to change him, to fix him. I think I pushed him to propose…and that sucks. I don’t doubt that he loves me but I know that I tried to create our life and my belief in him and his potential has landed me here. A part of me wants to stay because I did this, I created thissituation, how do I leave him? Where will he go? I don’t want anything to happen to him, I want my son to have his father. And I feel like shit for thinking about doing this to my son. Everytime I look at him my heart aches, I feel selfish for wanting to leave. I can’t leave but I think I have to.
Something happened this weekend that identified the fact that he is not my husband. That though I carried a chid for him that he is not my life partner. Over these past 9 years I have thought about a fortune teller telling me about my 3 relationships, I have known he was number 2 and have created ways to make him be (some how) my number 3. Whether she was right/real or not I don’t know but I do know that I think my relationship is broken and I have been trying to patch it for a while.
When I told him how I felt he said, “Just let me know what you decide.” He didn’t fight for me, he didn’t fight for our family. He doesnt see the value in making choices that I feel are obvoius to ensure the health and stability of himself and his family. There are so many things I could say that I would do differently if I were him, but I’m me and I’m tired of trying to have him see what he needs to change and bargininng. Something he did showed me that the small changes were not because he saw the benefit for himself but because I asked him to or gave him an ultimatum, and regarless of everything he plans to go back to his prior ways if I leave him.
My heart is breaking but I realized I have felt like this before within this relationship and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. What will happen to him if I go? I already feel responsible for him and his wellbeing. How can I live with myself, forgive myself for doing this…our son is only six months old. Things are really tense right now,the energy between us is different. I’m sad and don’t want to make the next move.