I'm ready to be waiting

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
10410 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@wannabatrackstar:  

Well, given you know each other well and have already have a tentative conversation about marriage l would instigate another and more serious and focussed conversation . Know what you want and what you want of him and say so. These boards are stuffed with women who wait forever, hinting and joking and, ultimately, powerlessly waiting for the guy to decide their future . Often in houses they don’t own , with children whom the man had no problem making , but somehow can’t bring himself to marry their mother . 

Tell him you are serious about marriage and children and that you want it with him. That you envisage being married in X amount of time and would like to know how that resonates with him. Personally there is no way on earth l would be TTC in your present uncertain situation .Perhaps tell him to give it some thought and get back to you by the weekend or something . This is your future , don’t be a passenger in it. And don’t make any little passengers either. 

Post # 3
Member
3820 posts
Honey bee

Here’s the short of it:

  • Do not wait around letting someone else determine your future.
  • Have an adult conversation about your next steps before moving in together.
  • Do not move in together if you’re not engaged.
  • Do not have a child without being married.

Other bees will weigh in, but mostly this is what is advised. There are too many unhappy “permanent girlfriends” who post here. Being an active part in planning your future is the smartest thing to do. He can still surprise you with a proposal if that’s what you want.

Post # 4
Member
5737 posts
Bee Keeper

Don’t get pregnant without a ring on your finger. Just don’t; it’s a terrible idea, I don’t care how many people do it, it’s foolish. Why anyone would want to give so much to someone without a serious commitment is something I do not understand. 

Post # 5
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Please reconsider having a child with him without being married, or at least engaged with a wedding in sight!

If you do that, then you tie yourself to this man for the rest of your life and it will make it that much harder for you to walk away if you two do not end up being on the same page about being married.

You also shouldn’t just sit quietly and wait, expecting him to read your mind. If engagement is what you want, have a conversation with him. Let him know what kind of timeline you want for marriage.

Post # 6
Member
301 posts
Helper bee

I’d have a grown up conversation with him about your wants and needs. It is also your life and you have to take charge of it. Tell him you need marriage before thinking about children and need a ring on your finger before moving in and please don’t buy a house with him if you’re only gf/bf. Many times we see women here that end up getting totally screwed by doing that. Don’t be afraid to approach the subject, you don’t have to give him an ultimatum-only your timeline. If he says he’s “being pressured” remember if someone wants to do something, they don’t feel pressured to do it because they actually they want to do it.  

It seems you’re trying to jump ahead to having children and you’re not living together. You’ll be TTC “by the fall?” That’s two months away?!! Do you think a baby will make him propose? A child is already a massive lifetime commitment so why would he do that but not marry you if that’s important to you. Work on that first, then revisit having a child when you have your ducks in a row. I’d suggest to also look at the waiting threads. 

Post # 7
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Please don’t have a baby without getting married first. I have two family members who had babies with their long term boyfriends and hoped a proposal would be coming soon after. Both are still waiting (5 and 10 years). 😬

Post # 8
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

 Do not TTC before getting married.

Post # 9
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

Dear Lord do not start TTC before you get married. I’m not old fashioned in the slightest, but that just sounds like a recipe for a disaster given the situation.

Post # 10
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

How is he ‘doing it right’ this time if he wants to get you pregnant without marrying you first?  What is his vision of ‘right’, because no one I know thinks doing it that way is doing it ‘right’.

Post # 11
Member
2883 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@wannabatrackstar:  Planning to TTC before you’ve even decided on an engagement timeline is not a good idea. If he wants to commit to a child with you, he should know if he’s ready to commit to marriage. 

Post # 12
Member
1834 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

You let this man put his penis in you, you plan to have his baby in 2 months, and you’re wondering if it’s ok to bring up the topic of your joint future? Girl, just no. Hell no. You’re not an incubator. You’re a human being with wants and needs. Speak up. How is it that you’re able to plan for procreation but not marriage? You’re willing to use your uterus but not your words??

What does it mean to do marriage “right”? Right now, all he’s willing to commit to is being a baby daddy. For a man, it’s easy to walk away. He gets to play with a baby when he wants, start other sets of families if he wants. If you need to go after him for child support, you’d need to prove paternity. If you were married, paternity would be presumed. No extra hoop.

I am incredulous. Doing marriage “right” means getting married, then having a baby. Getting married means you’re a family, and you don’t intend to have a baby with anyone else. 

You’re setting yourself up to be a single parent or a forever girlfriend. This doesn’t sit right with me. Some men pride themselves on having multiple baby mommas because they see it as proof of their sexual prowess. Some men are willing to use a woman for a baby but don’t want to tie themselves to the woman. Disgusting.

Post # 13
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t start TTC until your future is more clear and set in stone. My fiancé and I started TTC before engagement but we had MANY long talks about kids, engagement, marriage, etc. The only reason we did in our situation was potential fertility issues and we had a set timeline for our engagement. We ended up getting pregnant right away which was a shock and even though my partner has been nothing but wonderful during my pregnancy and our engagement was right on track it took a MAJOR hit on my self esteem. If I would have had a crystal ball and knew I’d get pregnant right away I would have 100% been married first and then started TTC. In your situation I can’t imagine being comfortable enough talk about conceiving a child which bonds you for life but not about marriage? 

Post # 14
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

I hate, hate, hate when men or their friends refer to the girlfriends as “wife”. It just sounds like they are trying to placate you. Tell him if they want to use that term then he needs to propose.  I’m sorry but I agree with pps do not bring a child into this world until you both are on the same page about marriage & how the child will be raised  etc. He wants to do it “the right way”? What does that even mean to him? Again sounds like he’s placating you You need to have the discussion ASAP.

 

Post # 15
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

Sounds like he wants todo everything ass-backwards. And you’re…passively sitting here saying you’re internally hoping he will propose. You have no idea when or if that will ever happen but yet you’re actively planning to birth his child with zero plans for marriage. And you’re…just going to settle for that? And hope in your mind he somehow magically proposes? Sorry but you need to get your head out of the clouds. It would be reckless and irresponsible to bring an innocent child into this world with a man that you are not on the same page with and are guessing at what his intentions are. You need to get clear on that STAT

I would be SO cross if my bf vaguely made promises of marriage at some point without being able to nail down an engagement timeline but was perfectly fine with having a firm timeline for kids much sooner. 

Do not go along with this. If you want marriage, then GET MARRIED. Do not have kids instead thinking it will get you closer to marriage. I have no idea why so many women do this thinking it will get them a ring. It won’t. And you’re setting yourself up to get royally screwed so he can just walk out whenever and you’re a single mother

Search “baby but no ring” and you will find a myriad of posts about this sad phenomenon. 

If you’re “ready to be waiting” for a proposal then you need to put your big girl pants on and stand up for yourself- have the conversation and lay down some boundaries. Tell him you’re not even thinking of having kids until after you’re married. If he can easily give you a timeline for TTC he can sure as hell tell you when he plans to commit to you, the one who will be carrying the child for 9 months and then giving birth to it

While you’re at it, tell him to tell his friend to stop calling you his wife or correct him next time it happens.

Have some standards and insist on them for a change. 

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