Post # 1
I’ve been lurking on the baby board since I got married in April, and pretty much been obsessed with babies forever! Darling Husband doesn’t exactly feel the same way, but knows that it’s very important to me and also wants to have a family… someday. I’m 28 (soon to be 29) and he’s 29. I’m ready now, but willing to wait about a year to ttc. Tonight he says… ‘the longer the better’ position we’ll be in financially, he’ll be able to help more (he works crazy long hours), etc. But I know I can’t wait indifinitely… It’s a stretch for me to even think about a year. Whereas he’d prefer 2+ years. I want to be a young(ish) Mom, I’m concerned about complications, etc…. Ugh, has anyone else been in this position? Advice? It’s so hard 🙁
Post # 3
I was in a similar position. I tried not to press the issue and I respected his opinion. Maybe every couple months I would mention new ideas about how we really can afford it soon. And over time (about 10 months) we both got there.
Post # 4
we haven’t started ttc yet, but will as SOON as we get married next year (we’re both in our 30’s). He originally wanted to wait about FIVE years, for financial reasons, but I found he changed his mind pretty fast when I pointed out how much harder it gets to conceive as time goes on, the increased risk of difficulties with miscarriage and potential physical problems (minimal, but there all the same and problems do increase with age), how it’s much easier and quicker for mothers’ bodies to go back normal after the birth if they are younger (men will read that as ‘less time to wait before you can get jiggy again – lol!). Also I asked him if he really wanted to be raising a teenager when he was in his 60’s instead of looking forward to retirement and he hadn’t really thought about it like that. That should help you in your argument for starting earlier! the thing is, men are never really ready, you just have to give them the facts – and remind them babies are more enjoyable when the parents are younger as you’ll have more energy, can handle sleepless nights better and will recover better. good luck with it!
Post # 5
Thanks ladies… I’m just feeling antsy, and it doesn’t help that I’ve been spending too much time looking at baby stuff online. But, it’s just frustrating …. I don’t know how long I can be patient.
Any other bees been experienced this??
Post # 6
Oh honey, I have been there. Heck, my husband and I are “not trying, not preventing” and some days, I feel like I’m still there. My husband wants children, he even wants them sooner rather than later. BUT, he is an engineer, an over-analyzer, a meticulous planner, etc. etc. and the idea of actually having a child freaks him out. He can’t figure out how he’s going to handle all the unpredictability that comes along with kids. We are at the point of “if it happens, it happens,” but that was a LONG ROAD.
I could have made spreadsheet after spreadsheet detailing our savings and plans and how we’re going to pay for a baby and basically appealed to every logical bone in his body, but the fact is, he still needed to be ok with it emotionally.
I think for a long time my husband used facts and figures and logic to say “we can’t do this yet,” when what he meant was “I’m not emotionally ready to be a dad yet.” And even thought it hurt, a lot, because what I thought he was saying sometimes was “you’re not ready to be a mom yet” (and he may have been right), I had to learn to respect the time he needed.
I, like you, sometimes got to the point where I’d think “BUT I NEED THIS RIGHT NOW! I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME! HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK!” But I eventually quieted those feelings by talking it out with my husband. I guess it came down to this thought that I wanted our parenting to be a partnership and it couldn’t be if our deciding to become parents was not a decision between partners. No one was going to benefit (least of all, our future kids) if I pushed my husband into a decision he wasn’t ready for.
Ok, this is a lot of rambling, I realize. But I just wanted to share how it worked for my family. Just know that you are definitely not alone. I hope that you and your husband can work out a timeline you’re both happy with!
Post # 7
I think this is very common for men. Most women find it natural to have a baby and to be nuturing but I think a lot of men see it as giving up their financial and physical freedom. I think eveery guy wants to be financially stable before getting married and having kids, but everyone has a different idea of what financially stable means. I don’t think anyone is ever completely ready for a baby. But that is normal.
Fiance and I also have slightly different timelines. I want one ASAP but he wants to wait 1 year.
I notice with Fiance that his opinion about when to gave kids changes with the scenario. He does not like to be confronted about it… He gets a little uncomfortable when I coo and proclaim “I want a baby!” Or when our parents or nosy friends tell us we should have kids right away.
But I also notice that when we are around kids we know or when we are at the park and we see a Dad playingball with his son, he is the one who says ‘I cant wait to have kids” or when we go to furniture stores and he sees kid furniture or big family dining tables he gets excited and starts talking about having kids.
Maybe if you ask him while he is in his comfort zone, or if you put him in a situation where he will think to himself how wonderful it will be ti have kids, he will react differently? I think a lot of men like to feel like they are the ones making the decision. They want to feel like they want to get married or have kids, not that someone is pressuring them to. Does this help?
Money wise and emotionally, I don’t think anyone is ever completely ready but whenever Fiance brings up the cost of children I point out that our parents raised us on much less than we have and we turned out fine… or that there are plenty of less fortunate people who have very happy families. But it is fact that it gets harder as you get older to have ahealthy/uncomplicated pregnancy so better to have some smalll financial stress now than to have years of trying for a baby or a child with lifelong complications.
Post # 8
Parenthood is the biggest change your lives will ever see. Do you really want to rush him into that? Not a good idea. Marriage = compromise, and having a baby a year later will not make or break your timeline. You can still easily have 2 babies before age 35, when things start getting hairy, complications-wise.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
We’re in the same boat…same age, same difference in timeline, everything. It was hard for me to accept at first ,but as crayfish said, you don’t really want to push him in to this. It’ll be a much happier and more joyful experience when you’re both 100% on board. I have been worried about complications too but I know many women who’ve had healthy babies and remained healthy themselves, though they are my age or older. (Several of the bees, in fact, are around age 30 or older when planning their first child.) It sucks to wait, but at the same time, just try to enjoy the relative freedom you have now–less responsibility, more quiet time for just the two of you. 🙂
Post # 10
I kinda wanted to start TTC right after we got married but Darling Husband wants to wait and start trying next year. I do sometimes get baby fever lol but I definitely understood his reasons for wanting to save up for a year 1st so I have agreed to be patient.
Post # 11
@crayfish: I second this. You’re newly married. Do you want to enjoy that newlywed time before parenthood is the focus? I’m 31 and have been married almost two years now. When we first got married, I wasn’t ready for kids. By our first anniversary, I was becoming more open to the idea and ready for them. We enjoyed our first year married with parties, vacations, and friends. Now, as we’re close to our second anniversary, I’m ready as well as my husband. Our timelines were similar. I want to start trying earlier, but to hit the birthday time period that my husband wants, we’re waiting less than a month. Honestly, I would be on the same page as your husband before trying. Also, enjoy your marriage for a bit before kids come into the picture. I’m glad to have two years married before our lives are completely changed.
Post # 12
Thanks so much ladies….. I certainly want DH’s support and I want him to be involved. It’s just hard to wait when you’ve wanted it for so long! My sister is almost 36 and has 3 girls (10, 6 and 3) and I adore my nieces. My family has not been pushy or even mentioned it really, but I know they’re thinking.. why wait? I agree it’s good to have time as newlyweds. However, we’ve been living together for the past 4 years, together for almost 5.5. I know waiting 1-2 years isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things, but it’s hard to think about it being that far away!!!
Thanks for your support.
Post # 13
@MCC919: We got married on our 5th dating anniversary, lived together for 2 years before that. My brother and SIL have kids, just had their third one a couple of months ago. With my SIL’s pregnancy and birth of new niece, it put some pressure off of us. Marriage is a partnership, sometimes you can’t always get what you want. If I had my way, we would be trying a lot sooner than we are. I did have a say in when I went off of birth control after a very bad day. I just put my foot down and said I’m ready to be off of it. Darling Husband went along with it and the adjustments to protection, etc. Now after his birthday, we’ll be trying thanks to having the summer to adjust to being off of it. Also, are you off BC? I would figure that into the trying timeline as well. Give yourself at least one or two cycles to get used to your cycle. Hang in there. I believe that everyone’s timelines are different. Don’t rush into anything especially parenthood without being really ready. I think that my marriage is better for waiting to try and really coming together as a couple on these decisions.
Post # 14
When we first had the baby discussion, it was about negotiating HOW many kids we wanted (he wanted 3, I wanted 1 – we compromised at 2). Then when we were chatting about timelines – I wanted to shorten the 1 year wait – I told him that I’m done popping out babies at 35, and I want at least 2 years between kids. Since I’m 30, that opened his eyes to if he really wants 2, we need to get started soon.
I think it’s sitting down and saying – here’s what my concerns are, here’s what we have to look at from a timing perspective, and here’s where our finances are – with all that in mind, here is what I think a reasonable time to start TTC is, and see if he agrees. I think for most guys, they only look at one part of the picture, but when you lay it all out rationally, they are able to see all options.
Post # 15
@Goldilocks1107: That’s good advice… I think practically like that when I’m alone, but when we’re discussing it together I have a hard time keeping my emotions in check. Getting better…. and we’re working towards a more practical, logical discussion. We’ll get there.
Post # 16
I know exactly how you feel, I’m in the same situation right now myself. I am 25 and will be 26 when we get married, so I know I’m a few years youger but that still doesn’t change the strong feelings I have to start trying for a baby as soon as we’re married. My fiance is another guy that wants to “wait a few years” and wants to own a house first etc, which is fair enough, but personally I know I can’t wait that long. I am already struggling as it is to wait another year before TTC (our wedding is in a year so I want to wait until we’re married first). It’s so annoying when guys aren’t on the same page as us about babies 🙁 I’m not sure what to do except try not to go on about it all the time, and just maybe bring it up occasionally and hope that in time he eventually changes his mind. It’s hard and I understand how you’re feeling, it hurts. Hang in there though hun I’m a firm believer that things usually work out the way they are supposed to