(Closed) Advice needed! Commitment phobe comes around???

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You only started dating him a year and a bit ago and he said that he needs to get all of his financial ducks in a row – yet he already owns several homes? Thats a bit contradictory….

The love has ALWAYS been there because you have only been together a shower while. What happens when he feels out of control and dumps you. Or moves in and becomes common law with you and then owns part of your home (I dont know where you live how the laws work however)

I don’t know. I think that you should be cautious with moving too quickly with a guy like this. Quitting his job. Moving. Getting engaged. That’s A LOT.

Post # 6
Member
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

This is a tough one. Sounds like you guys really love each other, but it must be hard for you to feel comfortable committing. I say agree to moving in, but set the date 2 or 3 months out and see how things go during that time.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@whatsbest:   I say go with your gut on this.  It seems as though you told him where you stood, you were firm about it, gave him some space and it worked!  It seems you planted the seed inside him to realize what is really important to him for his life (as every wise woman should) and he chose life with you.

Go for it, you have a good head on your shoulders and you have a back-up plan in mind.  You’re a strong woman.

You love this man.  Trust him, give him the benefit of the doubt, and give him the chance to prove what he’s saying is true. 

I wish you all the best!!

Post # 8
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@whatsbest:  This is a tough one. If I were you I would wait for a ring before you move in together. Seriously. I think you need more than ‘let’s move into one of my homes together’ as a commitment. If you give him some time – like don’t expect an engagement right away – then you will know if he is serious. He will have some time to process it. In the meantime, show him you can have a fun, independent life. Let him miss you. Do your own thing. You can still be together, but he isn’t the be-all and end-all.

I moved in with a commitment phobic guy and all it led to was more heartbreak. It’s possible that he is missing you right now and will say anything to get you back. I can almost bank on the fact that if you move in together he will say ‘babe. I just made a huge commitment to you by moving in. Can we slow this down a bit?’. I’m not saying he’s a player or a bad person, but I know the type. You need to protect your best interests.

Have you had chats about your future? Retirement? Kids? Religion? Money?

This might work out, but I’d just be very careful.

ETA: I will also bet if he’s THAT concerned with his $$$ he will want a pre-nup. You might want to get that discussion out of the way as well…

Post # 9
Member
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

And thinking about it- you’ve been together almost 2 years. You’re right, at this age it’s appropriate to be talking marriage and looking towards the future.

Post # 11
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@whatsbest:  I’d be careful with a do or die timeline, but if he’s 40 and you’re 34 and you’re both talking kids, I would make it very clear that this isn’t something that can take more than a year. Don’t throw out any “I want a ring on my finger by X date”, though… it could backfire. Be a bit more subtle.

If you tell him you won’t move in until you’re engaged, it will really make him think about it, and he will be forced to make a decision. To make all that money he must be a pretty smart guy, and he knows what’s at stake. He just needs to bite the bullet I think. By not moving in, you’re subtly issuing that ultimatum. You’re showing him that you respect yourself and that you won’t let him have the easy way out.

It does sound like you two are well matched, you just need to ensure that he is doing the right thing for YOU.

Post # 12
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

I guess I’m the lone voice of dissent here because I say don’t waste your time on this guy. He’s FORTY and he still doesn’t feel like he is ready to get married? After almost 2 years together to boot? Of course he has “come around”, he wants you back in his life on his terms!

The breaking up all the time and back and forth is a huge red flag. It shouldn’t be so hard to be with someone. It doesn’t even sound like this guy wants to be with you considering he was totally fine with you being on a dating website.

RUN, don’t walk!

 

Post # 14
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

@whatsbest:  Hey how are you? I signed up just so I could talk to you whatsbest. I read this thread and wanted to reply. I am involved with a commitment-phobic girlfriend. Well…not right now. She broke up with me AGAIN last week. I haven’t heard from her since. The weekend before the breakup we had a great time together. we went to look at Christmas lights,I made us a special thanksgiving dinner. It was such a great and memorable time. But we were only together for 3 days before ahe broke it off again.

We have been together for 11 months. The first 6-7 months were pretty good but after that it started to get rocky. She started doing the push/pull thing with me. She kept telling me that she loved spending time with me but it never happened. I saw for 4-6 hours per week. After being with each other for 10 months, that’s ridiculous!

The last couple months were ok..we started talking about marriage. At the end of a october we went to look at rings. 4 days later she freaked and dropped the bomb on me telling me that she wasn’t ready for marriage although the last 4 months of the relationship she said that she was! At that point,she started sabotaging,trying to find faults in me etc.

We broke up a lot too just like you two,but she would always come running back within a day begging me not to leave her. But after the commitment talk started, i noticed that she started getting distant. I would get aggravated that she kept telling me that she would spend more time with me and she wouldn’t,so i would break up. She kept telling how much she loved me, couldn’t love her life without me,blah blah blah And kept running back. Like an idiot I believed her and kept taking her back.

I love her so much and I never thought that I would find someone who I would click with so well. She started telling me how she had a bad childhood,her parents fought constantly and she took that into her 17 year marriage. Since her divorce 5 years ago,she told me that she has had a lot of FWB relationships,and that I am her first “real boyfriend Since her divorce. She supposedly started therapy last week but who knows if she will stay with it because ironically,that takes commitment!

I am writing this to tell you to PLEASE be cautious of this man. Right now I feel like my heart was ripped out and it sucks! Id hate for it to happen to you as well. I would watch hom very carefully if he starts getting distant toward you and starts doing the CP dance (push/pull/on again off again) stuff.

Watch to see if he starts finding faults in you and starts sabotaging the relationship. These are huge red flags. Commitment phobes are notorious for breaking up and coming back over and over again…and they are also notorious for cheating! I’m not trying to scare you…but I have suspicions of my ex cheating on me. What a horrible feeling!

I would love to chat with you more if you would like. Now that I have an account,I will be here for you if you need to talk or get any input. But do yourself a favor…read and knowledge yourself on commitment phobia and the patterns. From what I have read,these people will hurt you over and over again until you put a stop to it. All they care about is themselves. I haven’t heard from my ex girlfriend in a week now. But with her being a commitment phobe…it’s hard for them to stay in a real relationship and equally as hard to walk away from it. PLEASE…ease caution! 

Post # 15
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

OMG! Sorry for all the typos…I was typing from my phone lol

Post # 16
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Don’t just go back to him. Make him WIN you back. I definitely would not move in without a ring, and I wouldn’t be exclusive with him until you know exactly when to expect that ring by. If you want a family, this guy is definitely a huge risk, and should be treated as one. Leave your options wide open until he decides to permanently make you his only option.

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