Post # 1
Was wondering if you could help me out. For the past couple years something has clicked inside me (as I understand it does for a lot of women) and I’ve been getting strong urges to have a baby. Obviously when these urges first began I was younger and knew it wasn’t a good time for me to have a baby then, so I tried to put aside my feelings and wait. It’s been really hard because I think about it all the time and can’t wait to have one of my own. I’m always thinking about how great it will be when my fiance and I finally have a baby of our own (once we are married).
We have been together for 3 1/2 years now and I waited 3 years for him to finally propose to me. He is 2 years older than me but I have always felt like I was a step ahead of him and ready for things before him. We are getting married in 2013 and I will be 26 then. I was hoping that by then, considering we will have already been together for 5 years (and living together for 3 years) that we won’t need to have alot of “married time” together as wha we are doing right now is basically that anyway. And I was hoping we could start “not trying not to concieve” straight away after the wedding. When talking to my fiance about this, he had different ideas and said he doesn’t want to have kids until we own our own house. We looked realistically at this and where we are at with finances at the moment means we probably won’t be able to afford to buy a house for another 5 years.
He really wants to have kids but is worried that once we have a baby we won’t be able to afford to save for a house deposit etc. I agree he has a point, but to me I don’t mind renting for a few years and buying a house later on, as long as we have a roof over a head and have started a family. It broke my heart when he said he wants to wait about 5 years 🙁 I know he has a say in the relationship too, but there is no way I can wait another 5 years, I’ve been struggling even with the thought of waiting another whole year for a baby. I know I’m still young and have plenty of time left etc, but I think alot of you will know that once you get baby fever its very hard to fight off, and I’ve been struggling to wait a couple years as it is.
I had always wanted to start trying for a baby in my late 20’s as I want to have more than one child, and hear that after 25 your fertility starts to go down hill and it is harder to have a baby, and once in your 30’s there are more risks of complications too. Also, I have never tried to get pregnant before so don’t even know if I can, and if I can’t and need IVF then I want to get onto that early. Besides, it can sometimes take up to a year to get pregnant anyway.
I feel like it is unfair for him to say we need to wait until we own a house, when alot of the reason why we will need to wait to afford a house is because he needs to pay off debt. I also think guys don’t have the same maternal feelings as us women and it is easier for them to wait for something like that, whereas us women get stronger feelings about it.
Has anyone else been in this situation before? How did you get through it? I know I can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to do, nor do I want to, but is there anything I can do to help him change his mind? I understand that I am young and still have time etc but that doesn’t help get rid of this baby fever that I have 🙁
Post # 3
Sounds like you guys need to compromise…maybe suggest you wait 2-3 years after your married and work really hard at saving up for a house and then start trying for baby…
Yes i realize thats still longer then what you want but it isn’t all about you, it’s about him as well.(not meant to sound rude if it does)
You said you’re 26, thats is still very young! Although you are right the older you get the higher your risk of complications, keep in mind the risks are very minimal unless you are over 40(and even then for the most part it’s just harder to conceive). I personally know a lot of older women who have had babies over 35 and even into their 40’s with no issues. The doctors may run a few more test on you but thats it. We live in a modern world and a lot of the risks that we’re previosuly worried about aren’t really things to worry about now.
From what i have heard from my married friends, even ones who were together for years and lived together before getting married said that things still changed after getting married and that having some married time without kids was very good/important for them.
So as you said you both want kids, great! Taking a little bit of time to get yourselves financially set for family/future after you’re married won’t kill you, enjoy it! Just remeber you’re only young once and once you start having babies they will be around for many many years. What im trying to get at is that life becomes less about you two and all about the babies, couple time is precious and you won’t have the freedom to enjoy it until you’re kids are grown.
I’m sure thats not exaclty what you wanted to hear. i just wanted to remind you that there’s no rush you have lot’s of time, the best things are worth waiting for 🙂
(side note i’m 27 and if Fiance and I decide to have a baby it wont be until a few years after we’re married)
Post # 4
Darling Husband and I were in a similar situation. After a pregnancy scare I realized I was ready… He still wanted to wait until we’d been married 5 years. We had many discussions over the course of the last 2 years and eventually came up with a compromise. We decided to wait until 2012 and spend the year leading up to TTC doing all the things we have talked about doing pre-baby. It hasn’t always been easy, but now we are only 97 days away from TTC and we both feel good about it!
Maybe you can come up with a financial goal that would get you on your way to buying a house… And upon reaching that goal you can TTC? Whatever you come up with, the key is compromise and communication! sounds like you’re already doing a good job of that 🙂
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
Since you still have 10 months to go before the wedding, there’s plenty of time for him to get the urge too. Also, maybe you can come to a compromise, like starting a few months after the wedding, you won’t actively try, but you’ll stop purposely trying not to.
Post # 6
We are getting married this July and I feel much the same as you, I’m ready to start on the wedding night but he wants time to spend together as a married couple to do things like traveling and buy a house before having an infant. I understand his thinking (no really I do), but the fact of the matter is there are a lot of benefits to me getting pregnant right away. We’ve discussed this matter AT LENGTH – think probably one night a week for the last 7 months. We finally came to the conclusion that we will wait 6 months and then we will stop trying to prevent pregnancy. That will give us at least a year baby free (though I may be pregnant for part of the year). We don’t know how long it will take to get pregnant but OUR (yes that’s right even him) would be to conceive around my birthday next year. It took a while to get there and many many many conversations but we finally reached a decision we are both so happy with!
Post # 7
These are such hard decisions! We’ve definitely had some challenges in figuring out our baby timeline..There are some pre-TTC posts on hellobee.com that talk about some of those timing issea that you might relate to. Here’s one of them: http://www.hellobee.com/2012/04/23/detour-to-ttc-age-v-time-to-enjoy-marriage/
Post # 8
You sound like you’re very emotional about this and not being very rational. Hopefully you can find a way to compromise, but I agree with your Fiance that for most couples TTC immediately after the wedding isn’t a great idea. You also mention that he has debt that’s preventing you guys from saving for a down payment. Buying a house is one thing, but you should at least try to be debt-free before TTC. Your worries about fertility also seem a bit overstated.
If I were in your shoes I would probably draw up a shared budget for paying off your FI’s debt; save up a nice little nest egg; and see if he’ll agree to starting TTC when you are 28 or 29 once you’ve accomplished those two goals. I know you want a baby right now, but you want to give it the best start in life that you possibly can, and that means a stable marriage with a timeline both spouses feel comfortable with and some financial stability. Remember, you’re not just sitting around twiddling your thumbs and waiting. You’re actively building your future together!
One final thought: would it help to babysit or find some other way to interact with young children on a regular basis? Maybe if children were already part of your life in a meaningful sense, you’d be a bit more comfortable waiting a few years to have your own.
Post # 8
I feel the same! I’ve had baby fever now for two years and all my friends have had babies practically. I’ve been married for almost four years, and we agreed to try after our fifth year anniversary. It can’t get here soon enough! And then I’m in nursing school and we both would like me to be finished with the associate’s dregree before a baby.
But it’s so hard when I see babies and feel tummies. I mean, I want one so bad. I’m 27 myself and I’ll be near 30 when we start trying and to be honest that scares me. I’ve heard of complications with getting pregnant and also having the baby at that age and I really don’t want to have any issues.
I know plenty of students who concieved and birthed a baby mid-program, yet still passed classes and graduated. I know I could do it and part of me wants to talk to my husband about going ahead and trying but we also want a bigger house.
I feel kind of guilty. I am almost hoping that one day by birthcontrol doesn’t work and I end up pregnant….
But still if now isn’t a good time I respect what my husband wants. And sometimes I’m personally a bit fearful of even bringing this up. And I have no friends to talk to about this. My best friend isn’t married and I’m not close enough with other friends. I guess I just need an outlet.
Post # 9
feelingconfused: this post is from 4 years ago. Perhaps @miss_vanilla has a baby by now? 🙂
Post # 10
clawsnpaws: as a matter of fact I have clawsnpaws! Feeling confused I will reply to our message and let you know what happened for me 😊
Post # 11
clawsnpaws: feelingconfused: clawsnpaws was right, I posted this originally a few years ago and I have had a baby now, he is 17 months 😊 so i am living proof that you will get there! It wasn’t easy trying to convince my husband but what I did was just save like crazy to pay our debt off and a year after our wedding we managed to somehow be able to afford a deposit to build a house! As soon as the house was starting to be built I basically said to him alright we have a house sorted now like u wanted, i think we should just stop using protection and if it happens it happens. He was pretty scared about it and I basically could tell him we were trying or it would freak him out too much. To ease him into it we started using the pullout method until he got more comfortable, then we did it prop but he was still uneasy about it. The second month in I got pregnant and was so excited but also really scare! Suddenly there was no turning back and this was it. My husband was scared too at first but then got really excite. I had a really good pregnancy and loved it for the most part. We moved into our brand new house towards the end of my pregnancy and everything seemed to be working out. When I finally had my baby though reality really sunk in and it was so much harder than i thought. I mean u always know itll be hard, but nothing quite prepares u for those sleepless nights and that freedom u lose. I love being a mum and honestly i wouldnt trade this for anything, but life was so easy before and i do miss parts of it. Im so glad we waited to get a house though, we would never have been able to afford it now. It is soo hard waiting when u have the baby fever, trust me i know. It is very easy to think it will be like a fairytale though when in reality its not. For a long time afterwards i was actually quite traumatised from it all and didnt feel ready to have another one which surprised me considering how bad i wanted one before. But now that he is getting older im starting to get clucky again and want a sibling for him, but i need to wait til later next year (for various reasons) and im already finding it hard waiting. To be honest it really would be best if u did try wait til youve at least nearly finished your study. It will make things so much harder on u if u try studying and having a baby. But 3 years is a very long time to wait. It might be easier on u if u can set a time with your hubby that youre gonna stop taking your pill and just see what happens – maybe towards the end of your studies? I really feel for u cause it’s so hard waiting but u will get your turn and hones its so much better to wait until you have things sorted. Ofcourse u will never be 100% ready for it but if there’s anything youre atill wanting to do you shoukd definitely try do it now, before a baby because a baby changes everything. Sorry i dont know if that helps u much but im happy to discuss it further with u if u want 🙂 i know how hard it is. hopefully u and your hubby can find a way to compromise and not have to wait so long
Post # 12
P.s sorry about the typos, was hard trying to write all that on my phone! 😊
Post # 13
miss_vanilla: Thanks for posting your follow up, it gives me some hope. I’m in a similar situation — husband wants to wait until we have a house, which will proabably be 3-4 years from now. I was originally ok with this… until the baby fever hit me. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but baby fever is very, very real and there is no ignoring it once it starts. Even after reading your experience with the difficulties of having a new baby, my brain is still like “yeah, I don’t care, I want that.” lol even though I know once I finally do have a child, I’ll be like “why did I sign up for this again??” Oh I just love these hormones. 😉
Post # 14
miss_vanilla : i know this thread is old but I would love to know how things turned out for you. I am in this exact situation now…
Post # 15
impatienceeee : hey there well im happy to say I now have baby number two on the way, and this time around hubby was way less scared about ttc, infact he was actually looking forward to it! Quite different to the first time around. I think after seeing how cool being a dad is it helped him to realise that we can do it again. It’s still scary and going to be so much harder with another child but I really wanted a sibling for my boy. I think two kids will be it for us though. Baby fever is so hard, you will get your turn though! Xx