Post # 1
Was wondering if you could help me out. For the past couple years something has clicked inside me (as I understand it does for a lot of women) and I’ve been getting strong urges to have a baby. Obviously when these urges first began I was younger and knew it wasn’t a good time for me to have a baby then, so I tried to put aside my feelings and wait. It’s been really hard because I think about it all the time and can’t wait to have one of my own. I’m always thinking about how great it will be when my fiance and I finally have a baby of our own (once we are married).
We have been together for 3 1/2 years now and I waited 3 years for him to finally propose to me. He is 2 years older than me but I have always felt like I was a step ahead of him and ready for things before him. We are getting married in 2013 and I will be 26 then. I was hoping that by then, considering we will have already been together for 5 years (and living together for 3 years) that we won’t need to have alot of “married time” together as wha we are doing right now is basically that anyway. And I was hoping we could start “not trying not to concieve” straight away after the wedding. When talking to my fiance about this, he had different ideas and said he doesn’t want to have kids until we own our own house. We looked realistically at this and where we are at with finances at the moment means we probably won’t be able to afford to buy a house for another 5 years.
He really wants to have kids but is worried that once we have a baby we won’t be able to afford to save for a house deposit etc. I agree he has a point, but to me I don’t mind renting for a few years and buying a house later on, as long as we have a roof over a head and have started a family. It broke my heart when he said he wants to wait about 5 years 🙁 I know he has a say in the relationship too, but there is no way I can wait another 5 years, I’ve been struggling even with the thought of waiting another whole year for a baby. I know I’m still young and have plenty of time left etc, but I think alot of you will know that once you get baby fever its very hard to fight off, and I’ve been struggling to wait a couple years as it is.
I had always wanted to start trying for a baby in my late 20’s as I want to have more than one child, and hear that after 25 your fertility starts to go down hill and it is harder to have a baby, and once in your 30’s there are more risks of complications too. Also, I have never tried to get pregnant before so don’t even know if I can, and if I can’t and need IVF then I want to get onto that early. Besides, it can sometimes take up to a year to get pregnant anyway.
I feel like it is unfair for him to say we need to wait until we own a house, when alot of the reason why we will need to wait to afford a house is because he needs to pay off debt. I also think guys don’t have the same maternal feelings as us women and it is easier for them to wait for something like that, whereas us women get stronger feelings about it.
Has anyone else been in this situation before? How did you get through it? I know I can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to do, nor do I want to, but is there anything I can do to help him change his mind? I understand that I am young and still have time etc but that doesn’t help get rid of this baby fever that I have 🙁
Post # 3
Your feelings are totally normal and I agree that men don’t always understand the “baby ticker” :). I don’t know how helpful this is to you but can yall compromise by trying to pay as much debt off as possible until your married in a year? Do yall live together now? If so, maybe yall can move into a smaller, cheaper apartment (may not be ideal but could be good for a year to pay off some debt)? Maybe even live in a garage apartment? They are popular where I’m from. What size of wedding are you having? Can you cut down on your wedding to save money and pay off debt? What are some things yall can do now so that you have less debt when your married which will make him more comfortable about putting money towards a baby? By the way… I really admire how much yall are both putting thought into having children and preparing as much as possible. Not sure if that all helps.. good luck!!
Post # 4
I’d recommend checking out http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/articles.html and the other sections of her website. It talks about reducing debt, saving money and what you should, ideally have, before having a baby. Gail always sets out a plan so that all debt is paid off in less than 3 years, with all the money going towards debt repayment eventually going towards savings. She is not afraid to say “You need to make more money”, “You need to move to a smaller home” or “You need to start prioritizing NEEDS and WANTS”. Frankly, if you want a house and a baby but also have to have a brand new car to replace your perfectly fine 3 year old car, there might be a problem.
I agree with @bobanna in that you should look to see if there are places you can cut back to save. I am also having a hard time with not having a baby in the near future, but about 6 months ago my SO and I cut back ALL THE WAY. We only buy clothes from thrift or gift cards, we either eat out or go to the movies only once a month and have cut back our groceries by couponing and only buying things on sale, while also getting rid of most of our cable, internet, etc. Doing that we were able to pay off our debts (all but $4000 left on my SO’s car), and have saved almost $7000.
Our hope right now is to continue to save for a house. My parents are contributing a set amount for our wedding and it is about 3 times what we intend on spending, so the rest will go to a house, and once in the house we are saving $10,000 towards having a baby. It’s hard, but if you can sacrifice and remember why you are doing so, it can make it easier.
Post # 5
@bobanna: Thanks Bobbana – sorry for taking forever to get back to you! I was having problems with my computer and couldn’t view my posts for ages. Anyway everything you said really did help alot, thanks! We currently do live in a really small apartment (to save money) and literally cut back on everything. We hardly ever go out and spend money, when we go out its always on things that are free/cheap. We pretty much only pay for what we have to with food and bills etc. Also, all the debt we have is his debt and he is concentrating on paying it off at the moment so most of it should hopefully be paid off by the end of this year. But we are also saving for the wedding aswell. I just don’t know how to compromise and get him to want to have a baby sooner? He seems to want a really large deposit for a house too so that we don’t have to pay huge repayments on it, but I really think he is in a bit of a dream world because that is honestly going to take us years to achieve. I really don’t want to wait any longer than a year to start a family. It’s on my mind every day and I’m worried I’m going to start resenting him eventually if he keeps saying no. I just don’t know what to do 🙁
Post # 6
@takemyhand: Thanks heaps for your kind response, as per my post above to bobana, sorry for taking so long to reply! Your advice was so helpful and I have been looking at that website, it’s great, thank you! You guys sound like you are really onto it with your planning and saving too, you are doing great. I’m still so stuck in this situation, I just don’t know how to compromise with him on this and work out a way we can both be happy. I dont want to wait a few more years, its so hard 🙁