Post # 1
My SO and I are not “Officially” engaged yet because he insists it isn’t official until he has a ring to ask me with. Well the ring is still being made (it’s almost done!) so we have to wait for it to be done. Anyway, I found out a few weeks ago that my grandma’s cancer is back and since she had surgery and underwent chemo and radiation last year for the same cancer, she’s much weaker this time around and I’m worried she won’t make it.
I have a video that I took of her about a year and a half ago (before she knew she had cancer). In the video, she talks about how she wants me and SO to get married and have kids because she’s not sure how long she’ll live for and she wants to live to see her grandkids get married and to have great grandkids so she can die happy. At the time the video was tasken, my SO and I were in the stage of our relationship where marriage was a discussion and we knew we wanted to marry each other but we wanted to be more financially stable and I was being the naggy girlfriend “When are you gonna ask me to marry you?!?!?” so I took the video of all the things my grandma was saying about wanting us to get married as a way to tease my SO and say “See, even my grandma thinks we need to get married right now!”
About 6 months after the video was taken we found out she had stomach cancer and she had surgery and chemo and radiation and they told us she was cancer free… until a few weeks ago.
When my SO and I found out her cancer was back, we both agreed that we wanted to get married ASAP so that she can hopefully attend the wedding and at least get part of what she wants before she dies. So we made a guest list, decided on the month we want to get married, looked into venues etc. we are now actively planning our wedding without the “official” engagement.
The problem is that when I bring up anything wedding related and ask advice from friends, family, or close coworkers, I get laughs and scoffs and they say “You’re so funny” because they think its “funny” that I’m planning my wedding and I’m not even “officially” engaged yet because I don’t have a ring yet. I have to plan my wedding because we plan on having it during labour day weekend this September 2017 which gives me only 9 months to plan it.
What do you bees here think? Should I wait until after I have the ring to continue planning? I can’t do this alone but it seems like everyone I try to talk to about it thinks I’m weird for planning already.
Post # 2
I’m sorry but what has other people especially coworkers got to do with your wedding plans? Keep planning, obviously!
And I don’t think you should bother other people too much for advice on every last detail. You and your future husband are the ones who should plan your wedding.
Post # 3
They’re the ones who are out of line. You and your Fiance have moved up your wedding date so your ill grandma can be there, not only is that nothing to laugh at, that’s none of their damned business. You and your Fiance have already AGREED to get married, you’re not some tragically deluded woman planning a wedding behind his back. Just because your in-the-process ring isn’t ‘officially’ on your finger yet, doesn’t mean you can’t be planning, especially when time is a crucial factor.
I’d do two things in your circumstances: I’d tell them why you’re moving faster on the wedding plans (I’m assuming they don’t know, if they do know and they can laugh about this, they’re horrid), if they have any decency they’ll feel ashamed for laughing and learn not to be so quick to judge. Second thing I’d do is stop seeking wedding advice from people who treat me like a joke, even if they don’t think they’re being malicious or unkind.
Good luck with your wedding planning Bee, I’m sorry to hear about your Grandma 🙁
Post # 4
If you want to plan then plan but people are going to think it’s weird if you are also telling them you aren’t engaged because planning a wedding pretty much the whole point of being engaged so really if you are planning then you are engaged with or without the ring.
Post # 5
Definitely keep planning, but only involve the people who you actually *want* involved (your Fiance for sure and any future wedding party or immediate family people). You’ve already agreed to get married and agreed on a timeline, so I don’t think it’s presumptuous to be booking vendors and such. They’re the ones being dumb, not you.
Post # 6
Regardless of circumstances, don’t ask for advice. All it does is create problems. Do what you want to do? Who cares what your co-worker thinks? Or your family? It’s your wedding, not theirs. Just keep planning.
Post # 7
it’s not just coworkers and friends, its family too. Like my parents included. They think I’m being silly for planning before being “officially” engaged and aren’t being much help. I don’t need coworkers or friends help with planning my wedding but I do need my moms help and I feel like she’s not being there for me.
Just the other day I was over at my parents house for dinner and my brothers girlfriend was there as well. She has her own cake business in New Jersey and I asked her if she would be interested in doing my wedding cake. My parents overheard and both of them started laughing and straight up asked me why I’m already planning, even though both of them know exactly why I’m already planning.
Post # 8
you agree to marry = officially engaged
Post # 9
Keep on planning! Especially your family should understand if you tell them the reason?
Just stay strong and do your thing. The ring is even in the making so I really dont understand the attitude. I can’t believe they are being so insensitive! Shame on them, and they should know how rude and hurtful they are.
I am so sorry for your grandmother. Hopefully she will be strong enough the day off and hopefully way longer than that.
The ring is just a symbol, it doesn’t make the engagement. Obviously, you two are engaged to be married since you both agreed, the ring won’t change that a bit. But it is totally understandable if you don’t want to go “public” with it before getting the ring, but you should be able to tell your parents. I get so angry on your behalf. Don’t listen to family or friends, this is between you and your husband to be.
In case you wait, the wedding will maybe be delayed, so I would just rush it as much as I can! It is so sweet of you to want to be so considering about your grandmothers wishes, it warms my heart. It is worth getting teased just to do your best to make sure that she can be that at your big day! That is something you will never regret doing.
I wish I could have my grandmother at my wedding, it would mean the world to me, unfortunately she is no longer with us, but she will always be with me in my heart. So will yours even if she doesn’t make it for long enough, but you will feel better about it if you did eveything you could to make it happen! I am sure it would mean the world to her just to see you try to make it, regardless of if she can be there in the end or not.
Lots of hugs to you! Just go go go! <3
Post # 10
The thing is that people do know why I’m moving the date up. I just don’t get why their reactions are what they have been. Like I can’t even say a single thing regarding the fact that I’m getting married, even just to say how excited I am that I’m getting married without people laughing at me. Why is it so damn funny??!? Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate the advice 🙂
That’s what I keep telling people, that I don’t need a ring in order to be engaged. Non-engaged people don’t actively plan their wedding.
ilyik : arquelle :
Thank you for the advice. I guess I’ll keep planning quietly by myself.. Just really wanted to be able to be happy and excited and plan and have my mom be a part of it without the judgement of her or others.
Post # 11
you said the ring is almost ready so your mom can be part of it soon enough. Surely you can do most things without her meanwhile?
Post # 12
Thank you for the well wishes. You’re absolutely right, I’m just going to ignore the people that laugh and I’m going to keep planning for the sake of my grandma because that’s what’s important. I’m really sorry to hear about your grandma too. <3
Post # 13
When you talk about it with others, do YOU say you’re not “officially” engaged yet? Or do you call yourself engaged and they don’t agree? Because this whole “official” thing is ridiculous. You’re actively planning a wedding. That means you’re officially engaged. A ring does not change anything.
Post # 14
I think it’s silly that you’re saying you’re not engaged until you have a ring. Girl, you’re planning a wedding, thats fucking engaged! So I get why they think it’s silly that you’re planning a wedding while not being engaged (though, by my standards, you are). If you heard your 18 year old cousin planning a wedding while she wasn’t engaged, and never talked to her BF about it, you’d probably be like ‘wow thats weird’. So thats probably what they think. That you havent really discussed it, you’re just doing whatever you want and he will have to jump on board when its time.
Obviously that isn’t what it is from your posts, but that’s probably their POV.
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma.
Post # 15
I’m in the same exact situation. I am not ”officially” engaged as I do not have a ring yet but I already started planning my wedding! We already have the venue, dress, DJ, photographer and videographer! My Fiancé and I decided to get married in July and we are actively planning our wedding. To me, that’s the definition of being engaged. Having a ring or no does not change anything in my opinion. I find it stupid from people to assume that you’re not ”really” engaged if you do not have a ring. It does not change anything to the fact that my Fiance and I wanna get married and that we are getting married!