I'm pretty sure a kid is coming to our child-free wedding

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2016

This is a tough situation, what i really don´t get is this US policy about that weddings are not for children. I am german and every single wedding i ever went in my almost 30 years of live had children there. And we drink alcohol, a lot of it at weddings, but nobody would ever think about leaving children at home because it´s not a place for them to be.

Ok, so now to your problem: does the family who want to drag the kid along have any family nearby at their home? Because if they have it´s way easier to be really adamant about wantin to have no children on your wedding. You can´t leave a 8 year old with a sitter for 2 or 3 days, well you can, but every parent who loves their child wouldn´t do it.So if they have family in chicago who could watch the child it´s better, you can´t throw a”just get a sitter!” in their face, it just makes you seem very unexperienced with children and rude.

And i would definitly leave it to my fiancee to speak to his family

Post # 32
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

If you don’t want kids at your wedding, it is YOURS and your fiances day. Not your future brother in law, and not your nephews. What about the childs opinion? And I don’t mean whatever the mother and brother say, I mean the actual thoughts of the kid. A lot of parents forget to actually ask their kids if they want to sit still and silent for hours in what is honestly an uncomfortable outfit.

Post # 33
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

babette1987 :  Weddings aside, you really think people who wouldn’t leave their kids for 2-3 days with a sitter don’t love their children?  So vacations, work trips etc aren’t okay for parents to do? You must be mother of the year. 

Post # 34
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2016

No, what i meant is that parents don´t LIKE to leave their children with just a sitter if they feel they have a chance to not do so and that they prefer to leave chidren with family and that it´s easier to say: just leave your kid with aunti XXX than “just get a sitter!”

And hubby and i have yet to encounter worktrips where we both absolutely need to go away at the same time.

And yeah i definitly wouldn´t go on a holiday without my own children, i would go for a weekend trip with my husband if the child is with the grandparents.

So i think that it´s usually very hard for people who don´t have children or basically don´t want children to understand what parents might feel when told “leave your kids at home, we don´t want children at our wedding”.  And yet the parents need to accept that they can´t bring their children without the brides and grooms consent, i agree that it´s rude to just take the kid. 

I just htink that it might be a good course of action to think about where the child could stay while the parents are away, this makes it definitely easier it the parents are as unreasonably as they sound

Post # 35
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

babette1987 :  Your point is very valid and reasonable, my fiance and I adore children and can’t wait to have them one day, but it’s not up to the parents or even the child who is and who isn’t on the guest list. It isn’t just alcohol that’s an issue, it’s things like music that could be loved by adults but be very sexual or curse heavy, the garter toss, more intimate and possibly sexual photos and dances. The problem is really the brother and mom throwing such a huge fit over it, when what about the young boys opinion? Has anyone asked him if he even wants to go? If he’s asked, and says no, that might stop them freaking out so much.

Post # 36
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I’m sorry, but it is perfectly reasonable for a bride and groom to not want children at their own wedding. If the parents cannot leave their child for a night or a weekend without feeling upset, then they should not attend the wedding. It doesn’t really matter how closely related to the bride and groom they are. The bride and groom SHOULD NOT BE guilt tripped about what they want at their own wedding. If parents want to throw a kid friendly wedding or a great big kid friendly party, they should have at it, but it is not the bride or the groom’s problem.

Also, I promise you the 8 year old child DOES NOT CARE whether or not he attends this wedding. He probably would rather be playing video games at home with one of his school friends than go to what he likely sees as a boring wedding of an older relative who he barely knows.

ETA: I apologize if this came off as snarky towards parents, but I just feel that this is an adult issue between a group of adults, and not really about a child or children at all. This is more about the groom’s family judging the bride’s choices and feelings about children and trying to push the envelope to see how far they can push her past her clearly defined boundaries. It drives me crazy when people do this.   

Post # 37
Member
11858 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

VictorianChick :  god I hope this doesn’t happen. I just saw a comment to you about how you should embrace it because innocent. Welp…. I have a story for you. 

My friend was getting married and it wasn’t no kids, but only close family. Her FI’s aunt was invited with her husband. Cut to the sit down formal reception and they walk in with… not one kid. Not two. But FIVE. 

Five kids under ten and hell no they were not innocent. At least not that night! 

Post # 38
Member
7645 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s hardly ideal, but let it go. They’re travelling 8 hours so babysitting options are limited, and he is the groom’s nephew, not some random kid. One 8 year old is not going to ruin your wedding.

Post # 39
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2017

aussiemum1248 :  I disagree. She should put her foot down. She’s communicated a boundary, as is her right. Boundaries exist for a reason. We don’t get to cross other people’s boundaries just because we feel like it. 

Post # 40
Member
7645 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

megzys :  Yeah but what is she meant to do if brother crosses the boundary anyway? Evict him from the wedding? I just don’t think this is a hill to die on.

ETA: By all means reiterate the policy to the brother again. Just don’t stress if he brings his son anyway, is what I’m saying.

Post # 41
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2017

aussiemum1248 :  she and her Fiance should contact the brother and let him know that the child should not come to the wedding, and explain their reasoning. At that point, the ball is in the brother’s court, but if he does choose to bring his 8 YEAR OLD to a wedding against the directly communicated wishes of the bride and groom then HE has caused a rift in the family by being boorish and selfish, and the OP and her then husband would be well within their rights to be angry. This day is not about the brother or the 8 year old, and this is just an excuse for the parents of this 8 year old to create drama and draw attention to themselves and their child.

This is not particularly difficult and I am not sure why I keep seeing discussions of this type on various wedding websites. If you are the parent of a child, they come first because you are their parent. If you are invited to a childfree wedding, the onus is on you to find childcare for your child for however long you want to attend said wedding, or just not attend the wedding. The bride and groom knew going in to making the decision to have a childfree wedding that some parents – even ones who are very close to them – would not be able to attend their wedding because they would not be able to arrange childcare. They were fine with that when they made arrangements for their wedding. It is rude to go against the directly stated wishes of the bride and groom because it is their party that they are paying for. If the brother wants to pay for the wedding, then he can bring however many children he wants. Otherwise, it isn’t his decision who comes to OP’s wedding. 

Post # 43
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

VictorianChick :  No no, I’m not by any means suggesting you ask the 8 year old to decide lol. What I’m saying is there is no way this young boy wants to spend hours of his time being forced to behave perfectly well in uncomfortable clothing surrounded by something that a child would be incredibly bored by, especially for someone he barely knows and for what? Why does the brother even want his son there? My suggestion to ask him is simply to make the parent stop, since clearly he won’t listen to you or your fiance. I completely agree with Megzys in that if the brother continues pushing this, it’s his fault that there’s a rift, not yours who made it completely clear from the start if I’m correct.

Post # 45
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

If he shows up on your wedding day, you’ll need to be the bigger person and let it go. It’ll be too late to do anything about it anyway. You’re going to dig your own grave bay day if you say something. It will cause so much drama on a day you don’t want to remember drama. I hope he doesn’t, but if he does, take a deep breath and bring it up at a later time.

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