I'm ready to be waiting

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
3814 posts
Honey bee

OP, I know that these replies are probably not what you wanted to hear, but please give them very serious thought. We are advising you from personal experience, our friends’ experiences, and reading the same stories on this forum and others. It might sound old fashioned and un-romantic, but it is not. You’re an adult who absolutely has a say in your future, and you should think hard about how you want that to go. Don’t allow someone else to make all the decisions and leave you unhappy and resentful. I’ve seen women give more thought and have more say into what car to buy than stories I’ve seen here. Don’t be that woman. xo

Post # 17
Member
14 posts
Newbee

Why don’t you just propose yourself? I don’t understand the ”waiting mentality”. Why are living in the twenty first century, women can do a lot of stuff we coudn’t do in the past, we don’t need a special day(29th february) to be allowed to propose. 

Post # 18
Member
5722 posts
Bee Keeper

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@candyboot:  This never works. If a man is unwilling to commit, a proposal from his girlfriend won’t change that. And the girlfriend always knows this and therefore won’t propose because she knows she’ll be turned down. Better to have a fantasy “waiting” period than to be told in no uncertain terms that he’s not sure. Or the boyfriend will say something like he needs to be the one proposing – at some unspecified time in the future of course. 

It’s not as simple as it sounds because these women aren’t really waiting for a proposal per se. They’re waiting for their boyfriends to be ready and willing to propose, to choose them, and that is a very different kettle of fish.

Post # 20
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee

I am confused about how it is possible to be comfortable enough with a person to committ to having a chidl with them and thus being tied with them forever in seroius life decisions, but not comfortable enough that you can raise an issue of your preferences for legalizing your relationship. 

Post # 21
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@candyboot:  As a woman who proposed, that is certainly true. But that doesn’t apply to most of the waiting cases because the issue in those instances isn’t that the man just doesn’t want to put together a proposal, its that it is not clear that he wants to get married (in my case my husband had made it very clear for a long time that he wanted to get married, but knew that it was important to me that I be the one to propose.) 

Post # 22
Member
5722 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@wannabatrackstar:  Yes it indicates that he may be willing to commit – to making a baby. Sadly too many women give in to this, hoping a proposal will follow. When it doesn’t, the resentment this fosters poisons the relationship. 

Don’t do it.

Post # 23
Member
13558 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Not only do you have zero real commitment to date,  but you’ve never so much as lived together! How can you possibly consider TTC in the fall? I honestly don’t understand where you are coming from. If marriage is important to you, take babies completely off the table for now. If you have a small window of opportunity for children, share that you want to be married sooner rather than later. What you should not do is assume that things will just work out. 

Post # 24
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Before you TTC, think about what you will do if/when he has not proposed after you have the child. What if he hasn’t proposed by the time the child is 5? What if you have three children with him and still he doesn’t propose? Will you break up the family because of that? In other words, if marriage is important to you, then you need to get that done before having children. If marriage is important enough that you would eventually leave if he never proposes, then it is IMPERATIVE you are married before having children. If you choose to have children without a ring on your finger, it isn’t fair to shatter their world and their family by walking away from a CHOICE you made.

Post # 26
Member
2036 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Just for context to prove these posts are valid, good advice, I told my then-boyfriend that I would not move in with him or have children with him unless we were married. He proposed four months later. 

If he really loves you and truly wants to commit, then he’ll propose before these milestones, as that’s what you want. If not, well, then aren’t you glad you didn’t buy a house and have children with a man who can’t commit???

Post # 27
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@wannabatrackstar:  

I get why some women are hesitant to bring up engagement. They want it all to be a surprise that they didn’t see coming. There’s a bigger sense of romance there verses having a fact-of-the-matter conversation about it. I think what is so alarming to many in this thread is that he’s saying vague things about marriage but making firm plans about children. I can’t tell you how many posts we see from women who went forward with buying property and having children with men they assumed marriage was a foregone conclusion with. It turns out it wasn’t, and now they are in a situation where they’ve created a life with someone who may never formally commit to them, even though the relationship is good and they have a very enmeshed life together. 

If you weren’t talking about children, and soon, with this guy, I’d tell you to go ahead and give the surprise proposal more time, two years is where some people just start thinking about permanent commitments. What you’re talking about doesn’t really leave any room for open-ended questions if marriage is deal breaker. Don’t bring children into a relationship you may want to leave later over-formalities. Children are the bigger commitment.

Post # 28
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

If you’re talking about babies you should be ready to talk about marriage. If that’s what you want, I know many people don’t believe in marraige but still have kids.

Just tell him you want to get married and go from there.

Post # 29
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

Also, legally a spouse is assumed to be the father of your child and if he walks out on you, you have rights to child support to care for you and children.

 

If you’re not legally married, paternity isn’t assumed and it’s up to the mother to find a way to prove it. Which isn’t easy or quick, which means you’re the sole provider for months or years while he gets to go off scott free. 

 

 

Post # 30
Member
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2022

I’m agreeing with everyone else.if you intend to be a wife , have a grown up conversation and do NOT move in and get pregnant… before you become his wife

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