(Closed) I'm not sure if we should get married anymore…

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2005

I made a new account…. Just need some adivce with experiences, kind words, something… Outside of my mom and sisters and my son’s Godmother I can’t talk to anyone else about it.

 

Anyways…here goes.

We have been together for 9 years. I have stood by him through everything. He has had troubles with the law but I was okay with hischoices when we met, only because I didn’t fully understand the consequences. Over the years I grew up…he got…older. I became more spiritual, set my goals in order, identified what I wantedin life….I don’t think he has even given it any thought, something that is hard to admit to myself.

I broke up with  him after a year of dating and when crawling back, thinking I made a mistake, feeling likeshit for breaking his heart, regardless of my feelings and reasons for leaving. We were in limbo for a year and  then got back together on my birthday. You know what I remember most, that he wanted to get me a gift and after the coversation of getting back together he decided that was my gift…HA!

Anyways, he fell on hard times, and I thinkhis family dynamics played a huge part in that. I felt like no one really cared about him and his wellbeing (still kinda do). After I got my first real job (he was unable to find work becuase of his background, but I’m sure he was also depressed) we moved in together. He later revealed to me that he knew of a type ofjob he could get but didn’t want to do it/take the bus to work.

I got pregnant soon after starting to  work. I had an abortion. I have a disorder that scared me, as I could have passed it to my child, I didn’t know what would happen to me during my pregancy because of the disorder and I was uncomfortable with where our relationship was. I also felt like I had no support from my family, no one was happy for me. We fought and broke up but I felt bad and let him more back in (how could I send him to live on the couch at his mom’s house?)He was depressed and told me he tought about killing himself. He needed me, I just aborted his child, he need me, he had no one else.

Every few months we had to have a conversation about getting off the couch, helping around the apartment, finding work which ended with silence from him, a quick clean up…waiting until I went to sleep/work to play video games and me searching the web for jobs for him.

He started working with his dad, things got a little better. I was depressed about the abortion, having bad dreams and wanting to fix it some how. I had already accepted my choice to be with him despite everything. So we talked about having a baby. He said okay, I thought some more, that maybe we should wait but I was pregnant already. The preganacy started with hyperemesis and being too sick to work and ended with full bedrest. I was unable to work he stepped up and eventually I  needed someone at home with me and we lived off of my disability insurance. We discussed getting married after our son was born and his family gave us some money to do that.

I have always told myself that he didn’t know how to be what I dreamed that I wanted in a partner. That I can’t dictate how someone loved me and that loving me the way they could should be enough. There have been many times that Ihave wondered about life without him or the conpromise that I was making but I made a commitment to him and wanted and still want to uphold that.

I know that I have pushed him to being who I want him to be. I have tried to change him, to fix him. I think I pushed him to propose…and that sucks. I don’t doubt that he loves me but I know that I tried to create our life and my belief in him and his potential has landed me here. A part of me wants to stay because I did this, I created thissituation, how do I leave him? Where will he go? I don’t want anything to happen to him, I want my son to have his father. And I feel like shit for thinking about doing this to my son. Everytime I look at him my heart aches, I feel selfish for wanting to leave. I can’t leave but I think I have to.

Something happened this weekend that identified the fact that he is not my husband. That though I carried a chid for him that he is not my life partner. Over these past 9 years I have thought about a fortune teller telling me about my 3 relationships, I have known he was number 2 and have created ways to make him be (some how) my number 3. Whether she was right/real or not I don’t know but I do know that I think my relationship is broken and I have been trying to patch it for a while.

When I told him how I felt he said, “Just let me know what you decide.” He didn’t fight for me, he didn’t fight for our family. He doesnt see the value in making choices that I feel are obvoius to ensure the health and stability of himself and his family. There are so many things I could say that I would do differently if I were him, but I’m me and I’m tired of trying to have him see what he needs to change and bargininng. Something he did showed me that the small changes were not because he saw the benefit for himself but because I asked him to or gave him an ultimatum, and regarless of everything he plans to go back to his prior ways if I leave him.

My heart is breaking but I realized I have felt like this before within this relationship and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. What will happen to him if I go? I already feel responsible for him and his wellbeing. How can I live with myself, forgive myself for doing this…our son is only six months old. Things are really tense right now,the energy between us is different. I’m sad and don’t want to make the next move.

Tagged: , ,

Post # 3
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2005

Sorry…that was the longest post of life but I needed to vent. To write my thoughts, to see them and work through it all. I need to have an outsider tell me I’m crazy or I’m right. Thanks bees.

Post # 4
Member
775 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MyHeartIsBreaking:  Sounds like he’s not a good match for you. 

If you have trouble letting him go just remember you aren’t the one putting him on his Mom’s couch… He is!  If he doesn’t want to live with mom he should man up and get a job.

Post # 5
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

You need to leave. You’re not responsible for his happiness. Getting married won’t magically fix anything. It’s unfortunate that your son is so young, but you know what you need to do. Hugs!

Post # 6
Member
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

you are not happy, you’ve tried hard enough, and it’s not working out. is a councellor an option? if not, I would leave. you just sound so unhappy, like you’d be better off single. 🙁

Post # 7
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2005

My heart is breaking…I want nothing more than for us to be a family, I love him. But it just may not be meant to be.

I have tried to get him to talk to someone, to get help, to identify what he wants to fix. I don’t think its an issue of us as a couple, or our love for eachother. He has things he needs to addressand just refuses to. He says he wants help (but that could be me pushing again, so he gave in) but he asks the wrng questions, gives it no thought. He makes up his mind that this is who he is and can’t address it. He acts like he is trying but cant do better and I know its bullshit,  Icall him out everytime he say it. I dont know why he wont do what he needs to…

Post # 8
Member
2205 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It sounds like you’ve made the decision, both in your head and in your heart. Now you just need to do it.

If he’s not fighting for you, your family, then he’s not worth any more of your time and energy. A real man steps up for his family and I’m sorry but he sounds like a giant moocher. He didnt want to take a bus to a job? yeah, no. You’ve given him a home, a family, and 100% supported him. What has he given you in return?

A partnership means 2 equal players, each giving it their all. You and your child deserve better.

Post # 9
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

((((( GREAT BIG HUGS )))))

Cause I can tell you are hurting.

First you need to realize & accept this statement

YOU CANNOT FIX HIM… HE HAS TO WANT TO FIX HIMSELF

Hard cold truth

I understand your conflict… I have been in your shoes.

I loved my Ex-Husband (an Abusive Alcoholic) very very much… TOO MUCH for my own good.

I stayed because we had kids… I stayed because he was all I ever knew… I stayed because I THOUGHT he was my whole world

I stayed because I thought I could fix him… or find someone / something that could

In reality that wasn’t true…

Leaving was hard… staying gone was harder

Being gone was a struggle… a greater struggle than just living with him and putting up with the familiar

BUT I was miserable and unhappy WITH HIM (not all the time… but too much of the time !!)

My life was heading no-where cause I was being sucked into the vortex that was him.

I knew I had to go for my own sanity

It sounds like you have come to this realization too

Sometimes as they say LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH

There are a lot more components that go into a good relationship / marriage…

LOVE – TRUST – HONESTY – CARING – COMPANIONSHIP – COMMITMENT – RELIABILITY – COMPATIBILITY etc.

Your relationship as you describe it seems to be lacking on a lot of these fronts.

So ya, my best advice is that you make a break… and go

You will find someone who is BETTER FOR YOU (promise)

And can be a stand-up Father to your Son.

You need to sit down and work on your LIFE PLAN… and make a list of what you want out of life and how to get there !!

Dr Phil has an excellent book on how to do this… “Love Smart ~ Find The One You Want – Fix the one you got”

Definitely worth a look see… there are I believe some passages / exerpts on-line… and as it has been around for awhile you might find it at your local Library or on Sale.

If you borrow one from the Library, photocopy the workshop pages, as you’ll no doubt want to do the exercises and keep track of your answers over the long term as you get yourself back on track / re-established… and moving in the right direction to finding MR RIGHT.

Hope this helps,

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 10
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

@MyHeartIsBreaking:  I can tell you care about him a lot but I don’t think this relationship is good for you nor does it make you happy. You’re pushing to get something out of this relationship that isn’t there. You want something different but want it to come from the same man. Unfortunately, I think you need a different man. Or to be alone for a little while.

It is heart breaking, and very difficult. But no matter how much you care about him you can’t “fix him” or “change him”. It just won’t happen.

Post # 11
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You say you love him, but you don’t say much in your post that shows that. I’m sure you care about him after all this time, but it honestly sounds like you pity him more than love him.  You’ve said yourself that you’ve tried to help him, but at some point, people have to be willing to help themselves first. It sounds like he needs professional help. Please don’t stay with him because you feel bad about his situation. Do something good for yourself and leave. 

Post # 12
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It sounds to me like he is ambivalent and doesn’t really care either way. He didn’t fight for you? He sees you as a pretty easy ticket off of his mom’s couch, even though that is where he might belong. That’s okay if he struggles for a bit after you break up with him, maybe he needs to hit rock bottom before he can get his act together. You are NOT responsible for his life or his feelings. What you are responsible for: you and your child and your child’s future. He is his own person and makes his own choices and you do not own those choices.

He won’t do what he needs to do because he doesn’t have to. It sounds like he has a pretty sweet life for himself – and he has to do minimal work to maintain it. I don’t even think counseling is a solution – you’ve already said he realizes that he needs to change but isn’t willing to put in the follow through to actually do so.

You and your babe will be okay in the end. Good luck. As previous posters have said, marriage isn’t going to fix anything. It will probably only make things worse in the long term and will be even more difficult to leave.

Post # 13
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Sorry you are going through this. All I can say is sometimes love isn’t enough. If I were you I would take a good chunk of time, like six months. Take a break from him, take time to heal yourself, and work on your own life. It’s been nine years and he had ample oppertunties to change, at a certain point you have to look at him and his behavior and understand that if you stay with them that you are signing up for a life like that.

 

Six Months will allow you breathing room, time to live without him, and you may be surprised at the peacefulness in your life without having him around dragging you down. He may get himself together in that time or not, but you will have I think a clearer head to make a firm final choice about your life and relationship.

Remind yourself, that you arne’t responible. It sounds like you been cleaning up his mess for years, at this point he is a grown man and he needs to decide if he is going to sink or swim on his own.

 

Post # 14
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

There doesn’t seem to be very much of a question here. You need to leave him. All the guilt, etc, that come with that will definitely affect you when you make this decision, but do it now. There is absolutely NO benefit to prolonging what you already know you must do. The person you need to be thinking about is your child.

I really wish you well. You have a hard road ahead of you, but I think you can walk away with your head high. You tried harder than most would have.

Post # 15
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2005

Thanks everyone

@FutureMrsBex:  I can see where you are coming from, my post is very negative. He has supported my dreams. He is honest with me. He motivates me to be better, to believe in myself. He makes me laugh and when things are good, it just feels easy. He is very loving and he is a great father to our son. He makes me feel like I am an amazing woman…but he has told me that he thinks a deserve better and that I am too good for him. Everyone tells me how much better he is with me.

Post # 16
Member
1033 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MyHeartIsBreaking:  I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you dont need advice because you have already made up your mind. I think its just following through with what’s in your heart and it sounds like you’re hoping for some support to do that. Well thats what everyone here is for! 🙂

I also think that one of the things you feel bad about is that you say he loves you in his own way and you have tried to tell yourself that should be enough. One of the key things in this life is that you can’t change is how someone defines their core values. How someone defines love, what it means and what it entails is not something you or anyone else can change. So yes, he may love you. But his definition of love is clearly not the same definition as yours.  That is NOT something you should feel guilty about. You deserve someone who defines it the same as you, who gives the same as you and who strives and fights for the same as you. 

You are NOT responsible for his life or his life choices. You are only responsible for yours and teaching your son how to strive for the best in this life and be true to himself as he grows up.

 

*sending lots of hugs and strength*  

 

Edit: I just read your update and I think that just further backs up what i said above. He does not sound like a bad person and I think he does care about you. It just sounds like the things that you both view as important and care about are categorically different. Especially how you go about defending, fighting for and ensuring these things. (ie. love, ambition, spirituality). It doesnt make you right or him wrong – just maybe not right for each other. And yes, you absolutely still do deserve someone who has similar core values to you and defines them in the same way. 

 

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