(Closed) I'm One Step From Leaving Him

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 64
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I came onto this website looking for wedding planning advice after I got engaged because wedding planning is super overwhelming. I need to say something, however.

 

I have been with my fiance for 8 years, since I turned 21 years old and both of us were still in college in 2008. After a year of a long distance relationship, we both graduated college and both returned to school full-time to pursue second degrees in healthcare. We discussed marriage for the first time probably a year or so into the relationship. At that point we were both beginning our return to school and realized it was obviously not a good time to get married; we were both living at home with our respective parents and wanted to move in together first. In 2013 we moved in together and as he finished school and got his first job in 2014, we began to discuss marriage seriously. We both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but we also decided we did eventually want to make it “official” with marriage. We both decided it would make sense to wait until I was finished school and had landed my first full-time job too. After all, we were both overwhelmed financially and we both wanted to have a wedding, so it made sense for us to wait a little while. We were both much more excited to finally live together. We were in mutual agreement with all of this.

I graduated school in January 2015, passed my board exams in February 2015, landed my first job on April 23, 2015. The day I called him to tell him I got the job, he just so happened to be ring shopping (he must have had a feeling I was going to get the job!) I had no clue at the time but after he proposed he told me this. He proposed 2 months after purchasing the ring, on June 23, 2015, 22 days after my official first day of work. When he proposed we had been dating for 7 years.

I’m sorry for the long story, but my point is, we were always very open and had frank discussions with each other. When I had something on my mind we talked about it, and vice versa. When I got my job, the first thing I was thinking of wasn’t, “OMG now he HAS to propose!!!” It was more of a natural progression of our relationship. We were young when we started dating, still in college, then we matured, lived together for 2 years, landed our first “real” jobs. It is difficult to do much of ANYTHING while you’re in school, I know that from experience. ENJOY the time you spend together rather than waiting and dwelling on a ring!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re wasting your time when you could be enjoying the actual relationship. I have been reading so many posts similar to yours about women who are so upset they haven’t been proposed to yet. You put so much pressure on the poor guy, I wouldn’t want to propose either if I was him! If you know exactly when it’s coming, what fun is that anyway? My fiance and I kind of came up with a basic timeline and stuck to it. If the timeline came and still he hadn’t proposed, it would be time to bring up the discussion again. To constantly ask him and berate him about when he will propose is kind off-putting to men, I would assume. However, I don’t know your relationship or anything about you so I can’t really make any judgments.

There are so many other pressing issues in the world that are probably more worthy of your time and energy than wondering when a proposal will come. Do you want to be married, or do you just want to have a wedding? Ask yourself that question. If your answer is the latter, maybe you should realize a good marriage is not built from a good wedding. If you’re both focusing your energy on school, then that’s great too, but as many others have mentioned, maybe it wouldn’t be the best time to have a wedding, if that’s what you’re actually interested in. If it’s the marriage part you’re really interested in, can it wait? If it absolutely cannot wait, then maybe you need to discuss that with him. He may feel that it can wait and maybe that’s why he’s not proposing right away. Maybe he’s scared. Who knows! If you truly believe he doesn’t want to be with you for the rest of his life, and you are looking to be with someone who wants a lifelong committment to you, then maybe it’s time to let the whole thing go and move on.

Good luck, I hope you figure everything out, and in the meantime, live your life as an individual, and as someone else mentioned on here, maybe you could use some self-reflection time to think about what it is you acutally want from a relationship or a life partner.

Post # 65
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Also, I just wanted to add that I think it is amazing that you’ve accomplished so much in your education. I, too am STILL in school for my third degree (only part-time while working full-time and planning a wedding) – and it really is a lot of work. Congrats on all you’ve accomplished so far!

Post # 66
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry if this has already been addressed ( I didn’t read all the other replies) but it sounds like he is a guy that needs a ‘push’ in order for anything to change. If you hadn’t brought up engagement, do you think he would have? Maybe he is just content with things as they are. He clearly doesn’t view marriage and the agreed upon timeline in the same fashion that you do. It sounds to me that despite your discussions, he’s dragging his heels and is hesitating/ reluctant about moving forward.

Just in reading this, I come up with the more questions… is he someone that ever takes the initiative in other areas? Is he decisive?  An organized planner sort of guy?  I would hate to see you come to resent him because maybe what you are seeing is just a part of his personality.  For instance, if a person says that ultimately they want to purchase a home, what steps do they take to see this goal come to fruition?

I knew a guy many years ago (high school) who had all kinds of plans of what he was GOING to do, but I never actually saw him making specific steps to meet those goals. He was uber casual about life in general. I really didn’t think he was going to change in any way. He just seemed like a leaf floating in the wind. He married a real Type A woman (nice but a bit of a ball buster) and she kept him on a tight lead- in my opinion. They got the house because SHE handled the money, investments, savings, …. made a plan, stuck to it, etc. As nice as this guy is, I really dont’ think he would have got the home unless SHE made it happen. She is apparently okay with this. Me? Meh. This isn’t the kind of partnership I would like to be a part of. I would be angry, resentful and probably call the guy a big Kindergartener, or something unkind. I just don’t want goals (marriage, home ownership, vacations,  etc) to be left to ME even if it something he says he wants and has agreed to.

Of course none of us know you or your relationship so only you can decide where to go from here. My nana always used to say, ‘men that want to be married ARE married.’ I think I’d be planning a walk date, personally. Sorry to sound harsh bee, but you sound amazing. This guy shoudl be PROUD and excited to be planning a future with you.

Post # 67
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

Hell, if I was in your position, I’d be mad too. He had the ring FOR A YEAR! And he said he wanted his parents to meet yours…if he was super serious, wouldn’t he have called his parents and asked when was the best time then ask you when your parents were available? It doesn’t take a year to get that situated. My fiance wanted the same thing and within a month, we were able to get a day where my family could fly into the country to meet his parents. Oh and his parents took off of work, drove 5 hours and stayed in a hotel to meet mine. You know why? Because it was important to their kids. I’m sure both of your parents would have done the same if it was conveyed within a reasonable amount of time.

A year isn’t reasonable that’s lazy. Yeah they met 3 weeks ago but I’m sure your frustration is mostly with the year to propose, to contact both families and actually DO something about getting married. Maybe he really does want to get married but it seems that he needs to be pushed. If you want to be behind him every step of the way, pushing him, that’s fine but if you don’t, that’s okay also. You’re not some dried up chicken like some of these posters are hinting at. I can’t believe some asked what would you solve by walking? You’re not going to die without him if you did walk. It doesn’t seem as if you’re going to die if you were single during law school. You seem very wise and you ARE very accomplished, I’m sure you’ll be A okay by yourself. 

Back to the subject matter, just wait it out, two more months. He may have something in mind but if he doesn’t, walk. I don’t think you should have to come up with yet ANOTHER timeline, it’s been a year. Even he should know waiting a year and 2 months is ridiculous.

Post # 68
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Again, well done on all you have accomplished with your studies and thank you for the scientific research contributions, great work. 

There has been a little bit of tough love here, and I don’t want to add to you feeling bruised, I’m coming at this with care, I promise.  So…

To me, it sounds like you are tackling your relationship a little like your studies.  Timelines, deadlines, things to be achieved and ticked off etc…. and BF isn’t complying.  That’s frustrating for you because you see and organize the world that way, which is totally ok. 

From his side, totally not cool to keep dangling the carrot… I do not approve of that behaviour.  BUT, bee, getting engaged and getting married are not boxes to be ticked for a happy life. Having a lover and partner who is on the same page, treats you with respect, loves your quirks and the way you see the world, and who is ON THE SAME PAGE, is the key to a happy life. 

You said that you barely see each other (and your work schedules are about to offer even less time to be together), that he shouts and cries when you talk to him about your feelings.  This stuff is concerning. 

But darling, if you are sure he is the one, propose to him.  

Fancy rings and grand proposals are just dressing for the real commitment.  If you want to be with this man forever, and can’t imagine life without him.  Ask him to marry you.  Not to ‘trap him’ into telling you the truth about his feelings, or producing the ring.  FUCK THE RING.  Seriously.  Ask him to marry you because he is the love of your life.   If the idea of doing that doesn’t appeal, do some serious thinking. Why not?  Is he “the best option you have right now”? “I’ve invested all this time.”  “I don’t want to start this dating over again.” Or is it that you just want to tick those boxes so that you feel accomplished? 

I hope that helps, and I sincerely wish you the best x 

Post # 69
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
kiki999 :  Maybe you are not really into him and want to leave?

Post # 70
Member
6331 posts
Bee Keeper

If I were in grad school and on the cusp of more professional schooling, I don’t think I’d have time to be wondering if/when someone would be proposing to me. It sounds like he has a lot on his plate too if he wants to get into med school, especially as a nontraditional student.

That said, if things aren’t feeling right, maybe it’s just not meant to be. If he really wanted to be with you long term, he’d make it happen. What’s going to happen if he gets accepted to a med school far from your law school? What’s it going to be like when you’re a lawyer and he’s still toiling through med school or residency? 

Post # 71
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

View original reply
kiki999 :  Ooooh i see… well i do think it’s important for both sets of parents to meet, but yeah, it took way too long, he could have sped things up

Post # 72
Hostess
4577 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
kaylacherise :  I agree completely!  My Fiance proposed within a week after I passed the bar exam (I found out the weekend of my best friend’s wedding, so he was waiting for after her wedding as well).  I was so damn excited that I passed that it took my by surprise, even though I knew he’d had the ring (he’d had it for about a month).  OP, it sounds like you are both very busy working on your graduate program and applying for professional programs.  I don’t personally understand why he sat on the ring for a year, but I can see why, at this point, he may not want to get engaged.  Law school and med school are huge commitments.  One of my good friends just finished her first year of med school and she had absolutely no life.  I had somewhat of a life in law school, but I would not have wanted to have been planning my wedding 1L year. 

Post # 73
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
kiki999 :  

I didn’t read all the responses, or your updates, but from your initial post, I would have a “move on date” in my mind…probably the end of the year…while it sounds like he is moving in the right direction, something seems “off” to me…I would lay off all discussions, that takes the pressure off him to step up to the plate, and if he doesn’t take that opportunity in the next 5-6 months, he probably isn’t…move on…

Post # 74
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Is there a possibility that he just wants to surprise you a little bit? I was getting antsy for awhile but through talking with him I found out he just felt like he needed to surprise me to make it really special. He didn’t want to just go get a ring and give it to me. We designed my ring together, and then from there I just kinda backed off. I knew it was coming (and it seems like it’s coming for you too), and he took some time so my guard was down and he could surprise me with our perfect proposal. Sometime’s they’re not just draggin their feet and avoiding it like many people think.

Post # 75
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
kiki999 :  He already asked your dad, he already has the ring. You need to relax and let it happen. My now husband had the ring for over 6 months and had asked my dad 3 months before he proposed. It was frustrating but it did eventually happen.

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