Post # 32
Darling Husband isn’t this bad, but he’s a school teacher so he gets the summers off. I still work full-time. Yesterday I went in early (530am) and didn’t get to leave until 430. I was exhausted by the time I got home but what was the first question he had when I got home? “what’s for dinner?” WTF?! His feet are up on the coffee table, laptop on his lap and the tv on…. I should be asking him what’s for dinner.
Post # 33
I am so happy that someone posted about this! Seriously, I feel for OP! My guy is nowhere near as bad–and he does work long hours (10+ hours a day). But you know, sometimes, I don’t want to make dinner. And I get really tired of working my a$$ off around the house (after a long work week too) and he’s sitting on his butt watching TV while I clean the ENTIRE house. Yeah.
Post # 34
Oh, geez. That wouldn’t ever fly in our house. Ever. And I AM a stay-at-home-wife.
My husband likes to cook, so he cooks and does dishes (non-negotiable on the dishes part… I do laundry, he does dishes. That is our agreement). I will occasionally make something for him, but to be honest, I prefer baking and he is a better cook than me. However, I still have to come up with what is for supper because otherwise it’d be ramen or spaghetti or alfredo every night. 🙂 Plus, I can’t go two hours without eating, so you’d best believe that I’d have food for myself for a weekend without him.
I can’t believe you never told him off before honestly! Good work! Maybe he will man up and realize that he isn’t an infant!
Post # 35
My Darling Husband is kinda the same (not with the not changing or showering or tidying… but with the eating). I just learned that he basically does not value food. He doesn’t really know how to cook and he doesn’t care *enough* about eating something decent to make that happen. If I don’t pack his lunch, more often than not he’ll just not eat (and he doesn’t eat anything for breakfast so he goes all day without eating until dinner). On the rare occasions where I don’t plan for dinner (like if I’m sick or ate out or something) he will usually eat SOMETHING but it probably won’t be “real food.” It’ll be like, half a bag of chips and a handful of sour patch kids. Or he’ll stop for fast food on the way home from work. It is kind of annoying but its just a values issue in my mind. I value us eating somewhat nutritious food at regular intervals. He doesn’t. I’m not going to change his mind about this so I just don’t even try.
At first I did think he was trying to guilt me and I got a little pissy about it… like “It’s really wrong for you to try to make me feel guilty about not making you dinner ONCE by sitting here eating crap.” But then I realized he really wasn’t trying to make me feel guilty he just really didn’t care enough about eating real food to make that happen. So now I cook most of the time because I’m the one who cares (and does dishes every night!) and on the nights I have no intention of cooking I try to let him know in advance so he can stop on the way home from work. I do wish he cared more about eating better when I wasn’t making food for him but he’s an adult and I don’t need to micromanage his eating.
ETA: I totally get why you’re on strike but I guess my point was that I think identifying the “problem” is more important than the punishment. Does he just not care that much about eating? Is he just lazy about it? Or does he believe that its your “job” to feed him? On the hygiene issue– that is non-negotiable. He needs to agree to keep himself clean. On the food issue, perhaps you could come to an agreement that you will generally cook and he will generally X and when you’re not able to cook he will eat or not eat but STFU about it. 🙂
Post # 36
@CorgiTales: I’m very similar to your husband when it comes to food and my Fiance is very similar to you. He loves food, particularly healthy food. I could eat Chef Boyardi or Mac’n’Cheese every night and be fine with it. Sometimes I won’t eat if he’s not there because I just don’t feel like it.
When Fiance doesn’t feel like cooking we usually go out (which is rare) but I don’t whine to him that I’m hungry when he comes home late and I haven’t eaten. I’m the one coming home late everyday, though, so usually he’d rather get dinner started than wait for me to get home and have me do it or cook together. I tend to be the one who cleans the apartment so it works out. Chores, cooking included, need to have a balance to them.
Everyone needs to put in their fair share. Fair is relative to each relationship (ie one partner works more hours at their job so the other pitches in a bit more with hoursework, etc) but it needs to be something both of you are comfortable with. I applaud you for going on strike, soyjoy222. Hopefully it will kick your your Fiance into gear and make him realize that you need to at least have a discussion about this and that he needs to take a shower more than once every 48 hours.
Post # 37
So proud of you! Stick to your guns!
Post # 38
Does he not know how to drive to a restaurant? And he didn’t even change clothes? Wow.
Post # 39
One thing that has worked out pretty well for me and my Fiance is pre-planning everything. He isn’t incapable of cooking, but if I just ask him to make something for dinner, he is lost – he doesn’t really know what he should make. So, on Sunday nights, I work up a meal plan for the week and write it on a white board on our refridgerator. It’s been working especially well right now, because I’m working a part-time job a few nights a week, so he knows exactly what to make. He has a lot of issues with timing and multi-tasking in the kitchen, but even if he just does the prep work of getting everything ready for me, it still goes a lot faster. I know this isn’t exactly the same as your situation, but maybe you could try something similar, just leaving ideas and instructions?
Post # 40
@greenmint: I love that idea! I think I might have to try that!
Post # 41
I was really hoping for an update on this…
Post # 42
WOW! I’m so proud of you for actually standing your ground! My Fiance is VERY similar. Almost the exact same thing happened to me when I got back from visiting my sister for the weekend.
I’m so glad you posted this because just last night after I had a long tiring day at work I was thinking: I hope in my next life I can be a guy so I can come home to a home cooked meal EVERYday and have a magically clean house and my clothes will magicaly wash and hang themselves back in my closet…
Post # 43
OMG everyone! I did not expect this much interest.
He had to make himself eggs last night, again…at least he is getting protein. And no he did not offer me any. But he was really cranky, because he knows I am not budging until he starts acting un-child like.When I am around, he bathes, changes clothes, etc. When I am not around, he doesn’t. It is so wierd. It’s like he forgets how to be a person when I am not there. Why do they do that? When he goes away for the weekend, I still function…
I have to admit, I laughed at a lot of responses here. I am so glad I am not the only one that has experienced this. I do sometimes see it as a red flag for the future, and besides trying to make light of it, I have to admit that it worrys me for things later on. I know if we have kids I won’t have help, so I have been thinking a lot lately about how he has been acting. I don’t even know if there is a way to address it with him, since I have tried before but his response is that since he gets up and goes to work everyday, he can come home and do what he wants and I can’t complain. Excuse me…I get up, go to work, take care of the house, the dog, food prep and purchase, make sure he has things to put in his precious lunch box, laundry, and everything else. He goes to work, comes home, and has his happy little evening.
Post # 44
@soyjoy222: It sounds like you’ve talked to him about this and he’s still not understanding. Maybe it warrents another discussion? Or a chore chart? I know that sounds a bit juvenile, but maybe it would work? It sounds like he feels like he can just work and come home and do whatever while you work and come home and cook and clean. You guys need to figure this out because it sounds like something that could cause resentment further down the road. I think red flags are different for different people. For example, this would be a HUGE red flag to me because I expect my partner to do his part. However, some people really don’t mind doing most of the cooking and cleaning (my Mother-In-Law is one of those people) and there’s nothing wrong with that! 🙂
Post # 45
@soyjoy222: I have the exact same fear. Like, if he walks by a mess NOW and thinks “Hm. Someone should clean that”, what’s it going to be like when there are kids in the picture?
Women these days are expected to do so much so well….work, have a successful career, keep up our physical appearance, take care of the house, cook. It’s so much for one person. If he’s thinking that all he has to do is go to work and come home….where’s the partnership?
Post # 46
To the OP:
Do you work less hours in a day than he does (work being at a job site, not household work)? In his mind, he may still consider this less “labor” on your behalf, therefore he is “justified” in slacking off. Furthermore, if he understood what love looks like and how it behaves, he wouldn’t be doing this. I get the impression he thinks, as a man, he gets up at X and works works works, and comes home to his woman at Y time. Women have typically ran the household; is it possible he’s being slightly old fashioned and inconsiderate?
To approach the topic, do not make it about “well I do A, B, and C, and it’s tough work!” because that sets him up to say “You don’t think -blah blah blah- is tough!?” or generally become defensive. This is certainly not setting one up for success! I imagine the situation isn’t simply about who makes dinner on Wednesday night, or who swept, but that you two feel like a unit who lovingly and considerately live together.
He isn’t being loving. And neither are you, actually, because your being on strike is a sort of blackmail, twist-your-arm-into-understanding-what-I-mean. Love doesn’t do that. This brings to mind the saying “You can be dead right but dead wrong because you have no love.” So what, ultimately, do you want out of this? For him to hear you when you say you want/need help and respect that because he loves you? I’d approach him and make that the focus; you want to love him and be loved by him. When you aren’t, it hurts. His failing to respect your voice and desire to help out is hurtful. Is he OK with hurting you? This isn’t to be a guilt trip for him, or a “look at meee!” trip for you, but about the two of you, together, getting on the same page and endeavoring to walk in love.
I bid you thee best. Indeed, it is frustrating to not be heard. We must love regardless of how we are treated, however, and understand what that tenderness looks like.