Post # 1
Hi! I am new here and have been lurking specifically on this board since I am playing the waiting game myself. I am in my early 30’s my BF is mid thirties. I am 2 years away from my PhD and am currently preparing for applying to law school. He is trying to get into med school..I have known him for 8 years, dating over 5 years.
My first issue was that he never brought up marriage until I said something. Finally, after I saw my ring and told him about it, he bought it April 2015. He didn’t propose. I figured he wouldnt until it was payed off, which he did January 2016. My second issue was that every winter I was flying to see his family and they never came down my end to meet my family FOR 5 YEARS!!!! So, after talking to my BF about it, his parents finally made a trip out March 2016 to meet my parents and the dinner went well.
Then, I thought he would propose…Nope. He said he wanted to ask my father first. He had lunch with him 3 weeks ago and asked my father for his blessing. Of course my father said yes and all was well.
It’s been three weeks and nothing…. Not a word about the ring, proposal, nothing…I am so tired of watching his friends around me who have been dating for less time get married. I am tired of his friend’s spouses treating me differently because “I’m just a girlfriend” (I wasn’t invited to one of the weddings my BF was a groomsman in because I was just a GF) I ‘m tired of waiting around while he keeps himself busy with work, tutoring, volunteering, etc. etc. etc.
I feel like I ‘ve been walking around practically single because he doesn’t communicate with me unless I start the conversation and as it is, it’s hard to spend any time with him because he works full time on the weekend and I work full time during the weekdays. I have told him over and over how I feel and he always has an excuse why he is waiting so long. It’s almost like he’s stalling. He even told me he wanted to have lunch with my mom next to ask her for her blessing too, even though he already did with my dad. He also said he wanted to lose some weight before he proposed (he’s been saying that for 4 years and only lost 15 pounds) and then she starts up with stories he reads about nasty divorces and how he doesn’t want to end up like that.
I am really starting to resent him and at this point so mad at him that I refuse to see him and have been doing my own thing (hanging out with friends, starting a music blog with my brother, studying for law school, etc.)
Am I being ridiculous or should I just walk away?
Post # 2
Sounds like it is in the works. He hasn’t just told you he will eventually, he has taken actions towards it – bought a ring, paid it off, talked to your dad. Have you talked to him specifically about his timeline? Maybe not for a specific date, but to know what he is thinking? Even then, it seems it is in the works and your impatience is getting the best of you. Yes waiting sucks, but either talk to him about how it is making you feel or keep waiting since it really seems to be in the works.
Post # 3
I have talked to him about my timeline. We even picked a date and looked at one venue (even though we weren’t engaged) because the venue we liked gets booked really fast…Sometimes, he becomes really involved in something else and gets tunnel vision forgetting even thing around him.
Post # 4
He’s dragging his feet while teetering on the edge. It’s not your job to convince a man to marry you. You are good enough in and of yourself for a non-forced proposal and one that hasn’t been talked into oblivion beforehand.
My advice? If you still want to marry him, if you still love him–lay off the discussions. The space in between discussions will either be filled with silence or action. Either one will speak volumes on its own…no need for further words.
By the same token, be aware of how YOU feel in that silent space–you may have some revelations of your own.
Post # 5
And this is exactly why I have removed myself from his presence and have been doing my own thing. Fridays are usually our day to hang out, but I decided to go to a party instead.
Post # 6
This is him dragging his feet. We see this type of thing on this site ALL the time…girlfriend starts the conversation, boyfriend drags his feet but agrees, he buys a ring……..then he proceeds to push the date back due to various reasons…talks to dad to get “permission”, etc. At 30 and being together for as long as you have been with him…this is something where he either needs to shit or get off the pot. It has been over a year — A YEAR — since he bought the ring. I have a feeling he is questioning things and dragging his feet. Sit him down, have an honest and frank conversation, and figure out where his head is at. In all honesty if he can’t give you a striaght answer I would walk.
Post # 7
I probably wouldn’t want to marry someone who has waited so long to propose…but if your relationship is great and loving then I would just figure out if marriage is really the right answer for you. After all, it’s just a ring and a piece of paper(oh man I’ll probably get blasted for that comment) .If it ain’t broke…
i don’t know. If it’s important to you maybe just say you’re going to take a break and reevaluate the relationship WITHOUT putting any pressure to make him propose. You want someone to WANT to marry you, not force them. Continue doing your own thing, go out with friends, take classes (dance, cooking, etc) without him and see what happens. Sometimes when you’re too up in someone’s face, they can’t really appreciate you. Good luck!
Post # 8
I had that talk with him at the beginning of the year. I let him know to be honest with me and tell me if he didn’t want to go through with any of it. He started crying and yelling saying that he would have never boiught the ring if he didn’t want to and that he loved me and wanted to be with me, etc. etc. I told him that I had no problem leaving because I don’t want to be a hostage. I have things I want to accomplish and I can do that with or without him. It is not fair to have me waiting around for no reason because it is my life too and I am not going to waste my time.
Post # 9
I get that you’re frustrated about waiting. It can be stressful. But the fact that he asked your dad shows that it’s coming soon. I do not think that is something you need to worry about.
I’m curious how he is at communicating about other things. Keep in mind that it’s not happily ever after once you get the ring. Then you will have to work together to set a date and plan a wedding. Will he help you and support you, or continue to not communicate and leave you feeling alone?
Then what about after you’re married. If you plan to have children in the future, are you entirely on the same page? You may be left waiting to TTC just like you’re waiting to get engaged. Will he communicate about parenting styles, medical issues, finances, etc in a way that helps you feel loved, respected, and secure?
Maybe he has been a great, loving communicator in every way of life. But the fact that he has dragged his feet through the proposal process (he didn’t talk about marriage until you did, then bought a ring and has had many excuses not to give it to you), makes me wonder if this is something that will be a recurring issue throughout your lives together.
Also, you say he didn’t bring up marriage until you did. That’s fine, someone had to bring it up first. But are you comfortable with that role of being the persom who initiates the tough conversations? Marrying him probably means doing that for the rest of your life.
Just something to think about before you say yes. It sounds like the proposal is coming. If you’re feeling bad about waiting, just talk to him. He should make you feel better about it. And if he can’t, then again, he may not be the best man to marry.
Good luck with finishing the PhD and on your looming proposal. 🙂
ETA: I just want to add that there are many guys who have left me feeling like I am one step from leaving. Those relationships all ended eventually. My husband has never left me feeling like I am even a hundred steps from leaving.
Post # 10
That’s excellent that you are doing something YOU want to do. It’s an unpopular opinion in a day and age where everyone wants to be so generous, but putting yourself first is absolutely essential. You can’t have anything fulfilling with another if you, yourself, are not fulfilled. I always use the airplane analogy when the flight attendants tell passengers to put the oxygen mask on themselves first BEFORE assisting another. Same thing with relationships. You are your own best company and happiness–believe it. In that regard, if HE can’t see your worth (and put a ring on it)–you can.
Post # 11
As a guy, I would be hesitant to propose too if I were given an “I have things I want to accomplish that I can do with or without you.” or that you have no problem leaving me. That would NOT give me the feeling of confidence or trust in our relationship to spur me to propose.
Post # 12
Unpopular opinion, but why not propose to him? If you’re sure he’s the one and are waiting for an answer, why not take the bull by the horns?
Post # 13
I pretty much have to bring up most of the issues..I have a pretty strong personality and he’s used to that. I get annoyed at times for being “the driver” but then I remember that is a quality he really loves about me since he’s a bit laidback. He is really good with finances and isn’t afraid to voice his opinion about that.
As for kids, we decided not to have any. We are both aiming for careers that will not allow us time to raise children (my mom is pretty upset about that)
I didn’t mention it in my initial post, but he told me after ALL this time, the reason why he didn’t do it sooner was because of finances, but that now that he has a better handle on it and is making much more money, financially he is more stable and able to save.
But, then again, he always has excuses…..He happened to bring that excuse up because we were talking about money at the time.
Post # 14
I dunno, this seems like it is heading somewhere. I can’t imagine he would involve your family by asking permission if he wasn’t intending to actually propose. I don’t usually support these “shut it up pacts” that people do on the Bee, but I wonder if that might be useful for you. Like set some date maybe a month from now, and in the meantime keep doing your own thing like you are, distance yourself a little maybe even. Then if the date comes and he hasn’t proposed, take some action, whether that’s having a really serious conversation about the issue, or just up and leaving him.
On the other hand, I get that you’re frustrated, but you really come off as borderline hateful toward your bf in this post. Are you sure you even do still want to marry him?
Post # 15
But it does let him know that he can’t keep me there just because he wants to “save me for later”