Post # 1
My friend had a terrible miscarriage 3 years ago (she suffered months of PTSD as a result), and since then has undergone all forms of fertility treatment. She has just completed her third attempt at IVF, which was unsuccessful.
I am 13 weeks pregnant, and I’d like to tell her asap, but I’m so worried about hurting her. I read that it’s helpful to tell someone news like this in private, and I’m thinking of writing her a card. She can read it in private, there’s no chance of her reading it at work, and she can have a moment to herself if she needs it, without being put on the spot by a phone call (she lives 2.5 hours away so I can’t really do it in person).
I’m having trouble wording the card. Part of me wants to avoid mentioning her infertility troubles, and just tell her my news, since the situations don’t necessarily have to do with the each other. I don’t want her to think I’m pitying her either, because I know she wouldn’t want that.
I’m thinking of something like this:
I wanted to share this news with you as soon as I could, since your friendship means so much to me. I’m pregnant. I just had my first appointment on Thursday and all seems well – the baby is due on May 24th. I’d love to see you soon, to catch up. It’s been too long since our last girls’ night. Call me when you have a chance.
All my love,
Any suggestions on how to improve this letter? Does it seem too… casual?
Thanks so much.
Post # 2
I’ve not been through anything like your friend, but have been struggling to get pregnant for almost a year so I can relate a little… First of all, you are absolutely right to give her the news in a way that she can digest it privately. Even if in person was an option, I wouldn’t suggest it – my reaction in that situation would probably be to a) burst into tears and then b) feel like a total monster for doing so.
I also think you’re doing the right thing in not drawing any attention to her struggles. This is your happy news, after all (congratulations, by the way!). Yes, it reads quite casually but I think that’s spot on. Hopefully it’ll all go well and she’ll appreciate the way you’ve gone about things 🙂
Post # 3
I think that’s perfect. I worked with two ladies who were in a similar situtation, and the one told the other she was pregnant in person. Later the person with the fertility troubles told me she felt horrible, because she didn’t think she was excited enough upon hearing the news.
By sending her the card, she’ll be able to have a moment of sadness for herself, and then be able to call you and be genuinely happy for you.
Post # 4
Thanks so much for your comments. You’ve made me feel more confident about this. I know my friend will be happy for me, but obviously it will be tough. We used to talk about being pregnant together, and all that stuff…
I’ll send the card today.
Post # 5
I would say the letter is a little too casual, though I’m not quite sure how you should phrase it instead. It just seems almost like you’re talking about the weather. I would possibly make reference to her own struggle, and that you understand if she needs to take some time to herself before contacting you, but that you hope it won’t impact your friendship.
Post # 6
The problem with saying that I hope it won’t impact our friendship is that I feel that’s a little insulting to her and our friendship. She has always been supportive of me when we discuss pregnancy together, and I think it would be hurtful for me to write that, since I know she would never let that happen.
The casualness of the letter – I feel – lends itself to the fact that I don’t want this to blow up into an overly dramatic thing. She is a strong woman, and I don’t want to insult her by being really formal, since we always talk about the nitty gritty, anything and everything.
Also, by mentioning her struggle, it’s assuming that I know what she’s feeling, and I don’t think that’s for me to say. Like, that I understand if she needs time before contacting me… that’s not for me to assume. And I don’t want her to think I’m pitying her.
I appreciate your feedback though. It’s helping me work out what to say and how to say it.
Post # 7
I noticed the PP who has dealt with infertility said it was good that you didn’t draw attention to her struggle, and kept it casual. I’ve struggled with infertility myself, and feel the opposite way. I think everyone is going to bring their own feelings to the issue and that will influence their reply. You know your friend best, so take others’ opinions under consideration, but approach her in whatever way you think she will respond to best. Good luck!
Post # 8
I wouldn’t mention anything about her infirtility. I think the letter looks really good. I too have a friend who is struggling with it. Her husband had cancer when he was a boy and the chemo and radiation made him indie tile. It’s been really hard on both of them. She actually didn’t make it to my bridal shower because she knew my sister was going to be there. And not only was my sister pregnant but she got pregnant shortly after getting married. And my friend was really having a hard time coping at tht point. I told my friend there were no hard feelings but that I would miss her.
Post # 9
I’m in a very similar position as your friend…I have been TTC for over 3 years and had a MC last summer, so hopefully I can provide a bit of advice.
I’m VERY supportive of other friends who are trying and getting pregnant. I get a tinge of jealousy when I find out they are having a baby, however I always put that aside and make sure they know how happy I am for them. My one girlfriend has commented several times at how gracefully I’m handling my entire situation which is such a compliment to me, when deep down I want to scream.
With that being said, for some reason, the sentence “I’m pregnant.” all on it’s own…it bugs me. Maybe because it’s just out there on it’s own and it seems like such a bold statement. Perhaps it’s just me being sensitive to the subject.
Perhaps rewording it to say “I wanted to share the news that I’m pregnant with you as soon as I could, since your friendship means so much to me”
Post # 10
Thanks for pointing that out. I will change the wording.
Post # 11
Congrats first of all! Your message sounds just fine. You’re very thoughtful and I’m sure you’re friend will appreciate your gesture. Good luck!
Post # 12
I really like that wording.
You’re a very good friend for putting this time in to be sensitive to your friend’s needs. I’ve been there and it is a lot easier having time to process on your own and then be happy for your friend. The only thing I would change is the comments about meeting up or phoning. I wouldn’t word it like that because she may feel under pressure to call you before she’s ready. I would just say that you hope to see her/catch up soon.
Post # 13
I 100% agree with Ryansgirl:
When I read that point blank sentence, I felt the pain in my gut, and I don’t even know you. I definitely think a card is a smart way to go about it, and with that adjustment, it sounds good to me. I don’t believe anyone should ever feel guilty or negative about sharing such happy news with someone, so don’t think that you need to downplay your happiness. I’m sure your friend will be happy for you when she has her moment to process.
I can tell you that probably the hardest thing I dealt with was that my friend told me she was pregnant before anyone else, and leaned on me to share every little detail since nobody else knew. She talked to me about ultrasounds, maternity clothes shopping, telling other people, etc. It actually ruined our friendship, because her lack of sensitivity caused me to eventually break down and stop speaking to her. If you just show some sensitivity, be happy for yourself, but don’t let it become the focus of your whole friendship, your friend will be just fine. It’s awful what she is going through and breaks my heart to hear it, but its also fantastic that you’re pregnant. Congrats!
Post # 14
First of all, congratulations!
As someone struggling with infertility, I can appreciate your thoughtfulness in trying to say the right thing. With that being said, receiving a personal letter in the mail would feel like showboating to me. I understand that is not your attempt, but I think I would take it as some Grand Gesture to announce your pregnancy.
Please don’t take my comment the wrong way. You know your friend best. In my personal opinion, I appreciated my two close friends giving me phonecalls to announce their pregnancies.
Post # 15
I agree with Ryansgirl
about the phrasing, I’d write “Since your friendship means so much to me, I wanted to tell you I was pregnant as soon as I could. I’d also not send a snail mail card, but would send an email. A card feels kinda like a ‘grand announcement’ like TheMrsTulip
As someone who has been TTC for over a year, I would not appreciate a phone call though. It puts you on the spot and you have to think of something to say. I also would not want a friend to point out my struggles.
Kudos to you for being a good friend! ETA: Congratulations!!!