Post # 1
My boyfriend (M23) and I (F21) are both classical musicians, and we have been dating for three years this past Thursday. We both know that we want to stay together and at this point I’m just waiting for him to propose (he says he is waiting until I graduate college this May, which is fine by me). I’m taking a year off before I go to graduate school to save up some money, while he’s about to begin his first year of Masters.
He has accepted a teaching assistantship for his Masters degree several hours away from our home state which will begin in August, and I want to go with him, but I don’t want to go unless I’m married to him for several reasons, the biggest being that I’m not following someone who hasn’t *fully* committed to me, and that my parents are conservative concerning cohabitation, and I respect that.
I have never wanted a huge wedding, but where I am financially right now, all I could afford is an “elopement” with just immediate family (nether of us have big families anyways). I also have several friends planning bigger weddings at the moment and I’m honestly turned off by how stressed they are about things like guest lists, venues, etc-all things I just don’t want to deal with at this stage in my life. I’m basically between degrees right now, saving all I can for grad school, and just trying to graduate.
So basically, what I’m asking is, is elopement worth it? In my situation I feel like it’s my only option but I secretly wish to have a small wedding. I could always have one later on but I don’t know if that’s the same as having “just one” ceremony. I’ve been comforted by others’ posts on here but I feel like I’m in a unique situation. My family is not wealthy, either, so I often feel slightly embarrassed to say I can’t afford a wedding, especially since in my field I’m often surrounded by people who have a lot of money. My friends are planning weddings that literally have me in awe of the prices!! Sometimes I wonder if I’m also wanting to elope to avoid feeling ashamed about having a tiny wedding. So I don’t know if it’s worth it to just hold off on marriage, stay home, and have a wedding later….
i just can’t think clearly! Sorry this is long-but any advice anyone has for me would be truly appreciated!
Post # 2
Does he want to get married too? I personally wouldnt move away with him either if I did not have a commitment. You are both still very young and I would not rush in to marriage just for the sake of demographics.
Post # 3
I think you’re right to hesitate to go with him unless you are married. But, this means you will have to be married in the short term. So, it is up to you. You can do a courthouse wedding and have a lovely lunch or dinner afterward. You could go fancier on the lunch/dinner since the wedding will cost almost nothing. You can elope just the two of you for now and hold a future ceremony or reception. If I had eloped, we would have had a weddingmoon overseas. I could have done quite a bit with my budget for my smaller US wedding. We had 45-50 people attend. We paid for everything ourselves. I am actually proud of that. I am proud that I am independent. It was wonderful to have the wedding of my dreams and not the dreams of my family or whoever was helping to pay. There is nothing to be embarassed about. But, I would advise you to be 100% certain you want to be married now. A compromise would be to have a long engagement while you guys are in school, assuming yo ucan both handle LDR.
Post # 4
Don’t be embarrassed about not being able to afford a blow-out wedding. How many of your early 20’s friends are paying for an extravagent affair using their own funds? I would guess very few, if any. If you want a small wedding, would you be willing to move in with you Boyfriend or Best Friend if you are engaged? Then you could plan for a modest wedding and save for a year or so to have it.
Post # 5
I think that you have a few options with your elopement/courthouse wedding or if you decide to have a small wedding. The focus should be about the two of you getting married and not so much how much you spend on the wedding. Hopefully you don’t have anyone that will be judging you or your wedding based on how much you spend. You can have a small wedding just decide how much you want to spend and how many guest you want to invite. Small to me would be a guest count under 30 people but I know people have different opinions on what is small. You would just have to decide what is important to the two of you. If you go the courthouse you could still purchase a wedding dress, have a photographer take pictures and have a few family and friends and then go to a local restuarant for a nice dinner reception and still have a wedding cake. An elopement would depend on where you want to elope and what type of elopement celebration you want. You could get married on the beach or any other venue with a small group of people. My sister had a destination wedding at the beach and have about 40 people and we celebrated at a local restuarant and she had the wedding cake delivered to the restaurant. If you want to have a small wedding look into beach wedding or even the mountains. My fiance and I were going to have a small destination wedding in the mountains with a small group of people around 40. I would suggest looking at the cost of these options that are available to you once you two decide on when you will get married if it is before or after the move. I hope this helps. I think the two of you need to decide on when you want to get married.
Post # 6
I think the bigger Question ist: Does your future husband want to get married now, too?
Does he share yours and your parents believes about living togehter out of wedlock?
Do you want to hurry along a relationship/ marriage based on the fact, that you can´t be together without a wedding band on your finger and that without these circumstances he wouldn´t have asked you the big question?
Would it be possible for you two to make a long distance relationship work? So that you could stay with your original plan?
What is your boyfriend´s opinion on all this?
If we don´t know where he stands we can´t really help you.
If it was all up to you and you wouldn´t need to consider your parent´s opinion, what would you wish for?
Post # 7
Oh, I am so sorry that I totally forgot to add his side! He is sure about our relationship and he has said he wants to propose when I graduate. He wants me to go out of state with him and he is okay with elopement. It’s just a huge decision so I’m basically just rambling on here, haha, but it helps to get some other opinions besides ours.
Post # 8
ok, so would he want to elope or rather wait until you graduate? Being ok with something isn´t the same as wishing it to be like it.
Would it be an option for you to just do a smal courthouse ceremony and do a big church wedding some time after your graduation? so you could save money for a modest and nice church wedding and be married right away so that you could go with him now?
Personally, i wouldnßt get married for the reason to be allowed to live with my boyfriend, but i live in Germany and it seems there are really some cultural differences.
Post # 9
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
unicornpoop : Would you and your family be OK with cohabitating and following him if you are engaged? I feel that it may be your best compromise to not follow someone who is not comitted, but also not rushing into marriage.
Post # 10
I hesitate to speed up a marriage just so that you can feel better about moving to be with him. Could you move with him but keep up your own life? Is there any particular reason why you have to stay in your current location? Since your goals for this year are just short term, it could be reasonable just to move with him for this year, and then see what happens with your relationship and with your graduate school prospects.