(Closed) I'm One Step From Leaving Him

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 18
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

So you want to marry him so much that you want to leave him? I don’t get it.

Is it possible that he’s waiting to see where your career will go? You are 2 years from a Ph.D. and now applying to law school? Are you a perpetual student? Are you employed? He’s getting ready for med school in his mid thirties? What did you guys do in your twenties?

Post # 19
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

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kiki999 :  Sure, that’s true. But there can be an intention behind it and how it comes across. You can say “I don’t want you to string me along, I am here and committed to you and want to be married. We have been together for a long time, and this is where I see us going. If you’re not wanting us to head in that direction let me know – it is important to me that we take that step together and I want to know you are on board.” That gets your point across a LOT better and less hostile than “yeah I can just leave you.” One shows you want to do it together – looking at marriage as a team. The other shows you are just out for yourself and don’t particularly care bout him unless he does it how and when you want.

Post # 20
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

It sounds like he has something planned.  That said, if you’re so angry that you’re thinking of breaking up with him over this, why the hell would you marry him? You’re just going to resent him for the rest of your lives.  If you’re trying to decide between break up or spend forever together, isn’t the best choice obvious?

Post # 21
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I get the whole finances thing, however if he keeps on waiting until the “perfect” time you will never get engaged.  Life has a way of throwing curve balls all the time and he can’t plan ahead for those types of things.

Post # 22
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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kiki999 :  I would be furious in your position too…the ring guard business would not fly. WTF. I dunno, you’re between a rock and a hard place. What do you think in your gut the reason for his delay is? Some guys are nervous about the actual act of proposing…do you think it could be that? Or are you worried he’s having second thoughts?

Post # 23
Member
2618 posts
Sugar bee

From everything you wrote, I think he’s just stringing you along. I’d be out the door rather than wait on a man who doesn’t think enough of me to marry me.

Post # 24
Hostess
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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amyd223 :  That was my thought too. 

Post # 25
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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kiki999 :  I’m a bit worried about you post “save you for later” because it could be objectifying. I feel for you bee! Waiting is the worst especially when you know it’s coming, and you have been waiting awhile. I couldn’t take it and told fi he should spill the beans or I’d go crazy.

However, it also sounds like there is a bit of a communication issue. If your bf’s friendso treat you badly cuz ur a gf, bf should speak up. He should have at least said something. Perhaps sit him down and explain how this makes you feel (you sound very mad) and talk to him about how to make it better. Give him a few solutions that work for you so he can pick one.

 A solution could be him picking a season or a month, so you know when it is coming, and discussing your needs (a sooner proposal) vs his (weight loss vs money ect). It isn’t sexy, but it’s a pragmatic compromise. compromising and taking needs into account is something all couples need to do. 

Post # 26
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You’re both in your thirties and both embarking on advanced degrees. It sounds like you’re just not at a point in life to be settled down. Call it feet dragging or whatever, but honestly, and I say this as someone with a PhD, sometimes grad school feels like avoiding the real world. It’s difficult in its own ways for sure, but it’s not really “adulting” either. It’s a limbo space with the workload of a full time job (and then some) but without the responsibilities or stability, which is both a pro and con. I miss grabbing coffee with friends at 2pm even if it meant working on papers till 2am. But anyway it just sounds like neither of you are really in the right place for it. That’s not to say that people don’t and can’t be in a place ready for commitment while in grad school — just that it doesn’t sound like you two are. 

That part aside, it does sound like he’s leading you on. Not necessarily with malicious intent, he may very well believe that he is going to propose and just hasn’t confronted his own feelings, but I would not put up with him continually danging proposal in front of your face and then not doing it. Time for a heart to heart. It maye be that my first point is fueling my second part, whether or not he’s admitted it to himself.  

Post # 27
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

 Look, if I were him I would be dragging my feet too.

Given that he had to finance your ring, I’m assumuing (correct me if I’m wrong) that you guys aren’t bleeding money. PhD programs and law school and med school = HUGE debt, unless you can pay for it up front (but again, if he can’t even pay for a ring up front, I’m guessing he can’t pay for med school). Financially, are you guys even in a position to get married?! Maybe he just wants to be more financially ready.

Post # 28
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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elsa0984 :  To be fair, you don’t need to be financially in a position to get married. Maybe to throw a certain kind of wedding but not to get married. Courhouse, done.

Post # 29
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

If he is dragging his feet, then his failure to talk to you honestly and tell you the deal is a problem. That said, he did ask your dad for his blessing and that was just three weeks ago. 

I would let this sit a while and just not bring it up. If no proposal is forthcoming, then my real issue wouldn’t be that he isn’t ready, but that he doesn’t feel he can tell you what works for him. That doesn’t bode well if that’s the case. 

But, three weeks isn’t that long to plan a proposal! 

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